The Parenting Hall of Shame:  Now Accepting Members

[This article was originally posted in 2007.]

 

“My young son was screaming for 45 minutes and I didn’t know how to comfort him.  I finally screamed back, ‘Sometimes I hate you!’” 

 “My son was two and scratched his baby brother’s face so hard that he left marks.  I spanked his bottom, like five hard swats.  Then I left the room, walked down the hall, turned back around and spanked him probably five more swats again.  I screamed at him so loud, I terrified him.”

 

“After I had told my daughter to watch out for her little brother running in front of the swing, she almost swung right into him.  I was so mad that even in front of other people at the park I said to her, ‘What’s wrong with you, are you stupid?!’”

 

These are some pretty awful parenting moments, aren’t they?  These “lash-out moments” are times when we’re so out of control that we say or do something we’d never let anyone else say or do to our child. 

 

But, actually, the confessions above come from good parents whom I know personally.  Like the rest of us, they lose it from time to time and say and do things they wish they hadn’t.

 

Can you add your own lash-out moment to the list above?  Of course you can:  you’re a parent, and you’re human. 

 

And I can add one of my own.  It’s a story I often tell when I’m giving one of my talks on parenting and the brain.  It’s a long (and in retrospect, hilarious) story that ends with a horrible moment when my 4-year-old sticks out his tongue at me and I very maturely respond by yelling, “If you stick that tongue out one more time, I’ll rip it out of your mouth!”

 

As I tell this story, the parents in the audience are locked in on me, eyes wide, leaning forward, smiling and listening to every word, like I’m telling a dirty secret.  They laugh throughout the story, partially identifying, partially relieved they aren’t the only ones, and loving hearing that “a parenting expert” loses her mind to the point where she threatens to physically remove one of her child’s body parts.

 

We all lose it from time to time.  We say mean things, we yell, we may even pull our child’s arm too firmly.  As I’ll discuss in an upcoming post, there’s something happening in our brains that explains these “lash-out” moments.  And in another post, I’ll explain why it’s so important that we quickly reconnect with our children and repair whatever emotional and relational damage has been done.

 

But for now, I want to focus on why we don’t talk about moments like these with other parents.  Why is it that when it comes to our lash-out moments with our kids, we all remain silent?  Is it really such a shocking epiphany that all parents occasionally lose control of their emotions and their better judgment?

 

In the spirit of confession, let me admit to you that one of my guilty pleasures has been watching the television program Desperate Housewives.  In one episode, a mother melts down, and her friends, who are also mothers, find her crying on a soccer field.  Her guard down, she tells them about her failures as a mother, and in response, her friends begin to share their own parenting blunders and shortcomings.  She then looks at them through tears and asks, “Why didn’t you ever tell me this?” 

 

And that’s my question for all of us:  Why do we keep our ugly parenting moments secret, even with the people closest to us?  Do we feel ashamed?  Do we feel like we’re the only ones who “go postal” from time to time?  Do we think these episodes mean we are bad parents? 

 

We freely share with one another many of the struggles we experience with our kids—she won’t eat anything besides waffles, he freaked out at swimming lessons, she clobbered someone at the park today.  Sharing these struggles helps us feel normal as parents, and helps us feel like our kids are normal. 

 

But what about our own struggles in our role as parents?

 

I am convinced that we pay a price when we choose to keep silent, rather than honestly sharing our own stories about times when we get furious with our kids and throw our own fits.  Sharing our worst moments allows us to comfort one another, to laugh about how crazy our kids are and how crazy we are right back, and then to look at our behavior with some insight so we can make better choices the next time. 

 

Soon after it happened, I reluctantly told one of my friends about my “rip your tongue out” episode, and she responded by saying, “Oh, that’s nothing!  One time I . . .  .”  My guilt evaporated.  We laughed.  We purged our secret parenting shame with more stories.  Her vulnerable, empathetic, and understanding response made me feel normal and less alone. 

 

So from that moment, I began watching for opportunities to share some of my “mean Mommy” moments—and I continue to get this type of response from friends who seem to be thirsting for a chance to confess and to be assured that they aren’t terrible parents.  Whenever I’m willing to confess first, the floodgates fly open.  I always love it when one of my friends now starts a conversation with “Listen to this one….”  (And don’t say you wouldn’t be interested in a story that begins like that!)

 

Before I close, let me stress that there are two things that I’m not saying here.  First, I’m not saying that there’s nothing wrong with losing control.  In fact, when we lose control, it stresses our kids and usually further amplifies their distress.  We want to be a haven in their storm, not the cause of it.  But here, I’m simply saying that we all mess up to some degree, and that we’ll all benefit greatly if we share with each other those stories. 

 

And second, I’m not talking about abuse.  If you find yourself frequently losing control, or losing control in such a way that you are in danger of actually harming your child, I want to strongly encourage you to seek professional help, for your and your child’s sake.

 

But if you’re a loving, caring parent who, like the rest of us, occasionally screws up, then why not give it a shot?  ‘Fess up to your friends.  Maybe you’ll even be a bit less horrified the next time your kid freely shares with the teenager behind the counter at Baskin Robbins, “Mama said she was gonna rip out my tongue.”

 

 

Why We Don't Remember Being Babies

Why We Don't Remember Being Babies

By Sarah R. Moore

Why don’t we remember being babies and what does the research really say about baby memory? 

This is an excerpt of an interview with Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., where she discusses her incredible new book, The Bottom Line for Baby (as an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases) – along with several game-changing parenting tips. You can find the full interview here. Or, here’s Part 1 of our discussion if you missed it. 

In this segment, we discuss the question, “Why don’t we remember being babies?”. We also cover how baby memory and memory function work, and how baby memory relates to children’s growth and development. 

DANDELION SEEDS POSITIVE PARENTING: WHY DON’T WE REMEMBER BEING BABIES? 

 So let me get straight to some brain science with you. 

Former baby here. I confess. I used to be a baby. [laughter] 

So, if we don’t really remember our earliest months, our earliest year on Earth, how do we know that any of it matters? Why don’t we remember being babies? 

TINA PAYNE BRYSON ON BABY MEMORY: WHY DON’T WE REMEMBER BEING BABIES? 

That’s such a great question. Actually, most of us have what’s called childhood amnesia until about age 5, where we don’t really remember much. 

We may have one or two memories from before age 5 or 6, but they typically tend to be something that was a huge change. 

I have an early, early memory around age three, when I had to be taken to the hospital to get stitches on my head. I remember being in my 70s’ purple poncho with the little palms in my dad’s arms and I remember the parking lot.  

I remember some things about it, but that’s the only thing I remember from that age. 

That’s really typical for most of us not to remember. However, when we say we don’t remember, we’re actually talking about something called explicit memory. Dan and I write about this in The Whole-Brain Child

That memory is where you remember something and it has the feel of remembering. You know you’re remembering. 

If I were to say to you, “What did you have for breakfast this morning?”, you could tell me. You would know you are remembering that fact, but there’s also something called implicit memory. 

Implicit memory is where you are remembering but you don’t know you’re remembering. It doesn’t have the feel of that. 

goop: How to Raise Kids with Secure Attachment Styles

goop: How to Raise Kids with Secure Attachment Styles

"There are lots of moments in relationships and as a parent where I might not necessarily know exactly what to do or say.... it’s just about emotionally showing up for our kids when they need us.”

Here’s an interview which was published today in the Parenthood section of goop. It's all about attachment patterns and the hope of the research. Namely, you don’t have to be a perfect parent to raise happy, secure kids. Read more here or scroll down.


Tina Payne Bryson, PhD, is a psychotherapist who works primarily with parents and families. She’s also a mother to three teenage boys. And what she knows from both research and experience is that you don’t have to be a perfect parent to raise happy, secure kids: “There are lots of moments in relationships and as a parent where I might not necessarily know exactly what to do or say,” Bryson says. “It’s just about emotionally showing up for our kids when they need us.”

Bryson works with a behavioral and psychological concept called attachment theory, which describes how the bonds we make with our caregivers when we’re young help determine who we become as adults. Using attachment theory as a guide, Bryson helps parents better communicate and connect with their children. She finds that being a good—but not perfect—parent comes down to one question: Most of the time, are you making sure your kids feel safe, seen, and soothed?

For more from Bryson and her coauthor Dan Siegel on raising kids with secure attachment styles, check out their book The Power of Showing Up. Bryson’s newest book, The Bottom Line for Baby, which addresses sixty common questions on babyhood (pacifiers! allergies! circumcision!), is also out now.

A Q&A with Tina Payne Bryson, PhD

Q: What are attachment styles, and where do they come from?

A: Attachment styles—in research, we call them attachment patterns or attachment approaches—describe the way we form relationships with others based on how we were cared for as children. Psychologists have been studying attachment theory for the past fifty years.

SECURE ATTACHMENT

If you have a caregiver who provides secure attachment to you, you learn from repeated experiences that they’ve got your back. If you have a need, they’re going to show up for you and help take care of you. You don’t have to spend your attentional resources being hypervigilant and scanning your environment all the time, wondering if you’re safe or if your needs will be met. You can spend your attentional resources on being curious and learning new things and moving toward independence because you feel safe enough to do that. Your parents were not perfect, but they were mostly predictable and showed up for you when you were having a hard time or needed them most.

When we have a parent who attends to the thoughts and feelings behind their child’s behavior, it allows the brain to practice regulating emotions, handling adversity with resilience, and having better insight and empathy for other people. The brain gets practice paying attention and giving attention to those things.

Think about secure attachment style as a secure base and a launching pad. With secure attachment, you can go out and become independent. These repeated—note, not perfect—experiences of someone providing secure attachment for you allow your prefrontal cortex to get more reps, if you will, being able to be curious and explorative.

AVOIDANT-DISMISSIVE ATTACHMENT

One of the forms of insecure attachment is called avoidant-dismissive attachment. That’s when a parent avoids a lot of emotional connection. You grow up in an emotional desert—no one really pays attention to the thoughts and feelings behind your behavior.

Typically, in this type of relationship, the focus is on surface-level things, avoiding deeper connection or vulnerability. Kids are told to not be so sensitive or that if they’re going to cry, they should go cry in their rooms. Or the parent might say some version of “I don’t want to hear about it.” That message gets internalized, and even by twelve months, babies whose parents who avoid emotional connection or dismiss the child’s needs learn not to ask for help from their parents when they’re upset. Children with this pattern of attachment know not to ask to be soothed.

From a neuroplasticity point of view, we know that the brain develops what it gets practice doing. So if you have a parent who never really gives any attention or talks to you about your thoughts or feelings or wishes or your internal landscape, you may not have developed optimal neural circuitry for seeing your own mind or the minds of others, and you may dismiss your own feelings and avoid the feelings of others.

ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT

In anxious attachment, the child feels anxious about whether or not their caregiver is reliable and predictable. The parent sometimes sees and responds to the child’s needs and other times doesn’t. Sometimes in this pattern, the parent is tangled up in their own needs and preoccupied with their own ambivalence about being accepted or loved consistently. Their intermittent connection with their child is confusing to the child, leaving the child uncertain that their parent will be there for them in ways that are helpful. Particularly when the child is in distress or upset, they aren’t sure whether the parent will show up for them or not. Children with this pattern of attachment can be clingy and have more difficulty being soothed by their parent.

That’s different from the avoidant-dismissive attachment, which is more like the child knows their parent is not going to help them. It’s also different from a pattern where there’s secure attachment and the parent makes mistakes: The idea is that in secure attachment, the parent is normally tuned in, but when there are ruptures or conflict, the parent repairs. Here, the parent may or may not show up, and they may or may not repair. It’s inconsistent and unpredictable, so the child is left never knowing what to expect, making it hard to settle and feel at ease relationally.

DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT

The most difficult pattern to grow up with is disorganized attachment. As mammals, we have a biological drive to go to our attachment figures when we are in distress. If you had a caregiver who was not only not a safe haven for you but instead was the source of your terror or your fear, you came to know that relationships are dangerous.

This type of repeated frightening interaction from the person who is supposed to keep you safe creates disorganization in terms of how the brain processes information and functions: You have the mammal circuit that says go to your attachment figure to be safe, but then you have another circuit that says get the hell away from what is dangerous. That has a huge negative impact on development, and it’s one of the best predictors we have for mental health challenges as an adult.


Q: How can parents make sure their children develop secure attachment?

A: One of the best predictors for how we turn out is whether or not we had at least one person who showed up for us and provided us with secure attachment, so this is one of the most important things we can do as parents. And the four S’s are a way for us to say, “What does that look like? How do we provide secure attachment?”

