0
items
$0
In this five-part series, Dr. Tina Payne Bryson shares her go-to tips to help ease kids' anxiety about school.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Viewing entries by
Tina Payne Bryson, PhD
Mistake Mondays is a short series I recorded across several Mondays. In each video, I talk about discipline mistakes we make regularly as parents and what we can do instead.
These ideas come from my book NO-DRAMA DISCIPLINE, co-written with Dr. Dan Siegel. (Click here to get your copy: https://amzn.to/36tadkN)
Watch the full series of videos on my YouTube channel. (Click here to find the playlist.)
0 Likes
[This article was originally posted in 2007.]
“My young son was screaming for 45 minutes and I didn’t know how to comfort him. I finally screamed back, ‘Sometimes I hate you!’”
“My son was two and scratched his baby brother’s face so hard that he left marks. I spanked his bottom, like five hard swats. Then I left the room, walked down the hall, turned back around and spanked him probably five more swats again. I screamed at him so loud, I terrified him.”
“After I had told my daughter to watch out for her little brother running in front of the swing, she almost swung right into him. I was so mad that even in front of other people at the park I said to her, ‘What’s wrong with you, are you stupid?!’”
These are some pretty awful parenting moments, aren’t they? These “lash-out moments” are times when we’re so out of control that we say or do something we’d never let anyone else say or do to our child.
But, actually, the confessions above come from good parents whom I know personally. Like the rest of us, they lose it from time to time and say and do things they wish they hadn’t.
Can you add your own lash-out moment to the list above? Of course you can: you’re a parent, and you’re human.
And I can add one of my own. It’s a story I often tell when I’m giving one of my talks on parenting and the brain. It’s a long (and in retrospect, hilarious) story that ends with a horrible moment when my 4-year-old sticks out his tongue at me and I very maturely respond by yelling, “If you stick that tongue out one more time, I’ll rip it out of your mouth!”
As I tell this story, the parents in the audience are locked in on me, eyes wide, leaning forward, smiling and listening to every word, like I’m telling a dirty secret. They laugh throughout the story, partially identifying, partially relieved they aren’t the only ones, and loving hearing that “a parenting expert” loses her mind to the point where she threatens to physically remove one of her child’s body parts.
We all lose it from time to time. We say mean things, we yell, we may even pull our child’s arm too firmly. As I’ll discuss in an upcoming post, there’s something happening in our brains that explains these “lash-out” moments. And in another post, I’ll explain why it’s so important that we quickly reconnect with our children and repair whatever emotional and relational damage has been done.
But for now, I want to focus on why we don’t talk about moments like these with other parents. Why is it that when it comes to our lash-out moments with our kids, we all remain silent? Is it really such a shocking epiphany that all parents occasionally lose control of their emotions and their better judgment?
In the spirit of confession, let me admit to you that one of my guilty pleasures has been watching the television program Desperate Housewives. In one episode, a mother melts down, and her friends, who are also mothers, find her crying on a soccer field. Her guard down, she tells them about her failures as a mother, and in response, her friends begin to share their own parenting blunders and shortcomings. She then looks at them through tears and asks, “Why didn’t you ever tell me this?”
And that’s my question for all of us: Why do we keep our ugly parenting moments secret, even with the people closest to us? Do we feel ashamed? Do we feel like we’re the only ones who “go postal” from time to time? Do we think these episodes mean we are bad parents?
We freely share with one another many of the struggles we experience with our kids—she won’t eat anything besides waffles, he freaked out at swimming lessons, she clobbered someone at the park today. Sharing these struggles helps us feel normal as parents, and helps us feel like our kids are normal.
But what about our own struggles in our role as parents?
I am convinced that we pay a price when we choose to keep silent, rather than honestly sharing our own stories about times when we get furious with our kids and throw our own fits. Sharing our worst moments allows us to comfort one another, to laugh about how crazy our kids are and how crazy we are right back, and then to look at our behavior with some insight so we can make better choices the next time.
Soon after it happened, I reluctantly told one of my friends about my “rip your tongue out” episode, and she responded by saying, “Oh, that’s nothing! One time I . . . .” My guilt evaporated. We laughed. We purged our secret parenting shame with more stories. Her vulnerable, empathetic, and understanding response made me feel normal and less alone.
So from that moment, I began watching for opportunities to share some of my “mean Mommy” moments—and I continue to get this type of response from friends who seem to be thirsting for a chance to confess and to be assured that they aren’t terrible parents. Whenever I’m willing to confess first, the floodgates fly open. I always love it when one of my friends now starts a conversation with “Listen to this one….” (And don’t say you wouldn’t be interested in a story that begins like that!)
