Yesterday I spent a fun hour with the delightful Richard Fidler on ABC Radio in Australia.

You can listen to it here.

Few experiences any of us undergo are as transformative as parenting.  By definition, parenting is about transformation.  One of our most important jobs as parents is to witness and influence the evolution of our children from wrinkly newborns with raw nervous systems into integrated, whole humans who know who they are and how to be in the world.  And parenting obviously transforms us as well.  There are smaller transformations—we learn to do most things “one-handed” while carrying a baby on our hip; we begin to eat at McDonalds; we memorize the names of dinosaurs; we learn to play video games again; we even buy a mini-van (which for some is a bigger transformation than for others).  And there are huge, life-changing transformations—we adjust our priorities; we make sacrifices that cost us greatly; we learn to live with worrying and “what ifs”; we forever expand our hearts.

Along the way, we become more creative than we ever knew possible.  I’m not talking about the creativity of artists, song-writers, or novelists.  I’m talking about the creativity that’s required for survival for anyone caring for children.  I knew I’d been forever transformed by my role as a parent when, in my attempt to get through to my non-compliant little streakers, creativity sprung forth from desperation and I made up a song with a chorus that began, “No naked butts on the furniture.”  (Unfortunately, it was so catchy that one day I actually found myself singing it in the car by myself.  As I said, parenting changes us.)

What’s more, transformation isn’t limited to people.  We can also use our creativity to transform moments, so that the situations and circumstances we face can change into something else.  Moments can be transformed for the worse, like when our downstairs brain shifts into overdrive and a sweet, bedtime cuddle turns into a fierce battle, complete with crying, wailing, and gnashing of teeth for all involved.   But likewise, we can transform moments for the good of ourselves and our children, so that an ordinary, everyday parenting challenge is converted into an opportunity for growth, connection, and relationship.  And to do this, it almost always requires creativity.

Creativity allows us to transform a battle and a disconnection into an opportunity to bond, to play, to teach, and even to develop the higher parts of our kids’ brains.  I don’t always achieve this lofty goal, but when I’m able to, I’m reminded of just how powerful it can be when we use our creativity to transform the moments we’re given.

For example, while eating at one of our favorite Mexican food restaurants, I noticed that my four-year-old had left the table and was standing behind a pillar about ten feet away.  As much as I love him, and as adorable as he is most of the time, when I saw his angry, defiant face coupled with his repeated tongue-thrusting aimed at our table, “adorable” wasn’t the a-word that came to my mind.  A few diners at surrounding tables noticed and looked at my husband and me to see how we were going to handle the situation.  In that moment, Scott and I felt the pressure and judgment of those watching and expecting us to lay down the law about manners at a restaurant.

I clearly saw two choices as I walked over and crouched down eye-level with my son.  Option #1:  I could go the traditional “Command and Demand” route and open with a clichéd threat uttered in a stern tone:  “Stop making faces, young man.  Go sit down and eat your lunch or you won’t get any dessert.”

At times Option #1 might be an appropriate parental response.  But knowing my little guy, this verbal and non-verbal confrontation would have triggered all kinds of reactive emotions in his downstairs brain —the part scientists call the reptilian brain—and he would have fought back like a reptile under attack.

Or, Option #2:  I could tap into his upstairs brain in an effort to get more of a thinking—as opposed to a fighting/reacting—response.

Now, I make plenty of mistakes as I parent my boys (as they’ll freely tell you).  But just the day before, I had given a lecture to a group of parents about the upstairs and downstairs brain, and about using everyday challenges—the survival moments—as opportunities to help our kids thrive.  So, luckily for my son, all of that was fresh in my mind.  I decided to choose Option #2.

I started with an observation:  “You look like you feel angry.  Is that right?”  (Remember, always connect before you redirect.)  He scrunched up his face in ferocity, stuck out his tongue again, and loudly proclaimed, “YES!”  I was actually relieved that he stopped there; it wouldn’t have been at all unlike him to add his latest favorite insult and call me “Fart-face Jones.”  (I swear I don’t know where they learn this stuff.)