SAFE

The first S is safe. Safe is about two things: First, it’s about protecting children from harm. And second, it’s about not being the source of harm or fear. That’s more obviously relevant in cases of abuse or neglect, but it’s also relevant in more common, everyday ways. In many homes, you have parents who scream and yell or you have parents who are fighting—those kinds of things.

What the research shows is that we don’t have to be perfect, that we can even violate that sense of safety by yelling or being unpredictable in a given moment. But if that’s the case, it’s necessary that we repair that harm with our child. We calm ourselves down and then say, “Oh, I’m so sorry. I got mad, and I didn’t handle that the way I should have. And that might have hurt your feelings. I’m so sorry.”

Then the child has an experience that’s saying, “Gosh, relationships can be messy, and they can have conflict, and it can feel bad sometimes. And we worked through it.” What this does is widen their window of tolerance for conflict in relationships.

SEEN

The second S is seen. Seen is about looking more than with just our eyes. It’s about looking at the mind behind the behavior. This would be: My little guy is in the bathtub, and he doesn’t want to get out, and he’s screaming and yelling that bath time is not over. He’s having a fit. And him being seen is when I focus not just on the behavior and say, “Well it’s time to get out. You have to get out.” Instead it would be me looking at his internal landscape and being curious about what he’s experiencing.

I would say: “You’re feeling disappointed that bath time is over because you were having fun, and you don’t want it to end. Is that right?” What’s great about responding in that way is that his brain gets practice making a connection between what he’s feeling in his body and his emotions. He gets a chance to make sense of it.

When we’re not being seen, maybe your parent says, “Why are you being such a baby? Quit being so sensitive.” But let’s say this is about something the kid’s scared about or emotionally invested in. Then the kid’s like, “Well, I feel scared, but they’re telling me it’s not a big deal. And so how do I make sense of that? Maybe I am too sensitive.” They start learning to disconnect from their emotional experiences or not to trust themselves. And worse, they learn they’re alone with their big feelings because the parent isn’t going to help.

Another way we see this playing out right now is in what is called snowplow parenting. Sometimes, parents want their children to succeed so much—they’re so hyperfocused on achievement—that they push their kids to be things they’re not. One of the big questions that’s important to ask ourselves in any close relationship, whether that’s with your child or your significant other, is whether they could easily say, “Yes, I feel understood by you.” Or do they feel like you don’t get them at all?

SOOTHED

Soothed is about comfort: When your child is falling apart, you show up by comforting them, being present with them, and helping them move back to a place that feels better. Sometimes it’s about giving a hug or rubbing their back or saying, “How can I help?” or “What do you need right now?” Other times, it’s just about being present, so that the child has the experience of something difficult going on—they’re having big feelings, or something difficult happened in their life, they’re mad about a boundary the parent has set, or they got left out, or somebody hurt my feelings, whatever it is—and they can walk through that experience with their parent supporting them.

This approach is not about rescuing people from dealing with difficult feelings or experiences. It’s about that person learning they can deal with something difficult. Some people, when we talk about safe, seen, and soothed, worry that we’re saying you should coddle your child or spoil them. But this is not about being permissive at all. Think back to the neurodevelopment and neuroplasticity piece here: This is about practicing difficult things with enough support so that a child develops resilience. They have an experience of how uncomfortable a big feeling was, but they made it through. That makes them strong. Not fragile.

When kids are falling apart—and this is true for adults, too—is when they most need connection. If a kid is at their worst—they’re terrified, or they’re having a tantrum—and I show up in the moment and say, “I’m right here with you, and I will help you,” then they have this experience that shows them they’re not in this alone. This is called co-regulation, where we help them get calm again. When we show up this way, their brain gets practice going from a dysregulated, falling-apart state back into a regulated, resilient state. When someone does that with you repeatedly, the brain gets a lot of practice in emotional intelligence and in regulating emotions, a hallmark of success and social, emotional, and mental health.

SECURE

When we have repeated predictable experiences of feeling safe, seen, and soothed, the brain wires to have that fourth S: secure. And that doesn’t mean feeling secure about yourself in a self-esteem way, although that is an outcome. It means that a person’s brain has become wired to know and expect that if they have a need, someone’s going to show up for them. It also means that they have had enough experiences of that to know how to show up for themselves and to learn how to keep themselves safe, how to see and understand themselves, and how to soothe themselves.

They also learn to expect other people to show up for them and help as well. Meaning they’ll choose healthier friendships and romantic partners who will show up for them, and they also know how to show up for themselves and how to show up for their friends, romantic partners, and eventually their own children. The research is clear about this: People with secure attachment styles have much healthier relationships. They tend to be leaders who have positive social interactions throughout their elementary and middle school years and into high school. It is the foundation for resilience.


Q: How do you maintain secure attachment as your kids grow up and become more independent?

A: It’s much easier to think about how you keep your kids safe and soothed when they’re little. If your baby bumps their head, you pick them up and you go, “Oh, that hurt.” You hold them to comfort them. That’s usually fairly easy to do.

When kids get older, it’s harder to do that, especially if they’re pushing you away. But these attachment needs of being safe, seen, and soothed are important throughout our lives. The key is presence and availability: being present and tuning in to our children and what they need from us. They might need space, and we can respect that, but they should also still know that we’re here for them when they need us. They can storm off and ask to be left alone, and we can respectfully check in with them and say, “I can see you’re having a hard time. I’m here and I will listen if you want me to.” We shouldn’t be intrusive and insist that they share with us or make it more about our needs to connect. Just saying, “I’m here if you need me” goes a long way. And older kids, even teens, still need to be hugged and comforted. Adults still need it, too.

What’s been such an important guide for me, even in my own kids’ teenage years, is to avoid a big screaming fight when they do things that don’t keep themselves safe. Instead, I can have a conversation with them and say, “You didn’t keep yourself safe. Keeping you safe is my number one job, so I’m stepping in here. You’re going to have less freedom until you build that skill, and I’m going to help you build that skill.”

My kids might not like what’s happening. They may feel frustrated or feel that I’m being intrusive or too strict. But I remind them—and they fully know—that they are deeply, deeply loved and they are not by themselves in the world.


Q: How is attachment different for teenagers?

A: As kids grow up into teenagers, parents remain attachment figures, whether they’re good attachment figures or not so good attachment figures. But attachments also start expanding out beyond the immediate family: Kids start counting on their good friends to help them feel safe, seen, and soothed. This is a positive thing. When young people start being able to develop attachment relationships with peers, it helps them pave the way toward being able to do that with romantic partners and eventually become attachment figures for the next generation.


Q: If someone didn’t have secure attachment growing up as a child, how can they modify their communication patterns as a parent?

A: History is not destiny when it comes to attachment. The single best predictor for how well a parent is able to provide secure attachment to their children is not whether they had it with their own parents. It’s whether they have reflected on their attachment experiences growing up with their own caregivers and made sense of those experiences.

Parents can ask those questions: “Did my parents help me feel safe, seen, and soothed?” Or “Why did I not feel safer? Under what circumstances did I feel seen?”

In The Power of Showing Up, which I wrote with Dan Siegel, we talk about ways that parents can begin that sense-making process and ask those reflective questions. This reflective process keeps us from running from the past or being tangled in the past where it intrudes on us and keeps us from being the parent we want to be.

Following the 4 S’s is my north star. Lots of the time, as a parent, I’m not quite sure what to do or say, but this guides me because if I’m responding in a way that helps my kid feel safe, seen, and soothed, I know it’s the right thing to do. Even though it’s a simple idea, it’s not always easy to do this as parents. We need people who show up for us, too. We need a partner or a friend or a group of people who’ll show up for us and help us feel safe, seen, and soothed, so that we can have the capacity to do this important work in our relationships with our children.


Tina Payne Bryson, PhD, is a psychotherapist focused on child development and parenting. Bryson is the founder and executive director of the Center for Connection, a clinical psychotherapy practice, and the Play Strong Institute, a center devoted to the study, research, and practice of play therapy. She is the author of The Bottom Line for Baby and coauthor with Dan Siegel, MD, of The Power of Showing UpThe Yes Brain, and the New York Times bestsellers The Whole-Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline.


Chatbooks: How To Really Show Up For The People You Love

Chatbooks: How To Really Show Up For The People You Love

Dr. Tina Bryson on No-Drama Discipline and How To Really Show Up For The People You Love

Teaching your children to be secure starts with them feeling safe, seen and soothed.

This article and podcast first appeared on Chatbooks and is a summary from a podcast featuring Dr. Tina Payne Bryson.

When you hear “the power of showing up,” you might be thinking of that blissful moment when your Instagram Photo Book Series finally appears on your doorstep. Or maybe you think of that time your best friend stayed up all night listening to you when you broke up with your first significant other. Those consistent figures in your life who show up and come through time and time again mean the world to you. In fact, showing up consistently in a child's life is one of the GREATEST PREDICTORS of a child's success in life.

That’s why DR. TINA BRYSON, bestselling author of THE POWER OF SHOWING UP and NO-DRAMA DISCIPLINE, stopped by THE MOMFORCE PODCAST to share her expert tips on how to truly be present for your kids, spouses and everyone in between. “The power of showing up is applicable in my relationship with my husband, sister and even my own mother,” says Bryson. Here are her tricks to having a powerful presence...

Set good patterns.

According to Bryson, your brain is wired to expect patterns from your relationships with others. “The most important thing we can do — the best predictor for how a kid turns out is if they are securely attached to at least one person,” explains Bryson. The kind of relationship you provide for your children changes how their brain develops over time.

When it comes to spending time with your kids, it’s all about quality, not quantity.

Many parents may be worried that their part-time or full-time jobs will hinder their ability to provide a secure attachment for their little ones. It may be difficult for you to show up at every pre-school talent show, every little league sporting event or every play date. However, Bryson explains, “The same parent who works 60 hours a week can still have a more secure child than a parent who wears their baby in a baby wrap all day.”

In her book, THE POWER OF SHOWING UP, Bryson explains that every child needs to feel what she calls the “four S’s”: safe, seen, soothed and secure. Here’s a breakdown of each one...

Safe

The first “s” does not refer to just putting a child in a car seat, and some parents may even mistake this concept to mean *keeping children away from any kind of hurt the world has to offer.* However, safety refers to a safe haven for your child to turn to if they feel threatened or upset. “This doesn’t mean not having boundaries,” warns Bryson. “Being predictable for your children is the best way to let them know they are safe.”

Seen

“This means that a child is being known and feeling felt,” says Bryson. Bryson shares how many parents, herself included, have probably told a child to “toughen up” when they are sad or scared, but what a child hears is “my parents don’t understand me, they are not going to help me, and now I am on my own.” She uses the analogy of a child being afraid when they see a spider in their room and won’t go to sleep. Instead of telling them to just ignore it and go back to sleep, let your child know they are heard and that you will offer them a solution by helping to find and kill the spider. 

Soothed

This leads into the next “s” which is to soothe your children when they cannot understand their anger and sadness at the world. “It is impossible to spoil kids by giving them too much affection or attention,” says Bryson. Parents may be worried that soothing is the same as coddling, and will lead to spoiled children who aren’t tough enough to face the world. “Actually, it is the exact opposite. If you want your kid to be tough and resilient, you need to soothe them and let them know that they can deal with difficult things because they have your support.”

Secure

Security when it comes to showing up for your children means that their brains have created an expectation of how their relationships will perform. A child who is safe, seen and soothed will be secure in knowing that if they have a need, it will be met. Bryson explains that, eventually, this will allow the child to build a pattern for themselves to know how to feel safe, seen, soothed and secure as they get older.

Don't stress about missteps.

Showing up is a concept that will take time to perfect. Dr. Bryson advises parents not to stress when they mess up along the way. “When we mess up as parents, this can be a good experience for children to recognize that conflict sometimes exists in relationships and they can move forward in life knowing that life isn’t perfect,” she says. 


For more real-life parenting tips and tricks, check out the MomForce Podcast! Vanessa Quigley, mother of 7 and co-founder of Chatbooks, hosts this refreshing take on all things mom. Along with her 4 sisters, they’ll get into the nitty-gritty of parenting together, bringing in experts to get to the source of your most-Googled "adulting" questions. Check out the #MOMFORCE BY CHATBOOKS FACEBOOK PAGE and find us on Instagram @THEMOMFORCEPODCAST.