Before I close, let me stress that there are two things that I’m not saying here. First, I’m not saying that there’s nothing wrong with losing control. In fact, when we lose control, it stresses our kids and usually further amplifies their distress. We want to be a haven in their storm, not the cause of it. But here, I’m simply saying that we all mess up to some degree, and that we’ll all benefit greatly if we share with each other those stories.
And second, I’m not talking about abuse. If you find yourself frequently losing control, or losing control in such a way that you are in danger of actually harming your child, I want to strongly encourage you to seek professional help, for your and your child’s sake.
But if you’re a loving, caring parent who, like the rest of us, occasionally screws up, then why not give it a shot? ‘Fess up to your friends. Maybe you’ll even be a bit less horrified the next time your kid freely shares with the teenager behind the counter at Baskin Robbins, “Mama said she was gonna rip out my tongue.”
It’s time for my son to fly south for the winter.
My eldest son leaves for college tomorrow. Moving from California to Texas. During the days, I’ve been enjoying time with him, purging and packing his room, buying and preparing for the dorm, and spending time with him. We are having so many great moments together, like last week when we went to the beach to stop at a surf shop that has been a family favorite for three generations, and to eat at our favorite hole in the wall. During the evening, most nights we eat dinner as a family, like tonight when we grilled and swam together, and he then leaves to be with his friends for many “last night to hang out with . . . “ as his friends peel off to their various colleges. During the day and the evening, I’m happy.
I have moments of emotion that come softly, and occasionally I’ll have the “big feels” as my therapist friend calls them. These moments are expected, but they still surprise me, like the time at our corner breakfast burrito place that we eat at way more often than is dignified, when my husband and two younger sons and I were sitting in a booth for four (unusual, since we are usually 5 and we don’t fit) and Ben wasn’t with us. I began to ask our two younger boys about spring break next year. As the words “Ben won’t be with us for spring break, so it will just be the four of us . . .” came out of my mouth, I began to cry, and then sob, with what felt like projectile tears in this booth in this restaurant. (And you have to know that I am a rare crier, so this was a moment.) It surprised me that I felt it so much. And the feeling was sadness, grief even.
But typically, aside from occasional moments where these “feels” well up and surprise me, during the day and evening, I’m happy and good and excited for him and so at peace. I’m thoughtful not to make this about us and how much we will miss him, but about him and how he’s ready for this so that he can fly away without the weight of having to hold our sadness. He’s an amazing kid who is strong, resilient, can solve problems, and is pretty good at taking care of himself. He’s chosen a school that is a great fit for him and it’s where my husband and I went to school so we have many friends and family that he knows nearby. We’ve taught him how to do most things he will need to know to live independently. He’s spent 9 summers at sleepaway camp for 4-7 weeks, where he’s gone for weeks into the wilderness and handling the challenges nature throws at him (including bears!) He can handle this.
But what happens at night is not always so peaceful for me. For a few nights last week, I woke up several times with my brain in overdrive thinking of all the things I need to tell him, and make sure he knows, so he can take care of himself in all the big and little ways we still help take care of him. I wake up with tension in my jaw and I wake up anxious. I’m curious about the anxiety and chaos, and remember that the last time I felt anxious like this was following the unexpected death of my father and something about this feels familiar, though under such different circumstances. Now, I wake up anxious and buzzing with a million insignificant things he “needs to know”, (although a couple of them are significant—like making sure he knows not to run a car in an enclosed space!). When I wake up and listen to what is inside of me and I assure myself that he can learn or figure out anything he needs to know just like I did (asking other people, calling parents, learning by doing and making mistakes) and now, in addition, via text and YouTube (which is great for learning how to get stains out, but why kid myself, he won’t be doing stain removal). The anxiety softens and quiets and I know my kid has got this. (And, I will be making lists of all things I want to make sure he knows. Does he know to tip generously? Does he know you can’t leave clothes in the washer for hours before you put them in the dryer? Does he know to eat the BRAT—bananas, rice, applesauce, toast—diet instead of spicy Tex-Mex when he’s dealing with GI issues?)
I know I will get to keep parenting him and teaching him things. And then what is left when I can clear the distraction of the “what else do I need to do and what if he doesn’t know . . . “ anxiety buzzing, is just that I’m going to miss him. That I know that this is an end of an era. That the dinner table won’t be the same without his humor and with his spot at the table empty. That tonight will be the last night all five of us sleep under our roof when he lived at home. Future nights of us all sleeping here will be when he’s visiting. What is left is grief. Good grief.
How wonderful that we’ve had the gift of him in our everyday lives for 18 years and that we enjoy him so much that he is going to be missed so much. I’ve told him that he will likely feel a bit lonely and down and nervous and lost because he is leaving all he has known to do something totally new, and that he will really miss his close friends, and our dog, and us, and that this is normal and healthy. And now I am telling myself this too. About me feeling it. So, I feel it. Allow myself to feel it. Almost, almost, even welcome it and befriend it. I sit with it, and as I do, I am flooded with gratitude to have gotten to parent this boy and that we get to be part of his journey. I’m even grateful for the sadness because I love this boy so much and when I say yes to the sadness, the anxiety falls away and then I can move to gratitude and then to enjoyment of these last days, and then to full joy and excitement for him about what is to come. Especially when I can tell myself that my California boy is just flying south for the winter and he’ll be back.