I asked him what he felt angry about and discovered that he was furious that Scott had told him he needed to eat at least half of his quesadilla before he could have dessert.  I explained that I could see why that would be disappointing, and I said, “Well, Daddy’s really good at negotiating.  Decide what you think would be a fair amount to eat, and then go talk to him about it.  Let me know if you need help coming up with your plan.”  I tousled his hair, returned to the table, and watched his once-again adorable face show evidence of doing some hard thinking.  His upstairs brain was definitely engaged.  In fact, it was at war with his downstairs brain.  So far we had avoided a blow-up, but it still felt like a dangerous fuse might be burning within him.

Within fifteen seconds or so, my son returned and approached Scott with an angry tone of voice:  “Dad, I don’t want to eat half of my quesadilla.  AND I want dessert.”  Scott’s response perfectly dovetailed with my own: “Well, what do you think would be a fair amount?”

The answer came with slow, firm resolve:  “I’ve got one word for you:  Ten bites.”

What makes this un-mathematical response even funnier is that ten bites meant that he would eat well over half the quesadilla.  So Scott accepted the counter-offer, my son happily gobbled down ten bites and then his dessert, and the whole family (as well as the restaurant’s other patrons) got to enjoy our meals with no further incidents.  My son’s downstairs brain never fully took over, which, lucky for us, meant that his upstairs brain had won the day.

Again, Option #1 would have been perfectly fine, even appropriate.  But it also would have missed an opportunity.  My son would have missed a chance to see that relationships are about connection, communication, and compromise.  He would have missed a chance to feel empowered that he can make choices, affect his environment, and solve problems.  In short, he would have missed an opportunity to exercise and develop his upstairs brain.

And I hasten to point out that even though I chose Option #2, Scott and I still had to address the misbehavior part of the incident.  Once our son was more in control of himself, and could actually be receptive to what we had to say, we discussed the importance of being respectful and using good manners in a restaurant, even when he’s unhappy.

Challenge met, opportunity seized, moment transformed.  (This time, at least.)

As parents, we look for all kinds of ways to teach our children, to nurture their development.  And it’s great to take them to the museum, to piano lessons, to the observatory, to a baseball game.  But we also want to pay attention to the rich, minute-by-minute opportunities we’re given, and creatively transform these moments as well.  What this requires—and there are plenty of times when I’m not very good at doing it—is that we take ourselves off of auto-pilot and look at each moment with fresh eyes.  And though it isn’t easy by any stretch of the imagination, when we can step back and achieve a certain amount of critical distance from the situation at hand, that’s when we can begin to transform moments.  And really, that’s just about the most we can hope for as parents.  We can work hard to remain watchful for moments—hundreds of moments, large and small, throughout the day—and transform them, and allow them to transform us and our kids as well.

I find the whole study – which analyzes the patterns of sound and action that usually accompany a tantrum – absolutely fascinating.  And I’m grateful to any scientists (in this case Michael Potegal and James A. Green) who offer us new information that can help us better understand our children so we can be more loving and nurturing as we interact with them.  I also want to mention Vendantam’s book The Hidden Brain.  I haven’t read it yet, but it’s on my “get to” list, since I understand that it raises some really interesting questions regarding how much our brain drives who we are, even without our awareness.

Having said all that, a couple of objections kept nagging at me when I read Vendantam’s blog post about Green and Potegal’s science explaining “what’s behind a temper tantrum.”  Specifically, I kept wanting to hear less about how parents can “get a tantrum to end as soon as possible” (though I totally understand this desire and have felt this way during many of my own children’s tantrums), and more about how parents can be emotionally responsive and present when their kids are upset.

In other words, I wanted a tantrum to be presented not only as an unpleasant experience that parents can learn to manage for their own benefit, but instead as another opportunity to make a child feel safe and loved, which would offer the added benefit that she’ll learn to better express her feelings, and reign those emotions in more quickly and appropriately in the future.

So much of the way I look at tantrums begins with parental empathy.  For example, it’s really important to understand WHY children have tantrums:  Their young, undeveloped brains are subject to becoming disintegrated as their big emotions take over.  As Dan Siegel and I explain in our book The Whole-Brain Child, when the different parts of a child’s brain work together in a coordinated way, it creates a state of integration and the child is able to deal with things not going his way.  But when the more primitive parts of his brain (what we call the “downstairs brain”) take over, and the more flexible, thoughtful parts of his brain (the “upstairs brain”) stop working well, the child dis-integrates, and that’s when we see the screaming, yelling, kicking, etc.  It really helps to understand that during this “downstairs tantrum,” the reactive part of a child’s brain is in charge.