Mom.com: Five Things Parents of Babies Get Judged For (But Science Has Their Backs)

Mom.com: Five Things Parents of Babies Get Judged For (But Science Has Their Backs)

This article originally appeared on Mom.com and was written by Dr. Tina Payne Bryson.

You know the look. The one you get when someone sees you doing something with your baby they think you shouldn’t. I’m a mom of three who’s written several books about parenting, and even I can feel insecure (and simultaneously perturbed) when I notice someone judging what I’m doing with one of my kids. And granted, sometimes, maybe I deserve that disapproval. (It’s a little embarrassing, for instance, that the behind-the-counter staff at our neighborhood burgers-and-burritos joint know my children by name.)

But there are also plenty of examples of times parents get criticized for doing something that scientific research actually endorses. If you’re regularly practicing any of these activities and worry what people might think of you, don’t. Science has your back.

Spit-washing a dropped pacifier

Many of us have done this. We figure our germs are better than random germs from the ground. Sometimes we can’t find a sink and rinse a binky. Or maybe we just don’t want to do it for the third time in the last five minutes. So we furtively glance around to see who’s watching, then we place it in our mouth and pop it back into our baby’s.

I understand the desire to be a bit stealthy when executing this often-frowned-upon maneuver. But according to research, you can actually brag about your spit-washing strategy (as well as its less-sacrificial cousin, the dusting-off-via-the-pant-leg approach). The truth is that exposing your infant to common household germs and dirt will help her develop a strong immune system, whereas over-sanitizing an environment will cause a baby’s immune system to remain immature or hyper-sensitized, rather than becoming strong and robust.

Of course, parents need to protect their babies from infections carried by themselves or others and be smart about what they’re exposed to, especially in public places like malls, hospitals, and airplanes, and particularly while the coronavirus is spreading. But from a general standpoint, children’s health can also suffer when we become overprotective in terms of sanitization and cleanliness.

More to the point, studies show that eczema risks go down when a parent tends to suck a dropped pacifier clean rather than washing it. Likewise, by the way, as gross as it may seem, exposing newborns to germs, pet and rodent dander, and roach allergens can lower the risk of developing asthma and allergies. Even thumb-sucking and nail-biting are correlated with a decreased risk of asthma and hay fever.

You might wonder whether the lick-the-pacifier approach should still be practiced while there is the risk of COVID-19. I asked pediatrician Phil Boucher that question, and he explained that this advice is “sound even in our current pandemic because the number of exposures from baby to mom is so high throughout the day that the effect of that very-infrequent saliva-cleaning trick is negligible when compared to all the moments of parent-child close contact.” That being said, though, during the current public health crisis, you might think twice about licking a pacifier that’s touched the ground in a public place. Scientific opinion is still developing, but at this point it’s probably advisable to save this practice for inside your home, where at least you know what kinds of gross stuff has been dropped on the floor.

But as a general rule, let your baby get into some messes, and do your best to enjoy those typically cringe-worthy moments — like the times your dog licks the applesauce off your child’s face — knowing that it’s fortifying their immune system. And when you drop the paci, you can feel just fine about plopping it into your mouth before you stick it back into your child’s.

Extended breastfeeding

Yes, there are plenty of people who judge mothers for nursing their children beyond their first birthday, but most experts agree that the benefits of prolonged breastfeeding — like bolstered immunities for the child, and a reduced risk of breast and ovarian cancers, heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, and rheumatoid arthritis in the nursing mother — outweigh any drawbacks. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends breastfeeding for as long as the mother and baby choose to continue, and the World Health Organization and UNICEF recommend that breastfeeding continue until age 2 or longer, suggesting that it be frequent and on-demand.

The feedback loop between mother and child ensures that as the baby grows, the chemical makeup of the breast milk will change to meet the child’s evolving nutritional needs. Research has also found that women who breastfeed their children longer (up to age 3) exhibit more maternal sensitivity well past the infant and toddler years, with these benefits lasting even up until age 11 for the child. The same study found that nursing longer correlates with secure attachment.

You may choose not to nurse for an extended period, or you may not be able to for various reasons. You shouldn’t be judged for that, either. But research says that if you have the opportunity and inclination, nursing through the toddler years offers many benefits. Be sure to supplement your child's nutrition by getting him plenty of fruits, vegetables, grains, and foods or supplements that provide the necessary amounts of iron and vitamin D. And if you worry about others judging you for breastfeeding as your baby gets older, there are lots of ways to establish routines that help your toddler understand about privacy and about your boundaries regarding breastfeeding on demand.iStock

Piercing a baby’s ears

Despite the risks that can come with piercings regardless of age, infant ear piercing can be safe as long as the procedure is performed correctly and the wound is cared for well. The AAP affirms that ears may be pierced “at any age” but recommends waiting until the child is mature enough to take care of the pierced site herself.

Still, if your family’s or culture’s tradition is to pierce an infant’s ears, then there’s really no scientific reason not to do so. Just keep in mind the importance of having the procedure completed in a sterile environment by a qualified person who can guide you in post-procedure care. I agree with the AAP, which encourages parents to “have a doctor, nurse, or experienced technician” perform the procedure, and to ensure that the posts can’t come loose and pose a choking hazard. It’s also a good idea to wait until after the second round of vaccinations and your pediatrician has signed off on your baby’s overall health.

Using 'parentese'

What many call baby talk — now more typically referred to as “parentese speech” — is the communication style many of us tend to use automatically when we speak to babies. We address them almost musically, exaggerating our words and drawing out our vowels while speaking in a higher pitch. (“Do you see the babyyyyy? She’s little, like you! Oh, hi babyyy! Can you say hiiiiiii to the baaaby?”)

For some of us, this feels completely natural, even instinctive. For others, it can create feelings of self-consciousness, especially when others are watching (and possibly judging). We might even hear from people that we’re limiting our child’s development by using infantile speech patterns, that we should speak in a more “adult” tone that will model language use and acknowledge the intelligence of infants.

The truth, though, is that across languages and cultures, and controlling for socioeconomic status, speaking in parentese aids a child in terms of attention and social responsiveness, vocabulary acquisition, spoken word recognition, vocalization, and on and on. Babies even prefer baby talk over standard speech. Later on, they’ll obviously (hopefully!) move toward standard speech. But for now, let them have fun learning the patterns, rhythms, and vocabulary of their language while interacting with you in a way that connects you two even more.

Holding a baby too much

Even these days with decades of science that say otherwise, there are still people who will warn you about being too responsive to your baby’s cries. They’ll say that frequently holding your baby or picking her up or responding every time she calls for you will spoil her and teach her that she can manipulate you into responding whenever she wants you nearby. They’ll emphasize the importance of letting kids learn to soothe themselves, so they don’t grow up too dependent or entitled.

Science doesn’t have much patience for this particular position. Research argues, instead, that babies are cognitively incapable of manipulation, and you can’t spoil them through affection, holding them too much, or responding to their cries. Yes, you have to take care of your own needs, but hold your baby as much as you can and as much as she needs. That’ll strengthen the relationship and create trust between the two of you. Plus, doing so comes with numerous health and developmental benefits, for both parent and child.

But what about the dependence argument? If you’re there every time your child needs you, won’t that prevent him from developing the ability to meet his own needs? Actually, longitudinal research over many decades has demonstrated that when parents respond quickly and sensitively to their child’s cries (even beyond infanthood), it does not make the child more dependent, but rather promotes independence because the child comes to trust that the caregiver will be there when needed and keep them safe when a need is communicated. They’ll, therefore, feel safe enough to explore and move toward independence as they’re developmentally ready, and take healthy risks and face life’s challenges with resilience.

As for the message you’re sending when you respond to your infant’s cries? Yes, he’s going to learn the lesson that when he needs you, you’ll be there for him. What better message do you want to repeatedly send at this early stage of his life?

My closing advice is to trust yourself

I’m not saying that on any of these issues, you should completely ignore what others think. Listen to other credible, trustworthy opinions — those of your family and friends, and those of experts, including your pediatrician and scientific studies. After all, knowledge is power, and the more you can inform yourself, the better you’ll be able to make good decisions for your child.

But then, once you’ve heard the information and opinions, considered your family and cultural traditions, and thought about your particular infant’s needs, trust yourself to make the bests decisions for your baby and yourself. Yes, you have your own biases and preconceptions, and it’s important to remain aware of any moments where you might not be open-minded. But assuming you’ve sincerely listened to the advice of the experts and the people you trust, you can then relax and trust your instincts, deciding what makes the most sense to you. Each child, and each family, is different. There are lots of ways to be a great parent. And with your child, and in your family, you are the expert.

Tina Bryson, Ph.D., is the author of new book The Bottom Line for Baby: From Sleep Training to Screens, Thumb Sucking to Tummy Time — What the Science Says, available now.

Thrive Global: "What is “Parental Presence” and Why Is It Important?"

Jacob Lund / Shutterstock

Jacob Lund / Shutterstock

“Kids are most likely to become resilient, caring, and strong when parents show up.”

This excerpt originally appeared in Thrive Global.

What makes a good parent? 

Ask people this question and you’ll get a range of answers. Some will focus on that person’s experiences with their own parents; others on the person’s knowledge level, especially in terms of parenting philosophies. Some might emphasize the parents’ religious upbringing, or how moral and ethical they are—or how hard they work at being consistent, kind, patient, and so on. 

All of those factors can definitely influence our parenting. But as we explained in chapter 1, decades of rigorous research provide a specific answer to this question, and it’s profoundly hopeful. If we want to look at why kids do well in life (emotionally, relationally, socially, educationally, and so on), we can examine whether they’ve developed secure attachment with at least one caregiver who consistently shows up for them. And the best predictor for whether caregivers can provide this type of secure attachment is that they have what we can simply call “parental presence.” Parents with presence have reflected on and made sense of their own story and attachment history. Even if that history was challenging, making sense of one’s life empowers parents to have the open, receptive awareness of presence that enables them to show up reliably for their children.

To restate it as simply as possible, kids are most likely to become resilient, caring, and strong when parents show up. We don’t have to be perfect, but the ways in which we show up (or fail to show up) influence who our kids become and how their brains get wired. 

Naturally there are other factors—random events, inborn features of temperament, inherited vulnerabilities—that we cannot change and that also influence how our children develop. But when it comes to what we can do to shape our kids’ growth, the research is solid. Parents who show up are the ones who have made sense of their own life experiences, creating a “coherent narrative” and being able to offer parental presence so that they show up inside and out. Inside we come to understand how the past has shaped who we are in the present in a way that frees us to be what we want to be now and in the future. And outside, we learn how to have an open, receptive awareness—to have parental presence—so that our child feels felt, understood, and connected to us. Making sense and being present: That’s what showing up is all about. And that’s where we’ll begin, with helping you consider how well you’ve made sense of your experiences with your own parents and how you can be present in the lives of your kids.

How much have you reflected on the ways your childhood experiences influenced your own development, thus predicting and influencing the ways you interact with your children? How do you think your early family life impacted the ways your brain developed in response to those experiences, either directly or by how you had to learn to adapt, or perhaps even survive, in the face of challenging events?

The good news is that if you’re willing to do the work, science can show you how to understand your own attachment history. What’s more, even if you didn’t receive an optimal upbringing—because of your parents’ absence, their blind spots, their mistreatment of you, or any other reason—your attachment strategy is not fixed. History is not destiny. If your parents failed to show up for you, or showed up only sometimes, or behaved in scary and damaging ways, that doesn’t mean you can’t be there for your own kids in healthy and constructive ways. But it does mean you may have some work to do in terms of reflecting on your own attachment history and determining the kind of attachment you want to provide your own children. You can actually choose the extent to which you show up for your kids, and yes, you can build your own capacity to show up by examining your history and making sense of it for yourself.

Excerpt from THE POWER OF SHOWING UP by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, copyright © 2020 by Mind Your Brain, Inc., and Tina Payne Bryson, Inc. Used by permission of Ballantine Books, an imprint of Random House, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

Mind Body Green: "What Is A Whole-Brain Child? The 4 S's To Ensure A Secure Attachment"

Image by Vladimir Tsarkov / Stocksy

Image by Vladimir Tsarkov / Stocksy

This image and excerpt originally appeared in Mind Body Green.

Secure attachment is the outcome most caring parents are striving to help create in their children's lives. A securely attached relationship enables a child to feel at home in the world and to interact with others as an authentic individual who knows who she is. She interacts with new opportunities and challenges from a position of openness, curiosity, and receptiveness rather than rigidity, fear, and reactivity. 