All of us--kids, parents, teachers, everyone--are holding a heavy load right now, unsure what to anticipate as children go back to school this year. I get a lot of questions about how we “catch kids up” as they return.
My answer is very simple: Prioritize making them feel safe.
Because here’s the thing. They are where they are, developmentally. They are where they are, each of them as individuals: academically, socially, and emotionally. And it's the same in terms of their mental health, stress tolerance, and more. There will be a huge range in what we see as kids return to classrooms. We need to start by meeting them where they are. And guess where that starts: with safe, connected relationships.
Time invested in helping kids feel safe and grounded will pay off, leading them to be able to learn more this year than if we just focus on cramming academics. We learn best when we feel safe and connected. High pressure mixed with high stress backfires, making it less likely kids will learn.
Remember that the brain makes associations from our experiences. Think about the interactions you have with your kids around school-related things. This year, work on providing experiences that help your child find enjoyment in learning, feeling positive about school, falling in love with ideas, and lead your child to know that you care more about them than their performance.
Yes, we want to challenge our children and encourage them to stretch--that's important--but we want to be careful not to be bathing them in stress day after day. And we want to be intentional about the associations they're creating about who they are as learners and students. (By the way, if your child is really struggling in school and hates all of it, talk to your child’s teacher and consider reaching out for some insight to chase the why! It can be very helpful to ensure there isn’t an underlying learning challenge.)
Teachers are given a very challenging task of taking kids where they are and getting them to the same academic milestones as usual. This should not lead us to create a frenzied, high-pressure, intense demand for academics. It should lead us to taking the time to set kids up to be in the optimal state to learn the most. That means we start with helping them feel safe, happy, and connected. Protect play. Protect sleep. Emphasize connection. That’s when they’ll learn most.
by Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.
I got an email from a mom who was worried about a problem that's common among parents of young children. Here's what she wrote:
"My almost five-year-old son is starting to lie. I’m worried that this is starting a terrible pattern, and I don’t know how to handle the situation. I’m just really upset because I’ve always stressed how important it is to tell the truth."
Here are my suggestions for dealing with the subject of lying and young children.
Keep Perspective
First, take a deep breath. At this stage, there isn’t anything to be overly worried about. You know the old joke about how to tell when a politician is lying (his or her lips are moving)? Well, that's not the case with young children, but most do tell fibs at this age. It's perfectly normal.
See it as Good News
In fact, lying is developmentally normal—a promising sign that your child’s conscience and moral code are intact and budding. Ask yourself why your child is lying in a particular instance. More often than not, it’s because he’s already done something he knows isn’t right. So, his lie—intended to cover up his misdeed or evade your disapproval—begins with a moral intuition. I’m not saying that you should praise him for lying, of course; but recognize it for what it is—and try to build on that.
Fibbing Is Not Destiny
Right now, you may think that you’ve spawned the biggest little liar on the planet. You can hardly look at her anymore without envisioning her in prison garb. But this is a normal and common developmental phase, not her future destiny. Development dictates that children go through this stage, but it's a temporary state, not a permanent trait.
Be Willing to Press the Re-Set button
One of the best suggestions in terms of your response at this age is to avoid accusations, providing your child an out to save face. In other words, a child might lie defensively if she feels "put on the spot." So when she starts to lie, gently stop her and say, “Let’s take a pause. It’s really important to me that you tell the truth. I'm going to give you a minute to think about what happened again to make sure you have all the details right. That way you can tell me the truth so we can keep trusting each other.” If she persists, tell her you really want to listen, but perhaps it’s best to wait to tell the story when she’s feeling ready to tell the truth. Make sure you come back to it to give her the chance. Then, really affirm the courage, explaining that when she tells you the truth she makes your trust stronger.
Use Stories to Make Your Point
In discussing truth and lies with my three-year-old, I’ve found that The Boy Who Cried Wolf has been very effective with him. Of course, no story makes a bigger impression on your child than your own: tell him about a time you lied as a child and what happened. Be sure to talk about what you remember about that feeling inside when you know you haven’t been honest. Also, playing out some imaginary scenarios with your child may help draw out the fallout of dishonesty: what would happen if I told you I would take you to dinner tonight but then didn't? How would you feel about that? Would you still be able to trust me the next time I promised?