For this reason, I don’t like the strategy that Vendantam advocates, to do nothing.  Green and Potegal are right that asking questions can further upset a child; parents tend to over-talk in general when their kids are upset.  But that fact doesn’t at all logically lead to the conclusion that we should ignore our children when they’re distraught.

In fact, here are two main reasons NOT to ignore a child in the midst of a tantrum:

Reason #1:  A child in a tantrum-state is suffering.

Just like our kids need us to be with them and provide reassurance and comfort when they’re physically hurting, they need the same thing when they’re suffering emotionally.  Of course, this is not to say that we should allow a child to harm himself, put others at risk, or destroy things.  We may have to help him control his body during a downstairs tantrum, and we can lovingly set boundaries with lots of comfort and empathy.  That’s what a child needs when he’s upset.

If we view tantrums as our child being difficult or manipulative or naughty, it’s not too easy to respond with calm empathy. However, we can more easily rise to this challenge when we see that our child needs us to be calm and loving because he is suffering.

Reason #2:  A quick end to the tantrum isn’t the goal.

I’m actually skeptical about the researchers’ claim that doing nothing is the fastest ways to address a child’s anger and put an end to a tantrum.  But even if Green and Potegal are right on this point, is that really the ultimate goal?  I know how unpleasant a tantrum can be – believe me, I know.  But ask yourself a question.  Out of two possible messages, which would you prefer to send to your child?

Message 1:  You’re on your own if you get angry and upset.  I love you, and I’ll be here for you once you’re done throwing your fit; but as long as you keep acting this way, I’m going to ignore you.  So hurry up and finish being upset.

Message 2:  I’m here for you even when you’re falling apart and at your absolute worst.  I can take it.  I’ve got your back.

When you send this second message, you’re not giving in.  You’re not being permissive.  Again, you can (and should) still set boundaries.  But you do so while communicating your love and walking through the difficult moment with your child.

Plus, a huge benefit is that you’re actually making things easier for both your child and yourself in the future.  By providing your empathy and calm presence during a tantrum, you’re actually building your child’s capacity to behave better in the future, because emotional responsiveness strengthens the integrative connections in her brain that allow her to make better choices, control her body and emotions, and think about others.

So the next time your little one throws herself on the floor and completely falls apart, don’t walk away.  Send her the message that you’re there with her in her suffering, even if it takes a minute longer for calm to return.  And like I said, I think this approach might actually help you both get through the whole ordeal much more quickly, and ultimately let her know you are there for her even when she is at her worst and the world is completely chaotic.

[Update:  A reader asked, “So if I shouldn’t ignore a tantrum, what SHOULD I do?”  I’ve responded to that question here, here, here, and here.]

• A child’s tantrum may originate in the upstairs brain, meaning the child is in control and is using the moment to intentionally achieve a desired end.  In moments like these, parents should respond with love, but set clear boundaries and avoid rewarding manipulative behavior.
• If, however, the tantrum originates in the more primal downstairs brain, and the child is truly out of control, then the parents’ response should be less about setting boundaries, and more about nurturing the child and guiding him back into a state of calm and control.

If you’ve heard me speak before, you may have heard me talk about the upstairs brain and the downstairs brain.  Or maybe you’re read about the concepts here, where I help you teach the basic information to your kids.

Right now I want to apply that information in a way that can help us deal with one of the most unpleasant parenting issues we all face:  the dreaded tantrum.

The Downstairs Brain and the Upstairs Brain

The basic idea is that we can think about our brain as a house, with a downstairs and an upstairs.  The downstairs brain includes the brain stem and the limbic region, which are located in the lower parts of the brain, from the top of your neck to about the bridge of your nose.  Scientists talk about these lower areas as being more primitive because they’re responsible for basic functions (like breathing and blinking), for innate reactions and impulses (like fight and flight), and for strong emotions (like anger and fear).