Her whole brain is more integrated—which means she can employ the more sophisticated functions of her brain even when confronted with difficult situations and respond to her world from a position of security, demonstrating more emotional balance, more resilience, more insight, and more empathy. That's what we mean when we talk about a "whole-brain child." 

As a result, the child will be not only happier but also much more socially adept, which means she'll be better able to get along with others, collaboratively solve problems, consider consequences, think about other people's feelings, and on and on. In short, a securely attached child is not only happier and more content but also much easier to be with and to parent.

All four of these S's dovetail or overlap at times because when kids feel safe, seen, and soothed, they will develop a secure attachment to their caregivers: 

1. Safe

An absolute requirement for feeling secure is to feel safe. Kids feel safe when they feel protected physically, emotionally, and relationally. This is the first step toward a secure attachment, since a parent's first job is to keep his or her kids safe. They need to feel and know that they're safe. They have to believe that their parents are going to protect them from physical harm, but that, also, their parents are going to keep them safe emotionally and relationally. This doesn't mean that parents can't ever make a mistake or say or do something that leads to hurt feelings. We're all going to do that, a lot more than we'd like. But when we mess up with our kids—or when they mess up with us—we repair the damage as soon as we can.

This is how they learn that even when mistakes are made and harsh words spoken, we still love each other and want to make things right again. That message, when consistently delivered, leads to a feeling of safety. Remember, the key is repair, repair, repair. There's no such thing as perfect parenting.

2. Seen

The second of the Four S's focuses on helping kids feel seen. A big part of parenting is about simply showing up for our kids physically: We attend their recitals, spend time with them, play with them, read together, and plenty more. "Quantity time" does matter, yes. Of course it does. But seeing a child is more than just being physically present. It's about attuning to what's going on inside of them and really focusing our attention on their inner feelings, thoughts, memories—whatever is happening in their minds beneath their behaviors. 

Truly seeing a child means we pay attention to their emotions, both positive and negative. Not every second of every day; no one can do that. But on a consistent basis, we celebrate our kids' joys and victories, and we hurt with them when they experience the injuries life will inevitably deliver. We tune in to their internal landscape. That's what it means to show up emotionally and relationally, to be there for our kids and teach them what it means to love and care for someone. This is how our children come to "feel felt" by us, to sense that we feel what is going on inside them beyond just observing their external behavior. When they know that we'll dependably show up—not perfectly, and maybe not every single time—then they'll build those mental models that lead to deep security.

When your child feels seen by you and learns to know his own mind from these mindsight connections, he can come to understand others well, too. Add this experience of feeling seen to feeling safe, and a child will be well on the way to living a life full of security, meaning, and joy

3. Soothed 

In addition to feeling safe and seen, we want our children to feel soothed during their toughest times. That doesn't mean—at all—that we rescue them from all pain and discomfort. Difficult moments are, of course, where they often learn and grow the most. We must allow our kids, depending on their age and stage of life, to experience those trying times when conflict arises with friends, teachers, and others. 

To put it differently, soothing our children isn't about getting rid of the waves they will inevitably face in life's ocean. It's about teaching them to ride the waves when they come—and being with them when they need us. There should never be any doubt in their minds about whether we will show up during hard times. They should know, at their core, that when they are hurting, and even when they're at their worst, we will be there. We have to let them learn that with life comes pain, but that lesson should be accompanied by the deep awareness that they'll never have to suffer alone.

4. Security

Feeling safe, seen, and soothed leads to the fourth S, security, which is based on predictability. Again, it's not about perfection. No one can parent without making mistakes. Rather, it's about letting your kids know that they can count on you, time and again, to show up. Their security will come when they believe that you'll do all you can to keep them safe, that you'll work hard to help them feel seen when they come to you, and that when things don't go their way, you'll be there to soothe them. The neurobiological effect of the Four S's is an integrated brain: a nervous system that's resilient and that doesn't stay in prolonged stress. 

As a result, kids can approach life from an assumption that they are safe, that love and relationships will be consistent and present in their lives, and that they can handle life's inevitable difficult moments, leaving them feeling secure and at home in the world.

Adapted from The Power of Showing Up by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, copyright © 2020 by Mind Your Brain Inc., and Tina Payne Bryson Inc. Used by permission of Ballantine Books, an imprint of Random House, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

Mom.com: When It Comes to Parenting, Just Showing Up Has More Power Than You Think

mom-kissing-child (1).jpg

There’s no such thing as flawless child-rearing. (We’ll pause while you let out a deep, relieved breath.) So raise a warm, left-in-the-minivan juice box to all of us imperfect parents out there.

At some level we all know this, but many of us — especially committed, thoughtful, intentional parents — consistently fall prey to feelings of anxiety or inadequacy. We worry about our children and their safety, of course, but we also worry that we’re not being “good enough” in the way we’re raising them. We worry that our kids won’t grow up to be responsible or resilient or relational or ... (fill in the blank). We worry about the times we let them down, or hurt them. We worry that we’re not giving them enough attention, or that we’re giving them too much attention. We even worry that we worry too much!

We’ve written our new book, The Power of Showing Up, for all the imperfect parents who care deeply about their kids (as well as for imperfect grandparents and teachers and professionals and anyone else who cares for a child). We have one central message full of comfort and hope: When you’re not sure how to respond in a given situation with your child, don’t worry. There’s one thing you can always do, and it’s the best thing of all. Instead of worrying, or trying to attain some standard of perfection that simply doesn’t exist, just show up.

Showing up means what it sounds like. It means being there for your kids. It means being physically present, as well as providing a quality of presence. Provide it when you’re meeting their needs; when you’re expressing your love to them; when you’re disciplining them; when you’re laughing together; even when you’re arguing with them. You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to read all the parenting bestsellers, or sign your kids up for all the right enrichment activities. You don’t have to have a committed co-parent. You don’t even have to know exactly what you’re doing. Just show up.

Showing up means bringing your whole being — your attention and awareness — when you’re with your child. When we show up, we are mentally and emotionally present for our child in that moment. In many ways, there is no other time but now — this present moment of time — and you are in charge of learning how to show up in ways that will both greatly empower you as a parent and promote resilience and strength in your child. It’s this power of presence that enables us to create an empowered mind for our children — even if we mess up on a regular basis.

Depending on your background and what kind of parents you had as a child, showing up for your own kids might come naturally. Or, you might find it difficult. You might even recognize at this moment that you’re not showing up for your kids in a consistent way, either physically or emotionally.

Of course we all make better and worse decisions as parents, and there are all kinds of skills we can attain to help our children develop in optimal ways. But when you get right down to it, parenting is about simply being present for our kids. The longitudinal research on child development clearly demonstrates that one of the very best predictors for how any child turns out — in terms of happiness, social and emotional development, leadership skills, meaningful relationships, and even academic and career success — is whether they developed security from having at least one person who showed up for them.

When a caregiver predictably (not perfectly) cares for a child, that child will enjoy the very best outcomes, even in the face of significant adversity. Predictable care that supports a healthy and empowering relationship embodies what we call the "Four S’s” — helping kids feel (1) safe — they feel protected and sheltered from harm; (2) seen — they know you care about them and pay attention to them; (3) soothed — they know you’ll be there for them when they’re hurting; and (4) secure — based on the other S’s, they trust you to predictably help them feel “at home” in the world, then learn to help themselves feel safe, seen, and soothed.

When we can offer kids the Four S’s, making repairs whenever the inevitable ruptures in these connections with our children may occur, we help create what’s called “secure attachment,” and it’s absolutely key to optimal healthy development.

There should never be any doubt in their minds about whether we will show up during hard times. They should know, at their core, that when they are hurting, and even when they’re at their worst, we will be there.

(An excerpt from The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired, by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.)

Gretchen Rubin: “When Children Feel Safe, Seen, and Soothed (Most of the Time), They Develop Security.”

Gretchen-rubin-site.jpeg

This article first appeared on GretchenRubin.com.

Interview: Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson.

Dr. Daniel J. Siegel is a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine and executive director of the Mindsight Institute. Dan is also a New York Times bestselling author, neuropsychiatrist, and interpersonal neurobiologist. Dr. Tina Payne Bryson is a psychotherapist and the Founder/Executive Director of The Center for Connection, a multidisciplinary clinical practice, and of The Play Strong Institute, a center devoted to the study, research, and practice of play therapy through a neurodevelopment lens. She is a New York Times bestselling author whose books have been translated into over forty languages.

Their new book is The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired.

I couldn't wait to talk to Dan and Tina about happiness, habits, and relationships.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity or habit that consistently makes you happier, healthier, more productive, or more creative?

Dan: As daily as I can, missing some days but making most, I do a simple practice called the Wheel of Awareness. For me, this way of differentiating elements of consciousness from one another and then linking them has been a powerful way of feeling lighter in the face of all the heaviness in the world, and generating not only energy and clarity, but also a feeling of wholeness and joy. I’ve offered this now to nearly 47,000 people in person in workshops around the world, and the response when people take on the Wheel as a regular practice is similar. 

One thing that is interesting is that the three “pillars” of mind training that research show make our health better (decreasing inflammation, improving immune function, enhancing the ways our heart communicates with our head, reducing inflammation, and even repairing the ends of our chromosomes—our telomeres—each contribute to not only our health, but slows the aging process!) as well as leading to the growth of integration in the brain—the best predictor in terms of neural function and structure of our well-being. 

Tina: I spend at least one day a week, most weeks, with my best friend. Until we pick our kids up from school, we usually exercise and eat lunch together, and then, we play and are productive, but whatever we need to do, we’re doing it together. We often run errands, grocery shop, hit the post office, cook, shop, or help each other with projects. And sometimes we go to Costco (because we each have three teenage boys, but no one should ever go alone there—I definitely require a therapeutic companion to walk in the doors!), or we do “mean purge” where we go to each other’s houses and help each other go through a closet. We call it mean purge because we are brutally honest with each other and say things like “Just no. You should never wear that again.” We laugh and laugh and laugh and talk and listen, and I look forward to it every week, definitely making me happier and healthier.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?

Dan: Happiness is a skill you can develop, not just a function of your temperament or circumstance.

Tina: I’ve never thought about that question! For me, happiness and negative emotions are often not mutually exclusive. If I’m feeling sad, or worried, or anxious, I often also can feel happy.

Happiness and gratitude are so intimately intertwined for me that those two emotions are hard to separate in my emotion or physiology. When I’m happiest, I’m present to the gratitude I feel, and when I feel grateful, I am happy. And because this is the case, even when I’m going through something unpleasant or even devastating, and all that is between, if I can notice what I feel I grateful for, I can still feel a contented happiness. I grew up with parents who cultivated gratitude, and they explicitly appreciated moments all the time, and it’s very much a part of who I am.

My college son, who is several states away, became ill last spring and didn’t seem to be getting better, so I flew to lay eyes on him and help him recover. He was so ill that he was hospitalized and his life was in danger. I was there, bedside for days, by myself (and just in touch with my husband and mom via phone), worried about him. Very worried. And exhausted. AND I was so grateful that he called me, that I was there with him, that I trusted my instinct to go to him, that there was available healthcare.  So even while I was sad, and worried, and in moments angry at some of the medical professionals, I could still feel grateful, so I could still access happiness with all the other feelings.

You’ve done fascinating research. What has surprised or intrigued you—or your readers—most?

Dan: Many things. The “mind” as a term, for one. Our fields that deal with it—psychiatry, psychology, philosophy of mind, education—don’t have a definition of what it “is.” Many descriptions exist, but no definitions. How surprising! This finding has then lead to an effort to offer a working definition, one that then gives rise to a way of building a framework based on all the fields of science, from math and physics, to psychology and anthropology, that we call “interpersonal neurobiology.” There is an “inter” aspect to our mind, and an inner, personal aspect to it, too. That view, of an inner and inter, has been a powerful perspective to take to the many fields that deal with happiness and health, for example, like parenting, education, mental health, organizational functioning, and even climate challenges. It’s been, and continues to be, an intriguing journey. 

Once we can wrestle with a working definition of the mind, we can then make a working proposal of what a healthy mind is, and how we can cultivate one. These are the ideas that are embedded in the professional, public, and parenting books I write. 

Tina: I am intrigued by the continual emerging science that explores the brain and nervous system, and how they change from the experiences we have. Specifically, what I find most intriguing is that as complex as the brain and human development are, there is a fairly simple finding from decades of many studies that relational experiences have a significant impact on how we develop and who we are. The science indicates that one of the best predictors for how well our children turn out is that they have secure attachment to at least one person.