Talk About Trust
When I know my sons are lying, I don’t say, “I don’t believe you.” Instead, I say, “It’s really important that you tell me what really happened, so I can believe you when you tell me things.” Once my boys got to be about six, I was able to use an analogy about a glass full of my trust in their words. When they lie, some of the trust evaporates. With the glass emptier, it’s harder to trust. But when they tell me the truth—especially when it’s hard to—the glass fills up and I can trust them more. And as they’ve gotten into later childhood and early adolescence, we’re now talking about the relationship between trust and freedom. With less trust, there is less freedom, and with more trust, there is more.
Use Your Powers of Granting Immunity
One time when my son, Luke, was four or five, I suspected he was trying to lie. When I asked him to step back, think about it, and tell it again, he said, “I don’t want to tell you.” I told him that was honest and I appreciated it. We talked about how he was feeling and what his worry was in telling the truth--“It’s hard and scary sometimes to tell about something that you think will make someone else upset. I understand that.”—and then I granted him full immunity in telling the truth: “It’s very important to me that you tell me the truth. Whatever you tell me, I won’t be mad at you. We’ll just talk about it.” He told me the truth. And when I gushed about how great it was that he told the truth, even though it was hard, he felt proud (which reinforced honesty).
Focus on What Matters
Usually, when my kids lie, I make a very little deal about the actual behavior they’re trying to cover up, while making a bigger deal about lying. (This has changed some, by the way, as my oldest has grown towards adolescence.) I want you to tell me anything, I will say to them, honesty is so important. Often, just talking about that is enough of a lesson. Speaking the truth is just an expected part of the family code, reinforced frequently: “In our family, we tell the truth.”
This video is from a parenting series Dr. Dan Siegel and I taught at 1440 Multiversity. We spent three days teaching parents and professionals the key concepts from our book THE POWER OF SHOWING UP. Our presentations that weekend were recorded, and now they’re available to you in a ten-hour video full of support, strategies, discussions, and hands-on exercises.
Here are a few take-aways you can expect:
* Explore what it means to truly “show up” in parenting and in life
* Make sense of your own parenting history
* Learn about attachment patterns
* Enhance your relationships with your child, your partner, and even with yourself If that sounds like something you'd be interested in, click the button above to learn more and stream now.
Here’s a video I recorded for all the parents of high school seniors out there. Because now is the time to ask ourselves, “What skills does my kid need between now and the day they start college?” Do they know how to make their own doctor’s appointments? Do they know how to refill a prescription? Do they know where their insurance card is? Do they know how to maintain their car if they have one? Do they know how to do laundry, including treating stains? Start observing with your kid, and notice the things that they keep asking help for. And what things are you still doing for them? What skills does that then lead us to think about having them work on? It may be time for you to step back a little bit so they can step up and start offering tutelage on those things now.
In this video, I share what the science tells us about what we should do when our kids are going through something really difficult. That in times of good, but especially in times of bad, what your kids need most from you in order to be resilient and in order to weather difficulty, is you.
Imperfect you.
Flawed you.
Sometimes falling apart you.
We have so much power by just being in relationship with our kids and this is what Dr. Dan Siegel and I call "showing up". By offering our parental presence and helping our kids feel safe, seen, and soothed, we develop this thing called secure attachment--which is one of the best predictors for how well they turn out. Watch the video to hear more and I hope it helps.
In this video, I talk about my upcoming book, The Bottom Line for Baby—why I wrote it and what it’s all about. It’s the book I’ve wanted to write ever since I had my first child and I can’t wait to share it with you. The book addresses over 60 topics that parents get a lot of confusing and contradictory information about (such as co-sleeping, pacifier use, extended breastfeeding, etc.). The book is alphabetized, and each topic is organized for harried new parents in a quick-read format with three main sections:
Competing Opinions: the main perspectives/arguments about that topic. For example, you might hear one thing from your mother-in-law, and something very different from your friend at the gym.
What the Science Says: a short summary of the most recent scientific literature about the subject.
The Bottom Line: the “here’s what it all comes down to” message. Sometimes this will be that the science is clear on the topic; other times the bottom line might be that the science isn’t well established yet, so parents should trust their instincts and follow their baby’s lead. Then Dr. Bryson covers some factors to consider as parents decide what’s best for their family.
Many of the topics conclude with “A Personal Note,” where I share stories about my own or someone else’s parenting struggle related to that topic, or discuss funny memories from when I had my newborns.
As I explain in this video, my goal in creating the book was to help new parents become more informed as they make decisions for their kids. More importantly, it will help parents feel more empowered to trust themselves and their babies, and stop being so hard on themselves. A repeated message throughout is that once caregivers have gathered the latest information, they can just listen to their instincts and then trust that they’re doing a great job simply by being intentional—even when they mess up.
This video is for all the parents out there who are preparing to send their kids back to college in a pandemic. Fears and anxieties may be coming up, especially if this is your child's first year away, so here are a few strategies to help you think through this transition and to mange those worries. I hope it helps and good luck. I'm thinking about all of you and we're going to get through this together.
