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Welcome to “Parenting Matters,” Tina Payne Bryson’s Parenting Blog
Thanks for visiting my parenting blog. I’ll be providing constantly changing information, so check back often. And be sure to click on “Subscribe” and enter your email address, so I can send you announcements and information before the general public sees it.
Thanks for reading.
Tina
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Fairness: A Parenting Tip
“That’s not fair!” How often do you hear it? If your kids are anything like mine, you hear it a lot.
One day I got sick of telling them that “Life isn’t fair.” It didn’t seem to be registering. So instead, we started to tell our kids that in our family, fair does not mean equal. If one of us has to get a shot, we don’t ALL get shots. Only the person who NEEDS the shot gets it.
The underlying principle is that everyone in the family will get what they need, and that needs are different from wants. So when one of them needs new shoes, and the other one wants new shoes, Read the rest of this entry »
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Ask Tina: Friend vs. Authority Figure
Q: Is it really true that I should be an authority figure and not a friend to my daughter?
A: I hear this idea sometimes, too. Something along the lines of “Your child already has lots of friends; she needs you to be the parent.” I think this notion was probably cleverly expressed by someone, and it started getting passed around as gospel without any critical examination.
I can see why parents have been advised that they should be authority figures. After all, children need structure and boundaries and to be held accountable for their behavior, and an authority figure provides these types of important limits. All of this is backed up by scientific research.
But does that mean that we have to be only an authority figure? Why this forced dichotomy? Why can’t we be both? Read the rest of this entry »
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FKQ — On B-I-N-G-O
When Tina’s family was keeping their neighbor’s dog, Ella, Tina had the following conversation with her 2YO, who insisted on calling the dog Bingo.
–What’s the dog’s name?
–Ella.
–But you keep calling her Bingo.
–Uh huh.
–Is Ella’s name Bingo?
–No, Mom, that not her name-o.
[Funny Kid Quotes (FKQs) appear here every Monday. Check back next week, and if you have one of your own, email it to Tina.]
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Domestic Violence and Girls – What you should teach your daughter
Many parents never talk to their daughters about domestic violence and partner abuse.
Why not?
For some, it’s because they don’t think it could happen. But research shows that it’s irresponsible to think that any young woman is immune to partner abuse. In fact, while statistics vary, estimates indicate that as many as half of women will be victims of domestic violence at some point. So please don’t say, “It couldn’t happen to my girl.”
Other parents avoid the subject because they feel they simply don’t have enough knowledge to know how to address the situation. So let’s talk about some ways you can arm your daughter against an abusive romantic relationship.
Teach her that she’s a strong, competent individual.
Build your daughter’s sense of self-worth and confidence. You can do this in many different ways: give her opportunities to Read the rest of this entry »
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Ask Tina: Am I Spoiling My Baby?
Q: My 2-month-old is really difficult and wants to be held all the time or he just fusses. I want to hold him a lot but I feel like I never have one minute, plus my mom is telling me that if I hold him all the time I’ll spoil him. What should I do?
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A: Being a parent to a new baby is really hard. When your basic needs like eating, peeing, showering, and sleeping are being taken away, it’s easy to feel like you’re at his mercy. Just hang in there. I promise it will be better soon. These days (and nights) are really long, but they will go quickly. And, it may be hard to believe, but you’ll likely long for the days of just holding him all day, just relishing his skin and little breath and holding his little hand.
Your baby needs you in order to help him feel safe and secure. By immediately responding to him and meeting his needs and holding him, you’re giving him the best gift possible in term of brain development and his ability to trust that he will be taken care of. Babies this age don’t have the ability to manipulate. His needs are NEEDS, not wants. It is never spoiling when we give our children what they need. Paying attention to Read the rest of this entry »
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FKQ–On sharing toys
Tina, to her 3YO: “Henry’s coming over today. Will you share your toys with him?”
The response: “How ’bout, I can play with my toys, and Henry can play with my pillows and stuffed animals?”
[Funny Kid Quotes (FKQs) appear here every Monday. Check back next week, and if you have one of your own, email it to Tina.]
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Preventing Sexual Abuse: It’s Time to Start Talking
Some friends and I recently discussed a news story about a little girl who had been abducted from her home, sexually assaulted, and murdered by a registered sex offender. As we talked, it was apparent that we all struggle with whether, when, and how to talk to our small children about sexual abuse. Because it’s such a difficult thing to think about, and because we’re typically not very educated about sexual abuse ourselves, we often feel unsure about how to approach the topic with our kids.
But we really have to. Silence puts them at risk.
So let me give you some quick information about sexual abuse in general, and then I’ll make some suggestions about proactively preventing it. It’s our job to empower our kids against sexual abuse, and knowledge—both our own, and theirs—is crucial.
Factors Associated with Child Sexual Abuse:
- Perpetrators: Though we all fear a stranger grabbing our kids and molesting them, Read the rest of this entry »
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Teen Rebellion: How to Respond and Cope
Parenting a teenager is a mixed bag of rewards and challenges. One of the most challenging—and important—parts of parenting an adolescent is figuring out how to respond and cope when your teenager rebels. Here are some suggestions.
Put teen rebellion in perspective.
Mark Twain is said to have advised that when a child turns 13, his parents should put him in a barrel, close the lid, and feed him through a hole in the side. Then, when he turns 16, plug up the hole.I offer this quote not to advocate incarceration or starvation as a healthy response to teen rebellion, but to help you see that you’re not alone. In fact, cross-cultural research shows that there are two universals when it comes to teens: spending less time with their parents (and more time with peers), and doing things differently from their parents (teen rebellion!).
From a big-picture, evolutionary perspective, these two trends are extremely important for society. For one thing, spending more time with peers allows teenagers to Read the rest of this entry »
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FKQ–On big toilets
When Andrew, the friend of Tina’s 3YO, mentioned that his dog had died, Tina’s son commiserated by telling Andrew that his two fish, Gitchigumee and Pirate Pirate, had recently died as well. Tina’s son was then quiet for a moment before asking, “Do y’all have a really big toilet?”
[Funny Kid Quotes (FKQs) appear here every Monday. Check back next week, and if you have one of your own, email it to Tina.]
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Recent Blog Posts
- Fairness: A Parenting Tip
- Ask Tina: Friend vs. Authority Figure
- FKQ — On B-I-N-G-O
- Domestic Violence and Girls – What you should teach your daughter
- Ask Tina: Am I Spoiling My Baby?