Dan Siegel and I, in our book The Power of Showing Updescribe secure attachment with “The Four S’s”. When children feel safe, seen (being known and understood), and soothed (being helped to feel calm and good again) most of the time (not perfectly), they develop security (where their brain wires to expect that people will see their needs and show up for them). This can guide us as parents—parenting isn’t easy, but showing up and being present is something we can all try to do. This is also applicable in all of our relationships—when we don’t know what to do or how to respond, we can turn to the 4 S’s to instruct us—we show up, and when we are having a hard time, we can seek out people who will help us feel the 4 S’s.

As mammals, we’re driven to get close to someone else to help us survive.  It’s hard to do sometimes, but I love the simplicity and clarity of it.

Have you ever managed to gain a challenging healthy habit—or to break an unhealthy habit? If so, how did you do it?

Dan: Yes—when I turned 40 over two decades ago, I realized that though I was trim, I wasn’t fit at all.  I was lost in my head and lost in my relationships with my patients in therapy and at home with my kids and my wife and my friends and my dogs.  I love walking around, but I didn’t know that my body needed to be pushing its aerobic meter a lot harder, and to use weights to combat loss of muscle mass and bone density. So, since then, I’ve been an avid exerciser. I love to exercise, actually. I don’t know if its all the physiological change that happens, endorphins and other substances that are deeply rewarding, or if it’s the time I have to just be with the exercise. It feels great to have a regular (five day a week) exercise routine that includes the gym, the pool, bike riding, and hiking.  It’s also a time to listen to books or papers I need to read—so it’s a win-win-win situation. In fact, that’s where I’m headed after I finish writing this to you.

Tina: I got Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/Fibromyalgia at age 23, right after I got married, and dealt with significant, chronic pain and exhaustion for about six years (sometimes so severe that I couldn’t walk without help).  Fortunately, when I got pregnant for the first time, a lot of my symptoms went away, but I still dealt with ongoing health issues, was in graduate school, and had three kids, so I never exercised regularly until I was about 37. It was really hard to get started, and I hated it (I still very much don’t like exercising), but I was successful in gaining this habit because I did it with friends and I went to a scheduled class that I knew they’d be attending as well. I still go to that class, and the social aspect of it makes me hate it less, and it makes me more accountable knowing that they’re counting on me, too.

Would you describe yourself as an Upholder, a Questioner, a Rebel, or an Obliger

Dan: Gretchen, we did the LA Live Talks a while back, and as your interviewer I told you that I loved the approach—and I’m not sure if it came up then, but it was clear from reading the book and then discussing this on stage with you that I am solidly in the Rebel and Questioner divisions, one foot in each camp. They go well together, actually, and as a psychiatrist and developmental attachment researcher, I can see how there is a blend of experience and in-born temperament likely at play to place me there.  I love these divisions and try to use it well at work. You’d need to ask Caroline Welch, my wife, how that works out in our marriage, or my now-adult kids what that was like for having a father who rebelled and questioned everything. 

Tina: I major in Obliger, and minor in Upholder.  I identify with both, and am working on cultivating a little more Questioner/Rebel in my life.

Does anything tend to interfere with your ability to keep your healthy habits or your happiness? (e.g. travel, parties, email)

Dan: The world’s intense needs, escalating as they are, have come directly in contact with what we at the Mindsight Institute, do—help people strengthen their minds and build resilience in their lives so they can be happier and healthier individually and relationally and bring that out into the world too. This convergence means we have a lot on our plate—and we build on the science framework of interpersonal neurobiology to offer practical ways of creating more well-being.  I don’t know if this full life is “keeping me” away from healthy habits or happiness, but it certainly makes it challenging sometimes to just hang out and relax, which is where my growth edge is these days. 

Tina: Yes. What gets in the way of healthy habits, particularly sleep and exercise, is saying yes to too many things. I’m super committed to being with my boys when they’re home, so my work is relegated to school hours and after their bedtimes (or while they’re working on homework, but that’s usually when I’m making dinner). Because I love my work, am driven, overcommit, and tend to be an Obliger, I may skimp on sleep or exercise or self care or time alone to take care of others or to get things accomplished or to not miss out on fun or connecting time with others. When I travel for speaking, sometimes several times a month, it’s even more challenging. I’m still working on it!

Have you ever been hit by a lightning bolt, where you made a major change very suddenly, as a consequence of reading a book, a conversation with a friend, a milestone birthday, a health scare, etc.?

Dan: Yes—when I was almost 20, a horse-riding accident (the saddle went to the horse’s belly and my feet stayed in the stirrups) led to my being dragged a long way on stones. I nearly died, but survived with some significant injuries that gave me an existential shift, sudden, into the fragility of life, and the precious gift of being here, alive, awake, able to connect, and deeply grateful for each day, each moment really. That was a bolt, for sure—a kind of shock that woke me up from a prior life of fretting about small things, which I try not to do, and embracing the large perspective that we have this one life and can live it fully here, fully present, for the journey. 

Tina: Yes! It was when I attended a conference and heard Dan Siegel speak about interpersonal neurobiology. I was sitting with my mom and grabbed her arm and said “I have a professional crush on interpersonal neurobiology! I have to study more.” The science and framework he shared that day allowed so many of the questions I had in my graduate studies to “click” and come together in a way that made sense. I boldly (not typical of myself at that time) waited to talk to Dan and ended up studying with him for almost 10 years, changed the course of my PhD program, and ultimately my career and life changed dramatically (and amazingly) that day.

Is there a particular motto or saying that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”) Or a quotation that has struck you as particularly insightful?

Dan: I often use “Be Gretchen” but lately it hasn’t worked for me so well. A few I like are these: “It is what it is;” “Be a verb, not a noun;” and “From me to MWe.” (Me plus We = MWe.) And John O’Donohue’s wonderful poem, "Fluent:" “I’d love to live like a river flows, carried by the surprise of its own unfolding.”

Tina: I tend to be like a hummingbird—fast paced and zooming everywhere fast. So, I remind myself “Breathe. Slow down. Be present.” And since reading about my leanings to be an Obliger, and a common theme of conflict with my husband, I am now waking up in the morning and saying to myself “Don’t just go along.”

Has a book ever changed your life—if so, which one and why?

Dan: John O’Donohue’s Anam Cara—opened my eyes to deep mystical and poetic senses of life—and one of the most important friendships I’ve had with dear John; and Joanna Macy’s World as Lover, World as Self—a magnificent woman I’ve just come to know writing about how we can be in the body we are born into but also live fully as an interrelated, interconnected, deeply embedded part of nature. Those two, Joanna and John, have had a huge influence on who I am, and who I am becoming; I think they would have loved each other.

Tina: At 19, I read The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck.  My boyfriend at the time (and now my husband of 25 years) suggested we read it together.  A key message from that book had a huge impact on me, that the goal of seeking happiness might make us avoid struggle and pain and so, instead the goal should be growth, which makes us more willing to struggle and deal with pain, which would lead to growth, and perhaps even to deeper happiness.

In your field, is there a common misperception or incorrect assumption that you’d like to correct?

Dan: Yes: “Mind” is an important term is so many fields influencing our well-being and happiness. Yet in science and medicine, it is often equated with the brain’s activity only. This is one perspective, one that may not fit with a larger scientific view of our subjectivity, our consciousness, our information processing, and our “self-organization.” Mind may be in part related to the body’s brain, yes, but it is much broader than the brain, bigger even than the body by itself. 

A second and related misconception is to say that the self—what many consider a product of the mind—is only embodied. We ask people “where are you?” and they point to the body, naturally you might say.  But this seemingly common and benign spatial reference to the body as the sole source of mind, of identity, of self, may also be an error. The self, emerging from mind, may be both fully embodied and fully relational—emerging not only from within our bodies, an inner self, but also from our interconnections, our relational mind. 

One way to encapsulate these important ways of considering mind and its self is to say that our identity is not only a “me” that happens in these bodies we are born into, but it is also a “we” that emerges in our connections with people and the planet—with nature. In the viewpoint of interpersonal neurobiology, health emerges from a process of linking differentiated parts of a system. We call that process, integration. Integration is the best predictor of our health and happiness. If this is true, how can our experience of self and of mind be supporting the growth toward resilience and well-being? How can we face the challenges of our planet in the years to come with deep integrity and strength? A starting place might be to help one another move from the isolation of the modern cultural view of a separate, “solo-self” that experiences life in isolation in our contemporary times—isolated from one another, and from nature. One step in this journey toward resilience and well-being might be in cultivating an integrated identity. This would mean a simple but important equation that might look like this: Me plus We = MWe. For this person writing and colleagues on this journey, the MWe sense of integration is a powerful way of joining with one another and helping support an empowered way to cultivate pervasive leadership for each person—helping any given person find the ways to bring more integration and connection into their lives, one day, one moment, at a time. 

Thanks for the questions Gretchen.  Keep up the wonderful work in the world! 

Tina: I feel passionate about helping adults question how we think about kids’ behaviors and how we respond to them. Most adults assume that when kids are acting out and having temporary or ongoing behavioral problems that they are always willfully choosing to misbehave.

Of course sometimes this is true, but a lot of times, especially when they are young, the kids who have the most difficult behaviors are acting that way because their nervous system and brain are having a reactive, stress response. When that happens, the kids don’t want to behave the way that they do, feel badly about it, and even dislike themselves because of it, which in turn feeds the dysregulation.

Behavior is communication about what skills a kid still needs to build, or what they are not yet able to do well. So if we want a kid to change their behavior, we need to change ours. We need to start by being curious, we need to identify what skills the child is communicating he doesn’t have yet, and then we need to rise up to help the kid build those skills. 

Kids who struggle need help and support, and often the kinds of punishments and labels we give kids don’t do anything to teach them how to do things with better skill, and often make things worse because they make the kid feel worse about themselves. When we see that our jobs as disciplinarians are to teach and build skills and to help children meet our high expectations and boundaries, and that behaviors are communication about what still needs to be taught, it can help us move away from counterproductive approaches and move toward more effective ones.

Read It Forward: "Why Active Reading to Our Children Matters"

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This article first appeared on Read It Forward.

By Daniel J. Siegel & Tina PayneBryson

In an age of digital media filling our eyes and ears with ever-changing sights and sounds that pull our limited time and attention toward compelling videos, podcasts, and more, has reading to our kids, or to ourselves, become irrelevant? Why should taking in the long strings of words on a page or screen, to read, be something we do instead of just turning on our devices and sitting back to let the audiovisual stimuli take over? Is the energy and focus it takes to read really worth the effort or is reading done?

Here’s our take on these questions: Keep reading alive in your life, if not for your own mental resource-building, but for the many benefits it offers for learning lifelong skills for your children.

There are many reasons to keep reading to your kids at the top of your priority list of not just what to do with your kids, but how to be with them. The kind of reading we are talking about can be called active reading, the way we can read a story to our kids and then engage them in a conversation reflecting on what was read. One reason to keep the practice of active reading alive is that it involves a very unique form of learning that builds directly on who we are as a human species: story-telling beings. The art of narrative, the linear telling of a sequence of events, invites the mind to use language to create images, what scientists call “representations,” of both the events of the story as well as the inner mental experiences—the feelings, thoughts, memories, and intentions—of the characters of those events. That effect of reading builds our creative imagination, and at the same time strengthens our linguistic skills.

Research on memory also reveals that when we can think in narrative form, we are much more likely to remember what we’ve heard. The human brain is a sense-making organ, and hearing and telling stories are the brain’s way of examining the world of events, considering how minds handle those happenings and then changing their behavior based on what is going on. Narratives are more than descriptions of things that happen, they reveal the meaning of the events and the many ways we can make sense of life.

Need more reasons to read? When we examine our parent-child relationships and the ways our children can grow toward a flourishing life, do you know what the most robust predictor of that healthy attachment to us is? Yes, it is how we connect with our kids and see them for who they are, keep them safe, help them feel soothed, and provide each of these in a way that gives them a sense of security. Our connection to them doesn’t come out of nowhere. Amazingly, across cultures and across generations, the coherence of the parents’ autobiographical narrative—how they’ve come to make sense of their lives and be able to relate it in the story of where they’ve been and who they are—is the one factor that predicts how this security in our children will develop. When parents show up for their kids to offer them secure relationships, they have this making-sense process down. Scientists call this general ability “mental time travel,” as it connects past with the present and helps us imagine the future in what is called “a prospective mind.” Kids with that prospective capacity to view what may and should happen next have more flexibility and well-developed self-awareness and self-determination.