![[Video] Helping Kids with Anxiety About School](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/570a82c74d088e29f6f59598/1596737604414-6EAWVCML4X1E7VEBNWZ0/image-asset.jpeg)
In this video, Dr. Tina Payne Bryson talks about how parents can help kids who might be experiencing anxiety about school.
Dr. Bryson is the co-author (with Dan Siegel) of two New York Times Best Sellers—The Whole-Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline—each of which has been translated into dozens of languages, as well as The Yes Brain and The Power of Showing Up and the forthcoming Bottom Line for Baby. She is the Founder and Executive Director of The Center for Connection, a multidisciplinary clinical practice in Southern California. Dr. Bryson keynotes conferences and conducts workshops for parents, educators, and clinicians all over the world, and she frequently consults with schools, businesses, and other organizations. An LCSW, Tina is a graduate of Baylor University with a Ph.D. from USC. The most important part of her bio, she says, is that she’s a mom to her three boys. You can learn more about Dr. Bryson at TinaBryson.com.
Welcome to Baby in the House, the podcast where pediatrician, Phil Boucher, M.D., and I tackle all those tough parenting questions where everyone's got an opinion, from grandparents, to neighbors, to that nosy lady behind you at the line in the grocery. Where we examine the research, sharing our experiences and those of the families we care for.
We give you the clarity and confidence you need to make the right choices for your baby and family. Without guilt, confusion, or analysis paralysis.
Many in our community are just waking up to the reality of the systemic racism that prevails in our nation. Others have been painfully aware of its existence throughout their lives. I know that I’ve been changed by the events of the last few weeks, and I’m working hard to listen and grow as I more fully understand the challenges people of color face on a daily basis. In my personal and professional life, I’m examining who I am, and how I can more effectively support Black people and other minorities and confront prejudice. As we seek for meaningful ways to respond and enact change, one of the best steps we can take is to continue to educate ourselves.
And we want to find ways to talk to our children as well. For some of us, this won't be our first experience of talking with our kids about prejudice. For others, it might be the first time we’re addressing the uncomfortable topics of race and privilege. I know these conversations won’t always be easy, but they’re so important.
You’ll find below a few starting places we can all use to more fully inform ourselves and talk to our kids about race and how to fight racism. These sources can give you some tools to help your kids understand how to recognize and combat various forms of prejudice, know what to do when they see it, talk about the images and headlines they might be seeing on the news and social media, and foster self-love and promote a healthy cultural identity.
NY Times article on books to help parents explain racism and the current protests.
![[Video] Don't Worry: Your Kid Will Catch Up](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/570a82c74d088e29f6f59598/1588880383621-7XL9WEBIK7W5CJ22F5YL/image-asset.jpeg)
Hear from Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, co-author (with Dan Siegel) of two NYT Best Sellers—The Whole-Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline—each of which has been translated into dozens of languages, as well as The Yes Brain and The Power of Showing Up and the forthcoming Bottom Line for Baby.
In this video, Dr. Bryson offers soothing words to parents—namely, your kids will catch up!
![[Video] Managing Expectations for Ourselves and for Our Kids](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/570a82c74d088e29f6f59598/1588879919392-6CFN17E9K3S3TDLWDQIT/image-asset.jpeg)
Hear from Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, co-author (with Dan Siegel) of two NYT Best Sellers—The Whole-Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline—each of which has been translated into dozens of languages, as well as The Yes Brain and The Power of Showing Up and the forthcoming Bottom Line for Baby.
In this video, she speaks about the importance of managing our expectations, not just for our kids but for ourselves too.
![[Video] During the Pandemic: Focus on Connection](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/570a82c74d088e29f6f59598/1588879416326-H93GAOWJQ3I7A52C2592/image-asset.jpeg)
Hear from Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, co-author (with Dan Siegel) of two NYT Best Sellers—The Whole-Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline—each of which has been translated into dozens of languages, as well as The Yes Brain and The Power of Showing Up and the forthcoming Bottom Line for Baby.
In this video, she speaks about the importance of focusing on connection during the coronavirus pandemic.
By Adrienne Hollingsworth, AMFT, with Tina Payne Bryson, LCSW, PhD
Haga clic aquí para la versión en español.
Keep the following in mind when talking with children:
1) Keep it simple and be honest.
Children are often savvy enough to know if adults aren't being honest (they can sense our hesitation and anxiety) and they can get overwhelmed with lengthy explanations.
We know the Coronavirus is similar to a cold, so our approach to prevention is the same; frequent hand washing with warm soapy water for at least 20 seconds (especially after using the bathroom and playing outside and before eating), keeping your hands away from your face as much as possible, and coughing or sneezing into a tissue or into their elbow instead of their hands.