Your upstairs brain, on the other hand, handles much more sophisticated thinking.  It’s made up of the cerebral cortex and its various parts—particularly the ones directly behind your forehead, including what’s called the middle prefrontal cortex.  In other words, it is literally the higher (and thus upstairs) part of your brain.  This is where more complex mental processing takes place, like thinking, imagining, and planning.  Whereas the downstairs brain is primitive, the upstairs brain is highly sophisticated, controlling some of your most important higher-order and analytical thinking.  Because of its sophistication and complexity, it is responsible for producing many of the characteristics we hope to see in our kids:

• Sound decision-making and planning
• Control over emotions and body
• Self-understanding
• Empathy
• Morality

In other words, a child whose upstairs brain is properly functioning will demonstrate some of the most important characteristics of a mature and healthy human being.

Two Different Tantrums

What does all this have to do with tantrums?  Well, when your child begins to throw a fit of some sort, one of the first questions you should ask yourself is whether it’s an upstairs tantrum or a downstairs tantrum.

An upstairs tantrum originates in the upstairs brain, and this is the strategic tantrum.  Here the child is control of himself and is willfully and manipulatively acting upset to achieve a desired end:  to get a toy he wants, to stay at the park longer, whatever.  He is purposefully employing tactics to get things his way.

When you see an upstairs tantrum, in the words of Tina Fey, “Shut it down!”  Do not give in.  Your child is in control of himself and is trying to make your life so unpleasant at this moment that you choose to do something other than what you’ve already decided is best.  Never negotiate with a terrorist.  You should still be nurturing and respectful to your child, but your primary response should be to set and maintain a boundary.

If, however, you determine that your child is undergoing a downstairs tantrum, your response should be much more nurturing and sympathetic.  If he’s so upset that he’s legitimately and honestly out of control, then he needs you in this moment.  When you determine that he’s unable to regulate his emotions and actions, then it’s unjust to punish him or try to discipline him.  If you ignore him when he’s in this emotional distress state, it’s like ignoring him when he’s physically in distress.

If his downstairs brain has taken over, he can’t remain calm and make good decisions, no matter how much you demand that he do so.  Even if you give him what he wants, he’ll continue to lose his mind.  In that instant, your job is to use a soothing voice and nonverbals (like touch and empathetic facial expressions) to help bring him back from the emotional precipice so he can regain control of himself.  Then, once he’s calm, you can talk to him about making good choices, and you can handle whatever disciplinary issues you need to address once he’s recovered and it’s actually a teachable moment.  While you’re still going to maintain boundaries, your main emphasis in these moments is comfort.

The Point:  Remain Flexible, Providing Both Boundaries and Nurturing

The point here is not to get rigidly locked into one response for every tantrum.  Instead, do what’s most loving.  I know, I know.  People always say that the proper way to address a tantrum is to ignore it.  But if it’s an upstairs tantrum, you should directly address the inappropriate way your child is communicating, and if it’s a downstairs tantrum, he may need you to help him calm down and pull it together.  You’ll need to employ boundaries and nurturing in both cases, but if your child is still in control, emphasize boundaries; and if he’s lost control, emphasize comfort.  Even though it can be challenging, try to look beyond how difficult your child is making things for you in this moment, and provide him with what he most needs right now—clear communication about where the boundaries are, and lots and lots of love.

The parents I’ve talked to about spanking are almost always very strong in their position, but they avoid talking about it with other parents, and when the discussion begins, it’s almost never a respectful, open conversation among people who really are willing to listen to the other side.

I feel compelled to really have those conversations, so I’ll be doing more of this in the coming months, both informally at the park and on the ballfield, and also publicly in various formats.  In order to get the ball rolling, what you’ll see below are my answers to the questions Dr. Drew’s producer asked me in our pre-show correspondence.

WHERE DO YOU STAND ON THE DEBATE OF TO SPANK OR NOT TO SPANK?

Anyone who’s heard me speak knows that I am really big on boundaries and on parents being authority figures.  And still, I am against spanking.  I think that using physical force, particularly against a child, is wrong.   The idea of inflicting physical (even minor) pain on a child is unsettling to me.  Beyond that, I firmly believe that when you understand how the brain works, you see that spanking is often counter-productive when it comes to teaching our kids the lessons we want them to learn.

However, that being said, it’s not really all that simple.  Two particular points make the whole question about spanking a complex one in my mind.  The first is that there are really good, loving parents who spank.  I have friends who spank calmly and with nurturing conversations with their children regarding their discipline.  They are intentional about how and WHY they do it.  I know these parents well, and I’ve seen how great their kids are turning out, and how loved those kids feel.  So those of us who don’t spank need to avoid the temptation to caricature parents who use corporal punishment, seeing them as out-of-control child abusers whose kids will turn out to be violent monsters.