When we read to our children, we are not only building these important relational experiences of security and connection, but also the linguistic, cognitive, and conversational abilities that help them participate in something called “co-construction of narrative.” Instead of simply reciting words on a page, the stories we actively read to our children can be part of an ongoing conversation we have with them about events, about life, about the mind, about who we are. You can ask your child questions about the story and its characters, exploring together the meanings that emerge within your now-shared narratives. Many adults will often remark that a powerful part of their childhood was sharing stories with their caregivers. Reading to your kids helps strengthen that bond between the two of you that can last a lifetime.

Taken together, these findings point to the importance of reading to our kids to support their language development, memory abilities, and narrative capacity, as well as to help them learn and strengthen the dying art of connecting in conversations. In addition, if a child can articulate what is going on in their emotional life, they are more likely to be able to soothe their distress, to make sense of what is happening inside of them, and to regulate their emotions. As Fred Rogers famously said, if emotions are mentionable, they can be manageable. We like to say, name it to tame it. In sharing reading with our children, we are directly teaching them to use language to narrate life, to put words together to describe the unfolding events across time and how the inner mental life works.

Beyond reading just anything, sharing well-written fiction in the form of novels and short stories—narratives that have the inner mental landscape woven with the action aspects of the events—helps children imagine what is going on inside the mind—what can be simply called “mindsight.” This skill to know the mind, the subjective life of feelings and thoughts, the inner subjective life of others, and ourselves, is actually learned during our interactions with others—our parents in the beginning, and then with teachers and peers. Parents are the first teachers of mindsight.

When we read stories to our kids, we are teaching them about the mind and how to develop mindsight—the basis of social and emotional intelligence. With these powerfully important life skills, our kids learn how to navigate the complex social worlds in which we all travel. Mindsight is a set of skills enabling us to have insight, empathy, compassion, and kindness.

Why read to our kids? Sharing stories as we read with them strengthens our relationships, stimulates our shared mindsight conversations, and brings us closer, creating more mutual understanding and connection. Why wouldn’t we want these inner and relational benefits for our children—and for ourselves? Keep up those active reading skills—and remember—it’s never too late to start!

Romper: "Surround Your Child With A Village, But Above All Show Up"

This article originally appeared in Romper on January 6, 2020

By Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.

Maybe it takes a village to raise a child, but not just a village. It also requires at least one person to take the lead and show up consistently.

That’s the key finding from decades of child-rearing science. Of course it’s good to have a strong support network caring for a child in positive ways — grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, and so on. The “village approach” has long been part of our history of raising our young and benefits children and their parents in numerous ways. But there are increasing concerns that many of the responsibilities for raising kids are being outsourced, as the village expands to include tutors, coaches, and “enrichment specialists” leading classes on music, language, social skills, and even time management and executive functioning.

There’s nothing wrong with offering kids additional enrichment or widening their circle of supporters who care for and help them develop. But what children need most — and science has demonstrated this again and again — is to have someone that they know will show up for them when it matters. The longitudinal research on child development clearly demonstrates that one of the very best predictors for how any child turns out — in terms of happiness, social and emotional development, leadership skills, meaningful relationships, and even academic and career success — is whether they developed secure attachment from having at least one person they knew would be there for them to rely upon, trust in, and lean on.

That’s what we call showing up. It happens when a caregiver predictably (not perfectly) cares for a child. Showing up produces the very best outcomes, even in the face of significant adversity. Predictable care that supports a healthy and strength-producing relationship comes in the form of what we call the “Four S’s” — helping kids feel:

  1. safe — where they feel protected and sheltered from harm;

  2. seen — where they know you care about them and pay attention to them;

  3. soothed — where they know you’ll be there for them when they’re having a hard time; and

  4. secure — which develops from the other S’s where their brain is wired to trust you to predictably show up and help them feel “at home” in the world, then learn to help themselves feel safe, seen, and soothed.

Throughout our careers as researchers and parenting educators, we’ve worked hard to avoid oversimplifying complex process or offering so-called silver bullets that offer the one true way to raise kids. But it really is possible to strip away the childrearing debates and controversies, and boil parenting down to the concept that matters most when it comes to helping kids be happy and healthy, so they enjoy and succeed in life and in relationships. When we do that, things do actually become fairly simple (but not necessarily easy). Ultimately, kids need parents — at least one of them — to show up, consistently helping them feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure.

Having a village is a powerful gift when it comes to supporting and nurturing our kids. When a community shows up for a parent, that parent can better show up for the child. But the village, as valuable and important as it is, can’t take the place of parental presence, both physical and emotional. In the end, it comes down to making sure that each child has at least one consistent person to come home to when he or she gets back from visiting the other villagers.

The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired (Ballantine) is out now from Ballantine.

NY Times: "Do You Really 'See' Your Child?"

Helicopter parenting has become the American norm, but it may not be the best way to connect with our kids.

Helicopter parenting has become the American norm, but it may not be the best way to connect with our kids.

By Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.

This article originally appeared in the NY Times on January 6, 2020.

Take a moment and fast forward in your mind to a day in the future when your child, now an adult, looks back and talks about whether she felt truly seen and embraced by you. Maybe she’s talking to a spouse, a friend or a therapist — someone with whom she can be totally, brutally honest. Perhaps she’s saying, “My mom, she wasn’t perfect, but I always knew she loved me just as I was.” Or, “My dad really got me, and he was always in my corner, even when I did something wrong.” Would your child say something like that? Or would she end up talking about how her parents always wanted her to be something she wasn’t, or didn’t take the time to really understand her, or wanted her to act in ways that weren’t authentic in order to play a particular role in the family or come across a certain way?

Put another way, do our kids feel seen by us? Do they feel truly seen for who they are — not for who we’d like them to be, and not filtered through our own fears or desires?

Parents in the United States today feel increasing pressure to practice some form of “hyper-parenting,” a time- and resource-intensive style of child-rearing also known as helicopter parenting. Even though a majority of parents now see it as the optimal approach, hyper-parenting is mainly practiced by the affluent, who spend huge amounts of time and money in an effort to give their kids every possible advantage — from baby Mandarin classes and private oboe lessons to travel soccer teams and SAT tutoring.

Intensive parenting is problematic not only because of the pressure it puts on parents, but because some research suggests that all this exhausting parental striving may not be the best way to raise children. In fact, our research and experience suggest that raising happy, healthy, flourishing kids requires parents to do just one key thing. It’s not about reading all the parenting best sellers or signing your kids up for all the right activities. You don’t even have to know exactly what you’re doing. Just show up.

Showing up means bringing your whole being — your attention and awareness — into this moment with your child. When we show up, we are mentally and emotionally present for our child right now. Naturally, no one can do this for everyone all the time, but as we explain in our new book, “The Power of Showing Up,” the idea is to approach parenting being present and aware in your interactions with your child — and to make repairs when that doesn’t happen.

Longitudinal research on child development suggests that one of the best predictors for how any child turns out — in terms of happiness, social and emotional development, meaningful relationships, and even academic and career success — is having received sensitive, supportive care early in life. We believe the key element is an adult who supported the child by offering what we call the “Four S’s” — helping them feel 1) safe — where they feel protected and sheltered from harm; 2) seen — where they know you care about them and pay attention to them as they really are; 3) soothed — where they know you’ll be there for them when they’re hurting; and 4) secure — which develops from the other S’s so they trust you to predictably help them feel “at home” in the world.

In the world of intensive hyper-parenting, the third S — “seen” — often seems to get left behind. We all know we should keep our kids safe and secure, and most of us believe we should soothe them when they’re upset. But what about really seeing them?

You know the clichés of the dad who pushes his disinterested son to be an athlete, or the mom who rides her child to make straight A’s, regardless of the child’s inclinations. These are parents failing to see who their kids really are. If they happen occasionally over the course of a childhood they won’t make a huge difference — no one can truly see a child 100% of the time. But over time the child’s sense of not being seen can not only harm the child, but the parent and the relationship.

That sets up a heartbreaking reality: there are kids who live a majority of their childhoods not being seen. Never feeling understood. Rarely having the experience that someone feels their feelings, takes on their perspective, knows their likes and dislikes. Imagine how these children feel — invisible and alone. When they think about their teachers, their peers, even their parents, one thought can run through their minds: “They don’t get me at all.”

What keeps a child from feeling seen and understood? Sometimes, it’s when we see the child through a lens that has more to do with our own desires, fears, and issues than with our child’s individual personality, passions, and behavior. Maybe we become fixated on a label and say, “He’s the baby,” or “She’s the athletic (or shy or artistic) one.” Or “He’s stubborn, just like his dad.” When we define our kids like this, using labels or comparisons to capture and categorize them, we prevent ourselves from seeing them for who they are.

Even in our most well-meaning moments, we can fall into the trap of hoping our kids will be something other than who they really are. We might want our child to be studious or athletic or artistic or neat or achievement-oriented or something else. But what if he just doesn’t care about kicking a ball into a net? Or is even unable to do so? What if she has no interest in playing the flute? What if it doesn’t seem important to get straight A’s, or it feels inauthentic to conform to gender norms?

Seeing our kids also means being willing to look beyond our initial assumptions and interpretations. If your child is quiet when she meets an adult, you might assume she is being impolite and try to improve her social skills. But she may simply be feeling shy or anxious. Rather than immediately correcting manners, you should first observe where she is right now, and work to understand the feelings behind the behavior.

The point is to develop an attitude of curiosity rather than immediate judgment. When your toddler plays the “let’s push the plate of spaghetti off the highchair” game, your initial assumption might be that he’s trying to press your buttons. But if you look at his face and notice how fascinated he is by the red splatter on the floor and the wall, you might feel and respond differently. You might be just as frustrated about having to clean it up, but maybe you could pause and ask yourself, “I wonder why he did that?” If your curiosity can lead you to see him as a young researcher gathering data as he explores this world that’s so new to him, you can respond with intentionality and patience, even as you clean up his experiment. (And perhaps draw your own conclusion and put a towel down the next time you serve pasta.)

Each child is an individual. When our own desires and assumptions lead us to perceive that child as something other than who they are, we are unable to see them clearly. And if we can’t see our kids, then what do we really mean when we say we love them? How can we embrace them as the individuals they are?

In the end, truly seeing your kids isn’t about being some sort of super-parent. You don’t have to read minds or transcend your shortcomings or achieve spiritual enlightenment. And you certainly don’t have to drive yourself and your family insane trying to attend every available enrichment activity. You just have to show up, allowing your kids to feel that you get them and that you’ll be there for them, no matter what. When you do that, you’ll be teaching them how to love, and how relationships work. They’ll be more likely to choose friends and partners who will see and show up for them, and they’ll learn how to do it for others, meaning they’ll build skills for healthy relationships, including with their own kids, who can then pass the lesson on down the line through future generations. That’s what it means to see — really see — your children.

Then, maybe someday, they’ll sit down with you for that cup of coffee and let you know how grateful they are for the way you saw them for who they were, and for the ways you showed up in their life.

Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. are the authors of “The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired.”

Romper: "Do Toddlers Get Embarrassed? They Only Seem Shameless, Experts Say"

This article originally appeared in Romper on October 19, 2019. Article by Alice Emory.

Anyone who has spent any time with a toddler knows they are wont to do, say, and throw whatever the heck they please, with little (i.e. zero) thought as to how their bonkers actions are perceived by the public. The world is theirs to enjoy/destroy, and we are all just bystanders bearing sippy cups and Cheerios. It makes one wonder: do toddlers ever get embarrassed?

I know when the words "embarrassment" and "toddler" are strung together, it's usually when one is relaying a story to a friend... like how their son pulled down his pants in Applebees and shouted "Mommy's buh-gina is waaaay bigger than mine!"

We don't really think of toddlers as being embarrassed... hiding behind lace fans... quietly blushing. Especially as they are much more likely to throw a lace fan into the toilet and pretend it's Cinderella drowning. I mean, these are individuals who are prone to raking foods they don't like to the floor, and to asking the mail man why his nose looks so weird. But believe it or not, toddlers do in fact get embarrassed.

Dr. Tina Bryson is a psychotherapist, and the founder of The Center for Connection and Play Strong Institute. Her forthcoming book is The Power of Showing Up: How parental presence shapes who our kids become and how their brains get wired. Bryson says that newer research shows that toddlers can get embarrassed far earlier than previously thought: "Some studies even indicate that toddlers may begin to experience these types of emotions around 18-24 months. If you think about it, this is pretty remarkable," says Bryson. "Think about what is required for these emotions to emerge. They must realize they are a separate 'self,' that their thoughts are different from other people’s thoughts, and that others may judge them or see them in negative ways. This is super complex thinking and a sophisticated 'theory of mind.'"