It's anticipated that only a small percentage of people would require hospitalization and the news highlights those people. The majority will be okay.
2) Validate any concerns or feelings.
We want the students to feel the "4 S's"; Safe, Seen, Soothed, and Secure. We do that by active listening, helping them to label their feelings, supporting them in asking the questions they need to ask, and validating whatever it is they are experiencing. When they feel seen and heard, they are more likely to have a sense of safety and security.
3) Allow them the space to talk further.
For any kid who appears to need to talk about these concerns or ideas further, let them know they can always ask more questions or re-open the conversation. The "Name It to Tame It" approach helps the child to calm the emotional right brain by talking about their concerns and telling their story using left-brain words and logic.
If your child is upset and shares that he is anxious and worried that he might get sick with the virus and miss school and will get behind on his work, it’s important that your child’s experience of sharing that with you is a positive one, so that they know that coming to you and talking to you us is a good thing!
Try to avoid a "dismiss and deny" response that shows your child you’re not that interested in their feelings about it, or that you’re not able to handle their big feelings.
That might like sound like:
"There's no need to cry. You're perfectly healthy now. Just make sure to wash your hands and not pick your nose and you'll be fine. You won’t need to miss school. Let’s talk about something less depressing." In that scenario, the child may not feel truly seen and heard. His perception is his reality and he's scared.
Name It to Tame It might look like getting down on eye level with the child and might sound like:
"I can see you're worried about this. I hear you. Some people are feeling worried about this. I'm right here with you, and we can talk about ways you can feel safer. Maybe you can think about your worry as your brain helping you keep yourself safer by being more careful about keeping our bodies healthy. I’m wondering if you are remembering that you were out sick a couple of days in December. What happened then when you returned to school?"
"I was super worried, but my teacher made time to meet with me and she helped me with a plan of how to finish the work I missed. She told me it would be okay and she had confidence in me. And she emailed you about the plan, too."
"So the last time you missed school, your teacher helped you through it and she told us about how they could help you too. It sounds like they took care of you. Did that help you feel better?
"Yes. My teacher was very nice and helpful."
"I'm so glad to hear that. There are a lot of people who care about you and will help you again just like they did before if you need to miss school. I know keeping on top of your schoolwork is very important to you. We'll make sure to take care of you if that happens. AND we can do lots of things to keep our family healthy."
In that scenario, the child was able to tell his story (left brain logic, order, and words) associated with previous feelings (right brain), while at the same time being heard, seen, and reassured by the adult.
Short version:
Don't: "Suck it up and deal, Kid".
Do: "I'm here, I'm listening. We'll get through this together."
4) Manage your own big feelings.
Adults really do set the emotional tone for our children. As mammals, our brains are held captive to one another. Our chaos or calm are contagious, especially to those we spend the most time with. If you’re panicked, chaotic internally, and obsessive about the news, you will dial up your child’s anxiety and they will focus on what they can’t control. If you are informed, calm internally, and share bits of information about what we cancontrol, you will dial down your child’s anxiety. You can say something like “It’s great news that the doctors know how this virus gets spread. That means we know some things we can do to be healthy. What do you think we need to do be healthy?” This can also lead to a great conversation about food, sleep, hygiene, etc. If your own anxiety is feeling more chaotic and dialed up than you would like and you’re having a hard time regulating it, try walking in nature (No earbuds! Just listen to the world and get a break from stimulation!), exercise, having lunch with a friend, mindfulness, and if needed, seek out a mental health professional who can help you with your own emotional waves.
The following is a Q&A featuring Daniel J. Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson on Parenting: How to Show Up Predictably (Not Perfectly)
Together, Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., have co-authored three other parenting books: The Whole-Brain Child; No-Drama Discipline; and The Yes Brain. With their latest book, The Power of Showing Up (Ballantine Books, $27), they combine scientific research with no-nonsense guidance to reassure readers that "There's no such thing as flawless child-rearing" and that ideal parenting--creating secure attachment relationships--can be as simple as applying the "Four S's": making a child feel Safe, Seen, Soothed and Secure.
How does The Power of Showing Up vary from your previous titles, and what makes it such a good introduction to the other three?
Daniel J. Siegel: The reason we wrote this new book was to offer parents a solid foundation in the art and science of attachment--the ways in which research across cultures reveals the foundations of a parent-child relationship that leads to a child flourishing. It's a fun and grounding book that can serve as the framework for our other works as well.
Tina Payne Bryson: The first three books emphasize many powerful and effective ways caregivers can provide experiences and opportunities, things we can do or teach, to build kids' brains and minds, allowing them to thrive. The Power of Showing Up is also about experiences that build their brains and minds, allowing them to thrive, but it's focused on relational experiences--how we can be as parents, on the quality of our presence, and our relationship with them. It focuses on the one thing our kids need most from us--that we show up--and this book walks with parents to explore how to do that.
