Seven strategies to help build connection and life skills through play

By Kari Hanson | Originally Published by Parent Map: January 24, 202

Watching kids play can feel like stepping into a world with its own bizarre rules, endless energy and zero logic. Whether it’s an elaborate game of pretend with invisible props or an hours-long fascination with tiny toy cars, it’s not always easy to jump in. Sometimes I’m unsure how to join without ruining the flow or taking over, and other times, let’s face it, I just don’t feel like playing.

But joining our kids in their play is a powerful way to form connections and help them learn important life skills. Thankfully, a new book, “The Way of Play,” is here to help! Written by pediatric therapists and play experts Tina Payne Bryson and Georgie Wisen-Vincent, “The Way of Play” offers seven strategies for fostering creativity, resilience and emotional intelligence through playful interactions. The authors blend research-backed insights with relatable anecdotes, making complex concepts accessible to parents and caregivers.

I had the opportunity to ask the authors some questions about their new book, and their thoughts on the importance of play. 

Why is play so important for my child’s development?

Play is intrinsic to how kids’ brains are developing. By experimenting and accomplishing tasks through the fun of play, children develop lasting skills in confidence, resilience and self-understanding. These abilities can even reduce the behaviors that drive parents crazy — fighting, rudeness, tantrums and so on — since the new skills lead to better self-control, empathy, and other attributes that lead to successful interactions with their world. Kids need enough time to play — freely and independently, with other kids, and with us, the adults in their lives.

Tell me more about the PlayStrong approach and why my participation as a parent in my child’s play is important?

Kids are calmer and more confident when they’re “just playing,” so it’s the ideal time to get to know them at a deep level and teach valuable skills. We’ve helped so many parents learn some simple steps for playing with their kids that make kids stronger, both mentally and emotionally. When we learn to tune into these little moments, play can be a catalyst for helping children deal with big emotions or prevent behavioral issues from flaring up. It’s a second language you can tap into, and actually play is our children’s first language. Once parents learn that language, so much more is possible in your relationship. We’ve written these seven strategies into our new book, “The Way of Play,” making the act of playing with kids — from toddlers to tweens and teens — something that parents can find meaningful, and become a new way of being with your child.

How can busy or overwhelmed parents incorporate meaningful play into their daily routines without feeling like it’s another chore?

Even when smart parents recognize its importance, they can lean away from play. We talk about several reasons for this, many of which are just practical. We don’t know when it’s going to end or who’s going to clean it all up! But the fascinating explanation for why we stopped playing is that we’re not kids anymore and the higher structures of our brains kept on developing beyond caring about superheroes or tiny tea parties. And for good reason, because we need our executive brains to manage the higher-level functions of family life. But we can also draw on those same strengths to relearn how to play in ways that make parenting so much easier. Luckily, it doesn’t require hours on the floor or the most expensive toys. As we explain in the book, it’s more about where to focus your attention and what to say or do in those little moments — quality over quantity.

What does it look like to set limits that still allow for child-led play?

Even though it’s called free play, you’ll still need to offer limits at times that keep your child, others and the space safe. We teach a limit setting technique that works like magic in all kinds of situations. Think of it simply as giving kids a “pit stop.” Your daughter wants to put glitter in the bathtub, for instance, or your son wants to ride his skateboard down the staircase. You could say, “The staircase isn’t for skating, but there must be other places you can skate downhill. Any hills your size when we head to the park later?”

If you can briefly pause, acknowledge his intention, and redirect him back into the flow, your child is going to learn far more about making good choices than if you put a hard stop on things. It’s so much easier to bypass blow-ups and pushback when your kid knows you understand them and are actively looking for what you can say “yes” to!

You mention that over time parents will see that “playfulness becomes much more a part of who we are as parents — and not simply something that we do.” Can you tell me a little more about what that means to have playfulness be a part of who we are?

Just like when we do “reps” lifting weights and our muscles get stronger, the more we practice a playful approach, the easier it gets for us. Our brains start to wire to have more facility for being playful and it becomes who we are. Then, it’s not just something we do, but it’s a way of being with our children. What this really means is that we bring playfulness outside of the moments of playing with our kids, and outside of the playroom to our interactions throughout the day.

Can you tell me a little more about the “playful pivot” when a parent is having a tough moment with their child?

A playful pivot allows us to be more effective in eliciting cooperation or redirecting our kids. So, instead of a power struggle trying to get your preschooler into the car seat, you say something like “I hope you’re not planning on getting in your car seat today because my imaginary friend Herman is sitting there today, and if you sit on him, I’m going to have to do a weird dance to make him calm down.” Or when your child demands their other parent read them a story instead of you, you pretend to be the other parent with a silly voice. Even toothbrushing can become a treasure hunt for a pirate looking for treasure.

What are the long-term benefits of parents actively engaging in play with their children, both for the child’s development and the parent-child relationship?

The long-term benefits for children whose parents engage in play with them are too many to mention, but to summarize, parent-child play cultivates social, emotional, relational, linguistic and cognitive development. These interactive play moments, over time, build empathy, insight, emotional agility, stronger communication skills, self-control, problem-solving, cognitive and emotional flexibility, and overall resilience. In terms of the parent-child relationship, we can think of these play interactions as making deposits in the relational bank account, building the kind of connection with our children that they most want and need from us, that benefits them the rest of their lives.

One of the best predictors for how well children develop is that they’ve had secure attachment with at least one of their primary caregivers. The research tells us that “mutual delight” (a term coined by Dr. Mary Ainsworth) is a key feature of secure attachment relationships. Play is a breeding ground for mutual delight. Plus, play helps parents know who their child is in a much deeper way, allowing their children to feel known by their parents, and allowing parents to be able to tune in and be more connected and responsive.

Being fun and playful in the face of unwanted behaviors can help for sure, but how long can parents keep that up? Will kids start to expect fun and silly responses all the time?

We’re not talking about doing this all day long, every day. We’re talking about a few minutes a day, a few times a day, or when it works or makes sense. There will be lots of times during the day you don’t feel very playful. Sometimes these are the moments that play is most needed, so you can push yourself to access something fun or funny or silly to get you there, or, it’s OK to just be playful later when you are up for it.

For parents who aren’t typically playful, this may seem exhausting, but the effort you put into being a little playful is far easier and less time consuming than the battles we end up having without. When you find it enjoyable, or it helps you sidestep a meltdown (yours or your child’s), and your kid loves it or you crack them up, it feels worth the effort. And, keep in mind, you don’t even have to be good at it. Just make it up as you go! Play is supposed to be fun for you, too, so don’t overthink it.

What is the most important thing you hope parents take away from this book?

For the parents who don’t know how to play, or who find it excruciatingly boring, or who think of it as a time-filler that is keeping them from doing something important, we hope that they find these strategies easy to implement in just a few minutes a day to know, connect, and enjoy their kid. It’s our greatest desire that parents come to find that the way to their kids’ hearts, the way to their kids’ optimal development, the way to building skills that matter, and the way to having a deep connection to our kids’ that lasts into their adulthood, is the way of play.