And what, pray tell, is embarrassing to a toddler? "They tend to be more easily embarrassed with strangers than they are with siblings and parents, and people they're really comfortable with," Bryson explains. "Really young kids might experience embarrassment when they get caught doing something they know they are not supposed to be doing. Or if they are performing, like dancing or singing. One of my sons, at age 2, would tell me 'don’t look at me' in an attempt to do something he wasn’t supposed to, and to avoid the feeling of embarrassment."

Dr. Tovah Klein is the director of the Barnard College Center for Toddler Development, and the author of How Toddlers Thrive. She says toddlers can also feel embarrassed by too much attention and focus being on them. (Hard to believe, I know. Especially considering my own son used to literally grab my face every four seconds to get me to look at what he was doing.) But Klein says when they have not asked for it or don't want attention, they can find it mortifying.

"Singing 'happy birthday' to a two or three year-old can cause them to bury their head into a parent's shoulder or start to cry," Klein says. "Another example is a toddler may say something that is heard as cute and funny by adults, so the adults laugh. The toddler can become embarrassed without any understanding as to why the attention is on them or why others are laughing."

And just like adults, toddlers cringe when their big plans don't pan out. "They could be building a block tower and it falls down, when their idea was to build it tall. This lack of ability to build the tower can cause embarrassment, even if no one ridiculed them for it. It is the embarrassment of not being able to do something they desire to do," says Klein. (I feel ya, toddlers.)

As for how to handle when your toddler is having a bout of embarrassment? Klein and Bryson both agree that it's actually important to note it. While it might feel like the right thing is to spare your little one's feelings, and just stare off into the distance and whistle like you totally didn't notice that their magna tile chair was a massive failure of architectural integrity, really, the right thing is to point out the emotion the child is feeling. "Label it and provide comfort to them," Klein says. "You really wanted to get on that climber and instead you slipped down. That embarrassed you. Sometimes things don't work out as planned. It's ok, and if you want to try again later you can.' Provide comfort to help them move on, and for most children, don't overly dwell on it. You can let them know that everyone gets embarrassed at times. Similarly, parents can model. If you accidentally knock over a glass of milk, rather than feeling badly about it, grab a sponge, clean it up and let you child know that spills happen sometimes, no big deal."

Wise words, indeed. We all blunder sometimes, both old and young. I must remember this the next time I accidentally try to pay for a latte using a tampon I just pulled from my coat pocket. It happens. No big deal...

Experts:

Dr. Tovah Klein, director of the Barnard College Center for Toddler Development, and the author of How Toddlers Thrive

Dr. Tina Bryson, psychotherapist and the founder of The Center for Connection and Play Strong Institute

USA Today: "Best business reads: Parenting books could help you boost your work performance in 2020"

This article originally appeared in USA Today on December 19, 2019. Article by Jeff Stibel, Special to USA TODAY.

Holiday reading lists are always packed with business books. Problem is, most books about business are uninspiring. The best books about business typically have absolutely nothing to do with business. This is true of most things: we learn more by applying knowledge than from copying it.

In that spirit, my list of must-read business books for the holidays has everything and nothing to do with business. If you want to get an edge next year in business, read about parenting:

The Power of Showing Up by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

Showing up is so simple yet so hard. As a parent, it is my single biggest challenge, and it is equally difficult to do in business. I spent time with Tina while she was writing her book and it was immediately clear to me that her message transcends parenting.

Being present is often the difference between success and failure in life. But how many of us actually remain in the moment, available and at the ready. I studied this book first with my children in mind. And then I read it a second time as a business book. I am still deciding what genre it actually belongs to.

Business isn’t that hard, or at least it is no more difficult than raising a child. Actually, both are pretty hard and similar in many respects. While somewhat surprising at first blush, it is no coincidence that as an entrepreneur, I know a lot of parenting experts.

To be sure, I have two kids and want to be the best parent possible. But I also have other “kids” in the form of businesses. Whether you work at a business or run one, a good parenting book might be the perfect stor over the holidays to help jump start your business career in the new year.

Click here to read the full article on USA Today.com

Washington Post: "When death goes to the movies: How to help kids cope with the scary stuff"

This article originally appeared in the Washington Post on July 2, 2019. Article by Grace Lovelace and

Erika Flesher.

This summer many parents are already humming “Hakuna Matata” as they anticipate taking their children to see the new version Disney’s “The Lion King.” 

Some of us will no doubt have seen the film the first time around, perhaps when we were children. We know that the majestic Lion King falls to his death, cruelly murdered by his own brother. Still, when watching the movie alongside our own children, we might worry about their reaction to little Simba trying to cuddle with his dead father’s body.

Death is a weirdly ubiquitous feature of kids’ movies. A sweeping study of the top box office films from 1937 to 2014 concluded that violent death was more likely in children’s films than films targeting adults, including thrillers and horror movies. Children’s animated films, “rather than being innocuous alternatives to the gore and carnage typical of American films, are in fact hotbeds of murder and mayhem,” the developmental psychologists in charge of the study reported.

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But those same experts also affirm what we instinctively know: All that death is there for a reason, and with guidance from parents, it can be a positive thing. Foundational work by psychiatrist Irvin Yalom found that children are preoccupied with death from an early age, and also that these thoughts can be both haunting and pervasive. Movies depicting loss can provide a constructive way to explore these common fears.

[Common Sense Media on 'Toy Story 4,' 'When They See Us' and more]

“Movies can be a friendly way of introducing children to some difficult concepts and an age-appropriate way of normalizing an experience they may have already had,” says Kristy Labardee, a marriage and family therapist whose practice includes helping parents strengthen their skills. For example, young viewers can grieve alongside Simba, and realize along with him that his father’s sudden death is not his fault.

That’s not to say that parents should throw caution to the wind. As pressure mounts to broaden the audience base for big-screen releases, some family films are depicting more intense situations.

Children’s movies have evolved from the off-screen shooting of Bambi’s mother to the massacre of mother and siblings that starts “Finding Nemo.” Guy Ritchie, a poster child of ’90s indie bloodshed, helms the recent live-action remake of “Aladdin,” which includes a scene in which Jafar tortures Jasmine’s father. Blockbusters such as “Avengers: Endgame” interweave kid-friendly superhero action with complex adult themes. For parents, it’s not always clear how to help our kids make sense of Captain America leading weepy grief counseling sessions, or Hawkeye watching his entire family vaporize in the instant between his wife asking what condiments their kids want on their hot dogs and their reply.

The switch from animation to live action can also make such scary scenes more harrowing for kids, especially younger children who have more trouble distinguishing between reality and movie scenes.

“Children can’t tolerate fear as well as adults because the area of the brain that calms emotions and puts things into perspective isn’t fully developed until later in life,” says pediatric psychologist Mona Delahooke. “So we must ask ourselves, for whose benefit is the intense content? The adult buying the ticket or the child’s? Watching a movie should be an enriching experience for a child and not a stress-inducing one.” 

So how can parents make good choices about which movies to see? It’s important to look beyond the ratings. Family therapist and parenting author Noha Alshugairi points out that movie ratings do not reflect the values of all families, nor are they decided in consultation with mental health experts. She adds: “It falls onto each family to determine its own guidelines.” 

The experts we consulted all agreed that it is important for parents to do their due diligence about movies’ thematic content using websites such as CommonSenseMedia.org, and via word of mouth.

Part of what can help parents make the call for an individual child, says Labardee, is considering the losses your child has experienced, as well as any individual sensitivities to particular themes. Losses and sensitivities warrant extra caution, especially if the child struggles to manage their emotions or has a hard time reaching out for support.

Tina Payne Bryson, a parenting expert and the co-author of “The Whole-Brain Child,” says: “It’s also important to base our decisions on the child’s developmental stage of emotional maturity, not their cognitive maturity. When kids are really bright and verbal, adults may assume they are ready for more mature content.

“If you’re not sure, err on the side of protecting them from content that you think might be too upsetting, particularly in their younger years."

Once they’ve made to the choice to go to a movie, parents can prepare kids for what they are about to see. Kids generally don’t mind spoilers, as evidenced by their fondness for endlessly re-watching movies. Previewing key story elements can help children better handle challenging themes in the more intense environment of a movie theater. Many studios have websites with trailers and extended clips that you can watch with your children after you check whether they are appropriate. Studios often also publish picture books and novelizations of movies before their release date.

Telling young children that a movie isn’t real can help, but it’s not enough.

“If you think about the times you’re watching a movie, and you clearly know it’s imaginary, the suspense and devastation and intense emotions have a significant impact — our muscles tense, our attention narrows, our hearts beat faster, etcetera,” Bryson says. “This suspension of disbelief and the way in which we enter into the make-believe is what makes movies so compelling and intense. This separation of real and not-real is even more blurry for children. The brain doesn’t process actual threat and virtual threat that differently.”

That physiological experience of threat, even when we know it’s not real, can be overwhelming for some. Alshugairi points out that it’s important not to dismiss those reactions (“But it’s just a movie!”) or overreact (“You poor thing!”). The former can lead to children not expressing their feelings later by giving the message that parents are not comfortable discussing sadness or fear. The latter can teach them to depend on parents to manage their strong emotions for them.

Instead, help children learn to handle their reactions by helping them to identify what they are feeling.

“Ask open-ended questions without judgment, such as ‘Wow, that was quite a movie! What did you think about it?’" Delahooke says. “Or going further, you can share your own reaction: ‘I was a little scared when so-and-so happened in the movie. What about you?’”

Given that you can’t always predict what scenes will be in the movie, or how your child will react to them, it’s good to equip children of all ages with a plan for how to cope if something is too much.

“Setting up a small signal with the child ahead of time — like squeezing their hand twice — may be helpful to remind them that it’s pretend, that they’re safe, and that you’re there with them,” Bryson says.

A sense of control over the moviegoing experience helps children of all ages to be more resilient. “Letting kids know we can turn this off if it’s too much, we can leave the theater, etcetera, is powerful,” says Cynthia Olaya, a school psychologist who works with teens, adding, “feeling trapped is what can lead to trauma.” 

Sharing control can be challenging for parents who may have been raised to do what they were told. Bryson points out it can also pay huge dividends: “What a wonderful skill for a child to learn that if something is making them feel unsafe that they can do something about it and care for themselves.”

Click here to read the article on WashingtonPost.com.

Valpo Life: Building ‘Yes Brains’ at Porter-Starke Services’ 2019 Living, Balance & Hope Symposium

“What we give attention, what we really pay attention to, can change how our brain is firing and wiring," said Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, keynote speaker at Porter-Starke Services’ tenth annual Living, Balance & Hope Symposium.

Held Thursday at Valparaiso University, this year’s symposium focused on engaging children and adolescents in mental health practices. Dr. Bryson works closely with young minds as Founder and Executive Director of The Center For Connection and The Play Strong Institute in Pasadena, California.

She and co-author Dr. Dan Siegel have written extensively about their experiences, most recently in their book, “The Yes Brain,” as well as in two New York Times Bestsellers, “The Whole Brain Child," and "No-Drama Discipline.”

Click below to read more and view photos from the event.

Mattel.com: "Understanding the importance of play with the developing mind"

[This article originally appeared on Mattel.com.]

Years ago, when Dr. Tina Payne Bryson was a graduate student earning her Ph.D. in child-rearing theory, she also happened to be in the trenches as a new mother. At school, she would study the emerging science of the brain and, specifically, how relationships impact our development. Then she’d go home to her young son and recognize, thanks to her research, that the usual phrases we say to our little ones when they are in the throes of a tantrum – “use your words” and “make a good choice” – were useless at an age when the developing brain hasn’t reached a stage of maturity to do that successfully without some help.

“I found that if I could connect with my son and soothe his distress and reactivity, only then could I very quickly move him into a space where his brain was working optimally,” she explains. “That is when he really could choose his words and make good decisions.” She shared her findings with her teacher at the time, Dr. Daniel Siegel, along with parents she was working with in her own clinical practice. Those discoveries led to her bestselling book, “The Whole Brain Child,” co-authored with Dr. Siegel. In it, she describes the simple ways we can use that science to help children succeed with challenges both large and small.

In this Q+A, we catch up with Dr. Payne Bryson and learn more about those effective approaches, which often use play as a powerful tool to forge meaningful connections with our children – and ultimately foster their growth.