As the mother of a young toddler, I can certainly speak to the never-ending list of concerns about raising children the "right" way. What is it about the experience of parenting and how we care for our children that makes it such a universally recognizable and sympathetic one?
Siegel: Attachment is how our young become shaped by what we do as parents. Because of this innate human legacy, the universal experiences of parenting involve deeply embedded neural circuits of connection which in turn make it possible to deeply see our kids, have them feel soothed, keep them safe and build the security they need. There is no such thing as "perfect parenting" and so what we try to offer are science-based strategies that are both practical and reflective of the reality that no one ever "gets it right all the time" and that repair is possible so long as we are aware and intentional about it. In fact, it is this kindness toward ourselves that can mobilize our capacity to make a repair more readily. These mismatch-repair-realignment sequences are not only inevitable, but they are what builds resilience in our kids and in our selves.
Bryson: As a mom to three, and as a therapist who has listened to many parents, I agree that, at least in our culture, there's a fairly universal experience of fearing we're "not enough" or that we're messing them up, and then that's compounded by the fear and anxiety that come with trying to do it "right." Simply, I think we feel these things because we care so darn much and we want to do right by our children. We know our parents failed us in certain ways, and we want desperately to be the best parents we can be.
One of the reasons I love attachment science is that the research indicates that there is quite a bit of room for parents to be flawed and that we can make a lot of mistakes, but as long as we help our kids feel safe, seen and soothed most of the time, their brains wire to securely know that if they have a need we will see it and show up for them. And when we do that predictably (not perfectly), they learn how to find friends and mates who will show up for them (they come to expect it!), and they learn how to show up for themselves.
Parenting styles and popular methods seem to change with each generation, and many parents worry about too much sensitivity resulting in kids who are "soft" or spoiled. How do you respond to caregivers who worry about spoiling their children or giving them unreasonable expectations of the world?
Siegel: Attuning to our kids involves being able to sense their inner life and respond with compassion and care. The research is quite clear, however, that such attuned connections--coupled with repair of ruptures--builds resilience, not weakness as some may be understandably concerned it might. What we can say to parents is that when a child is seen, safe, soothed and secure, they know themselves well--they don't expect the whole world will be that way for them. This inner knowing, then, has built the capacity to have mutually rewarding relationships, the emotional awareness and equilibrium to take on challenges, have the patience and persistence to move through them and to have a "growth mindset" knowing that the effort they put into something can determine the outcome of their pursuits. That's the stuff of strength, not weakness or being spoiled.
Bryson: The two most heavily researched topics in the childrearing literature are 1) limits/boundaries (also referred to as demand/control) and 2) emotional responsiveness (also referred to as warmth/nurture). Many parents don't know that parenting in sensitive, emotionally responsive, warm and nurturing ways can and should go hand in hand with setting clear, predictable limits and boundaries. We can tune into our child's internal experience and communicate connection and empathy while holding a limit or boundary.
The bottom line is that if you want to raise a kid who is hearty and tough, you should soothe them any chance you get. When you do that, it gives their brain practice going from a reactive state into a regulated state so they can do that for themselves and can handle the hard things that life will inevitably bring. The research doesn't show that kids can get spoiled or become fragile from too much attention or love or affection or nurturing. The research shows that where kids can get "spoiled" is when there are not rules and boundaries that are enforced and they don't get practice respecting limits.
How has technology and the seeming increase in screen time and device usage affected modern-day parenting and relationships?
Siegel: The challenge for all of us is to maintain our face-to-face time of connection and communication. With so many distractions in this digital, mobile age, if we lose these important sources of belonging and understanding in relationships, the art of conversation and the need for self-awareness can become compromised. One big concern is that this impairment in the growth of emotional and social skills will itself produce relational thinness that will make anxiety, depression and despair more prevalent at a changing time in our society when resilience is needed more than ever before.
Bryson: The technology we use can be great and even help us stay connected better if we use it in thoughtful ways. My biggest concern is that we unconsciously reach for [our devices] so often that they pull us away from being present. We are modeling what we value by what we give the most attention to, and my fear is that we're modeling that we value our devices more than our relationships. Our devices can enrich life in certain ways, but I think we can do a much better job of using them as little as possible when we are providing care to children, particularly young ones. One time a stay-at-home mom told me that she worried that she was on her phone too much while she cared for her toddler and asked me, "How much is too much?" I asked her, "If you had a nanny who was caring for your child and he or she was on their device as much as you are, would you feel good about the care your child was receiving?" Her eyes widened and she said, "I'd fire her."
It's important that we are thoughtful about how, when and how much we are on our devices and that we're honest with ourselves regarding how much it interferes with being present with our kids.
You place a significant emphasis on the importance of empathy in child-rearing, both in understanding a child's motivations and in relating one's own experiences to theirs. What are the implications of increased empathy and "showing up," beyond personal relationships, for the next generation as world citizens?