Q: In your book, you describe the left and right brain, and what you call the “upstairs” and “downstairs” brain. Why is it important for parents to consider these factors when it comes to understanding a child’s behavior?

A: A lot of the things we expect a kid to do consistently actually take a while to develop. For example, when our emotions run high, the lower part of the brain – where our “big feelings” live – can hijack the abilities of the upstairs brain, or the prefrontal cortex, which is all about regulating emotion, regulating our bodies, making sound decisions, being flexible, and more. As a parent, this knowledge helps you see tantrums in a whole new light. They are a stress response. It takes until our mid-20s to develop this “upstairs” part of the brain that helps us have great coping skills, social and emotional intelligence, and healthy relationships. As parents and educators, we have a really long time in which we can influence the development of that part of the brain.

Q: Empathy for a child is a theme that pervades your thinking. Is playing with a young child a way to plug into that state of empathy? How does that work?

A: Some parts of the brain are like a muscle, and it’s a use-it-or-lose-it kind of thing. So, the more we give kids opportunities to see and feel with the mind of another – empathy, for example, the stronger and more equipped they are to be better at relationships. Building empathy through play happens when, for example, we play a game and imagine what a character might say or feel. Or when you’re watching television or reading books with a child you can say, “Tell me, what do you think her face shows us that she’s thinking right now?” At the same time, it doesn’t have to be so intentional. Kids have a natural drive to play when they interact with objects in the world and with each other, and when they do that, they are building their brain as well.

Q: What are some of the most powerful outcomes that result from play?

 A: When children feel frustration in play or they don’t get their way, they tend to tolerate those negative emotions longer because it’s fun or interesting. Playing with others also helps children learn to tolerate frustration and disappointment. It’s worth it to them to keep going, so it builds resilience. Play develops our capacity to have better self-regulation.

Unfortunately, what we see among modern families is an adversity gap. Many kids have too much adversity in their lives without loving, present adults, but others don’t have enough adversity. Some parents don’t want their kids to experience any negative emotions, but that is not helping them develop the resilience they will need as they mature. The important lesson to learn is that stress and difficulty can be tolerated with enough support – and emotional responsiveness and soothing from an adult can help. So, if a child is frustrated or upset, you can say, “You are so disappointed.” This validates the experience he or she is feeling, calms the child’s nervous system, and shows that you are right there with him while he or she is disappointed. The research shows that this gives the brain practice going from reactiveness to being receptive, at which point they can learn and problem solve.

Playing with peers is so great, because when we are connected with each other, our capacity is higher to endure adversity. The brain is a social organ. There is a drive to have peers feel positively about you, and to be connected with others. If a child plays in ways that alienates others, there is an instinct to work it out because otherwise the child misses out on all of the fun.

Thinking about how someone is thinking and feeling really first starts to happen during play. It is the foundation of empathy and is very powerful.

Q: Sometimes it can be hard for parents to shift gears and stop to play with their children. Any tips on how to navigate this?

 A: The key is being present, even if just a few minutes. Shift your lens and think to yourself: “I am going to learn something about them and be curious about the way that they are playing.” It’s a special time when they are showing us a lot about what they are interested in and how they see the world.

Also, sometimes parents feel a lot of pressure to play in a certain way. You really can simply follow your child’s lead and as the master expert of play. And you are there to support and enjoy.

We can think of play as relationship building, intimacy building, trust building. When our attention is split during play – checking our phones or folding laundry – that is when it can become unsatisfying for our child and for us. But if we really are present, even for a short amount of time, that can fill our kid’s tank and be rewarding for us too.

Washington Post: "A parent’s guide to the mind of a 5-year-old boy"

This is a great and mentioned The Whole-Brain Child which was co-authored by Dan Siegel and Tina Bryson.

Below is a cut and paste from the original article:

Q: My twin boys will turn 5 soon. They're great, bright, normal kids (backed up by their preschool teachers), but in my mind, 5 feels like the transition from toddler to kid, and I'm afraid I'll start expecting too much of them. For example, they aren't especially interested in learning their letters, which I've been figuring they'll come around to when they're ready, but I'm afraid that when they're 5, I will start worrying and push it too much. Can you give me an overview of what to expect from active 5-year-old boys?

A: I have never raised twins, but from what I have heard, you have made it through a pretty tough (but exciting and fun ) couple of years. Two toddlers throwing tantrums , two toddlers whining, two toddlers running in opposite directions, two toddlers giving you sticky kisses and two toddlers to cuddle. And now they are in preschool! Developmental changes are afoot , but I am not sure why you are panicking now. Is it because this feels like “real school”? If that is the reason, I don’t blame you. Schools in the United States are moving toward more rigorous standards in the younger grades, which can result in unreasonable learning expectations .

[I’m a mom of twins. The movie ‘Three Identical Strangers’ changed how I parent them.]

In general terms, 5-year-olds are coming into their own. You may find that your boys are more empathetic and kind to others, but may also accuse others of cheating if they lose a game. Children this age love to play and use their imaginations, but these imaginations can also scare them. You may find that your boys are sharing their newly found opinions often and loudly, and that they cannot be fooled or manipulated into moving on from a subject or place easily. With this stubbornness, you also can get defiance that does not disappear with punishments; instead it worsens. Parents also find that their 5-year-olds enjoy potty humor, and storytelling can be imaginative, funny and (sometimes) boundary-pushing. Five-year-olds love to have real work that means something to the world and the family. And because their attention spans can last a bit longer, they can focus on more complex projects and instructions.

Even though your twins may appear to be mature at times, ­
5-year-olds still have tantrums, resort to violence and call people names. If the school days have been long and their nervous systems are taxed, you will find a 5-year-old regressing into 3-year-old behaviors. This is completely normal.

As for what to expect from active little boys, our culture loves to think that boys and girls are opposite, but their brains are not as different as people imagine. Boys’ brains tend to excel in visual-spatial integration, while girls’ brains excel in reading social cues.

What does this mean for your twin boys? It doesn’t mean that a girl cannot be coordinated and that your boys cannot be highly verbal. Instead, it can show how, if a boy’s brain excels in spatial issues, his body longs to jump, climb and test out the space around him. It also tells parents of boys to do (at least) two things: Let the young boys move frequently, and use emotionally expressive language with them.

Because 5-year-old boys typically love to move, most educators and parents focus on getting them outside and into activities such as soccer and karate. I encourage more movement for all children, especially during school hours. But just because boys’ brains quickly assess spatial relations doesn’t mean they don’t have a need for us to model and use productive emotional language with them. Parents can use phrases such as, “I felt really frustrated that I got stuck in traffic today, and because of that, everything got tough at work. I was angry about it for a little while, but I took a walk and cooled down,” or, “You’re sad that we ran out of cookies; I am, too. It really stinks, doesn’t it?” This has a huge impact on all children, especially boys. Even the simplest show of emotions can help a 5-year-old express and regulate his feelings.

Remember, development is not a steady climb uphill; it comes in fits and starts. For instance, one of your boys may begin eating like a horse, napping again or acting more agitated, and you may think, “Wow, Ralph is getting sick,” or, “Ralph is really being out of control.” But what is actually happening is that he is in a growth spurt. Like being in the eye of the storm, you cannot see the whirlwind around you until you are out of it — or in this case, until you go to your pediatrician and the doctor says, “Ralph grew three inches!” It’s not easy having two boys around the same age with their own developmental road maps. So be kind to yourself. Practice asking, “What is this behavior really about?” when you find yourself stumped.

Finally, don’t forget the power of connecting to each child as an individual. Maybe it is roughhousing, maybe it is cuddles, maybe it is foot rubs, maybe it is walking around the block, or maybe it is reading together. Just be prepared to continuously reach out to both children with love, especially when they are moody.

For books, I would begin with “The Whole Brain Child” by Dan Siegel and Tina Bryson. I find their explanation of the child’s brain and how it relates to their behavior to be clear, nonjudgmental and science-based.

Good luck.

San Antonio Express News: How to keep a child in the ‘green zone’ and avoid the ‘red zone’

This article first appeared in the San Antonio Express News and features an interview with Dr. Tina Payne Bryson. In it, she talks about The Yes Brain and methods for keeping your child in the “green zone” — which Dr. Bryson explains as “…a neurological state or way of being that is receptive and flexible and open to new information. It’s learning to see obstacles as challenges and taking chances to explore. It’s children learning over time to regulate their emotions to become balanced and resilient. Eventually, the brain wires itself that way and children become adults who approach the world in this manner.”

Below is an excerpt of the interview:

Question: What is the “yes” brain in kids?

Answer: One thing it’s not about is being permissive or saying yes to everything. It’s a neurological state or way of being that is receptive and flexible and open to new information. It’s learning to see obstacles as challenges and taking chances to explore. It’s children learning over time to regulate their emotions to become balanced and resilient. Eventually, the brain wires itself that way and children become adults who approach the world in this manner.

Q: So, what’s a “no” brain?

A: It’s a brain that’s reactive and shut down, rigid and stuck in negative emotions. We’re talking about the flight-or-fight-or-freeze response, when children are feeling anxious and reactive and on guard. Again, if children are in this state repeatedly over time, that’s how their brains get wired.

Q: What’s the difference between the “green zone” and the “red zone?”

A: Kids are in the green zone when their nervous system is telling them they’re safe and things are OK. They’re relaxed and their brains are in a receptive state. In contrast, in the red zone, where the nervous system is highly activated — sweating, heart beating faster and so on — the brain becomes reactive. That’s where you often see acting out, defiant and aggressive behaviors. A child can also shut down, becoming withdrawn. The brain is still reactive, not balanced and resilient and flexible.

Q: How do parenting practices based on empathy and connection work with these brain states?

A: The whole purpose of discipline is to teach and build skills, so kids learn self-discipline as they grow up. It’s not at all about punishment. But much of what we do in the name of discipline is yelling at kids and punishing them, which is actually counterproductive, because it pushes kids into the red zone and out of the green zone, where their brains are receptive to build new skills. Empathy and connection are how you move them back into the green zone.

Q: But how do you do that with a child in a meltdown?

A: You respond with soothing. You say, ‘I can see you’re angry right now. I’m right here with you and I will listen.’ When we respond with connection and empathy, it changes a child’s neurophysiology and their whole nervous system. A child moves from a threatened, reactive brain to a more receptive learning state. Over time, even when they’re experiencing big, intense emotional reactions, their brains get wired where they able to soothe themselves. They develop the capacity to self-regulate.

Q: But aren’t you talking about spoiling kids?

A: We don’t have to worry about spoiling our kids when it comes to connection and empathy. Where spoiling comes in is when we’re permissive with our boundaries. You still have high expectations and firm boundaries when you practice empathy.

Here’s an example: Say your child doesn’t want to get out of the bathtub. He’s yelling and misbehaving. You say, ‘I’m going to lift you gently out and it’s OK for you to cry and be upset, to feel your feelings. I’m right here with you.’ He’s still getting out of the tub, but you’re giving him a safe place for him to express his feelings. You want to convey to your children that, at their worst, they can’t lose your love. That’s not the same as saying all behaviors are OK. We’re saying all feelings are OK, but you can’t hurt other people.

Q: What’s so wrong with punishment?

A: Especially when children are young and their brains are immature, research shows punishment is counterproductive. When a child is punished, they focus their attention on how mean we are and how they’re a victim. Instead, use empathy and after they’ve been soothed, you have a reflective dialogue. What can you do different the next time? It gives the child moreaccountability, not less. You’re teaching skills and increasing their capacity, whereas punishment just teaches them to be angry.

As a parent, you have to practice behaviors yourself to stay in the green zone, so you can model that behavior and respond appropriately, as opposed to yelling, getting angry, issuing random punishments. All that behavior does is make it more likely our kids move out of the green zone. Sit in a relaxed posture. When you talk to your child, get beneath their eye level. This is not submissive: It communicates there is no threat. ‘I’m here to help you.’ Then say something empathetic; ‘Buddy, I feel bad you’re so angry right now.’

Q: Why is all this so important?

A: Building empathy and resilience in our children is foundational for their mental and emotional health and even their academic success. These sort of skills are essential for the next generation of parents, teachers, politicians. We need to be intentional about building these skills, and what’s lovely is that we can do it in just our daily interactions with our kids.

For more information about the luncheon, visit www.thedoseum.org

Melissa Fletcher Stoeltje is a staff writer in the San Antonio and Bexar County area. Read her on our free site, mySA.com, and on our subscriber site, ExpressNews.com. | mstoeltje@express-news.net | Twitter: @mstoeltje