Siegel: The term "empathy" can be defined in many ways. For us, the scientific view of empathy--having at least five interrelated facets--is how we use this term: emotional resonance, perspective-taking, cognitive understanding, empathic joy, and empathic concern. These serve as the gateway in turn for compassion and kindness--compassion being the way we sense suffering, imagine how to reduce that suffering and then take actions to alleviate that suffering. Kindness can be seen as a positive intention to be of benefit to others without expecting anything back in return, a way of being in which we honor and support one another's vulnerabilities. For world citizens, providing an early experience of caregivers who "show up" is the basis for cultivating empathic skills, compassionate states of mind and kindness. Also, moving beyond a solitary sense of self and realizing the importance of the inner self's relational interconnections with other people and with nature--with the planet--may be the crucial shift that the world needs as we move forward as a species.
Bryson: Beautifully said, Dan. I'd just like to add that when we show up empathetically for our children, we are doing something much more than just being nice, more even than regulating their nervous system in the moment to help them calm down. We're stimulating the growth and development of their integrative prefrontal cortex, which allows them, as development unfolds over time, to have greater capacity for problem-solving, insight, empathy, morality, mental and emotional flexibility, creativity, curiosity, decision-making and much more. These qualities of social and emotional intelligence, of wise discernment and of strong executive function to plan and solve are all essential for the world citizens of the next generation.
--The above content was compiled by Jennifer Oleinik, freelance writer and editor, and shared via the Shelf Awareness newsletter.
Photo credit: WorkingMoms.com
By providing these “Four S’s,” your kids will be prepared to live fully and show resilience.
By Daniel J. Siegel M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson Ph.D.
This article first appeared on WorkingMother.com.
Parents worry. It’s what we do, right? We worry about our kids and their safety, of course, but we also sometimes worry that we’re not being good enough parents. We worry about the times we let them down. We worry that we’re not giving them enough attention. We worry that we’re giving them too much attention. And for some of us, we worry that we’re letting work keep us from being the kind of parents we need to be.
The struggle is real. We get it. We’re both parents with careers, and we’ve both missed recitals and ball games, even the occasional back-to-school night. (Sometimes, ironically, we’ve missed events because we’re on a stage somewhere talking about parenting!) We’ve worried at times, too. And we’ve experienced that powerful cousin of worry, guilt.
We know there are reasons to feel better about being away from our kids: that we’re setting a good example by showing them what it means to be responsible, or to have meaningful work that helps others, or to live with purpose. That we can be better parents and appreciate parenting more when we’ve had a break from it. That it’s good for kids to develop additional attachment figures they can depend on for love and support. We know these reasons and find them persuasive and compelling. And yet, doubts can creep in, leaving us worried not only that we’re missing out, but that we’re too stretched and busy and not adequately available for our kids.
If you identify with any of this, we’ve got good news for you. The childrearing research is crystal clear that if we can give our kids one particular thing, they’ll enjoy life-long benefits when it comes to happiness and fulfillment in their relationships, academics and even careers. What’s that one thing? It’s not that they’re raised by someone who never misses a Little League game, or who volunteers for every PTA position. It’s that they have a parent who can be counted on to “show up.”
Showing up means bringing your whole being—your attention and awareness—into the moments you have with your child. It means being physically and emotionally present for your child right now, and in all of the “right nows” you two share together. Your job may require that you travel, or you might not be the one picking up your kids at the carpool circle every day after school. But if you can prioritize spending consistent and meaningful time with them along the way, then you are showing up. In other words, though it’s not always easy, it’s quite simple: They need us. We don’t have to be perfect, and we don’t have to be at home 24/7. We just have to be present and show up for them in meaningful ways.
How do you do that? By providing what we call the “Four S’s," helping your kids feel: 1) safe—where they feel protected and sheltered from harm; 2) seen—where they know you “get them,” understand them, and pay attention to them; 3) soothed—where they know you’ll be there for them and help them when they need you; and 4) secure—which develops from the other S’s so they trust you to predictably help them feel “at home” in the world, then learn to help themselves feel safe, seen and soothed. When you offer your children the gift of helping them feel safe, seen, soothed and secure, they’ll be well prepared to live fully and show resilience, even in the face of significant adversity.
So take a break from worrying and feeling guilty, and instead focus on showing up with your physical and emotional presence. Offer your kids the Four S’s—when you’re reading to or playing with them; when they’re struggling or enjoying success; when you’re consoling, disciplining or arguing with them; and even when you’re acknowledging the times you don’t show up for them. No parent is perfect, but all of us can be present for our kids, whatever our circumstances. Don’t beat yourself up about the times you’re not around. Impactful parenting begins right where you are, right now. All you have to do is show up.