The second point that complicates matters is that there are plenty of non-spanking discipline approaches that can be more damaging than spanking.  I know that I myself have been guilty of saying things to my kids that should never have been said.  A calm parent who lightly spanks and has a reflective conversation with their child about it and then hugs it out with forgiveness is doing less damage than a parent who isolates their child for long periods of time or who humiliates their child or says things that are hurtful.  It’s complex, and the CONTEXT in which the spanking occurs matters a lot.

So I’m definitely against spanking, and I don’t use it for discipline with my boys.  But I don’t see the question as a simple one.

DO YOU THINK SPANKING CREATES AN UNHEALTHY AMOUNT OF FEAR IN A CHILD?

It certainly can.  Just as yelling and threatening a child, even without ever touching him, can do the same.  One reason spanking and yelling can be so counter-productive is because it can take the focus off of the behavior that you want to address, and put it on the parent’s bad behavior.  I know that when I’ve been reactive and yelled at my kids, rather than handling things as I wanted to, they’ve often ended up thinking only about my response to their misbehavior, meaning that they’re not considering their own actions at all.  Anytime parents overshoot the mark or are reactive or punitive, the child’s focus shifts from thinking about their responsibility and their mistake, to how unfair and mean their parent is.  The parental response then, is counterproductive to changing behavior, because it sidesteps an opportunity for the child to think about and even feel some healthy guilt and think about their own behavior.

WHAT’S THE MOST EFFECTIVE WAY FOR A PARENT TO DISCIPLINE THEIR CHILD?

It absolutely depends on the age of the child and the child’s temperament.  For some children, you can just raise your eyebrows at them and they cry and feel bad and stop the behavior.  With other kids, you can yell and scream and they’ll just keep on going.

All of my discipline is informed by asking one question:  What is the lesson I want taught here?  Another way to say it is, What skill needs to be developed?

Practically speaking, then, for young children I suggest a four-step approach:

1. Address the feelings behind the behavior.  “I can see that you’re feeling really mad that your brother didn’t share.”
2. Address the behavior.  “Biting hurts.  No biting.”
3. Give an alternative.  “Next time you’re mad at your sister, ask me for help.”
4. Move on.  “Hey, is that the trash truck I hear coming?  Let’s go look.”  Don’t give any more attention to the bad behavior.

With older kids, I want to make sure that the focus of discipline isn’t the consequences themselves.  (Remember, the root of the word “discipline” is all about teaching.)  So I want to focus on teaching what I DO want my kids to do.

We know that brain connections are formed from repeated experiences, and that what we do over and over becomes wired in our brains.  So when my kids mess up, I don’t want their repeated experiences to be physical pain (for spanking parents), or to be isolation, humiliation, or yelling/threatening (for non-spankers).

What I DO want them to repeatedly experience is doing things the right way and thinking about making good choices and how their behavior affects others.  So, instead of a time out, I’ll often have my kids practice doing things the right way.  If they’re being disrespectful in their tone and communication, I might give them a “do-over” and have them say it respectfully.  If they’ve been mean to their brother, I might require that they find three kind things to do for him before bedtime.  That way, the repeated experience of positive behavior is getting wired in their brain.

Most of my discipline with my 5-, 8-, and 11-year-old boys is done through dialogue, reflection, and problem-solving.  And my discipline approaches are still evolving as I learn as a parent, and with each developmental stage my kids reach.

SHARE WITH ME THE NEGATIVE EFFECT SPANKING HAS ON A CHILD

Again, even though I’m against spanking, I’m open to the possibility that there may be a “right” way to do it.  I wish I could say more about exactly what that right way might be, but I don’t know enough to be specific.  As I said, I plan to talk to my friends who are such great parents and ask them more specifically why they spank, and I hope to report back to you on that soon.

But one thing we know is that a lot, if not most,  parents DON’T spank calmly.  They spank in a way that causes their child to be afraid.  So, let me talk about the negative effects of any discipline approach that’s reactive and out-of-control.

Again, when parents over-shoot the mark and become harsh or reactive, it’s counter-productive because then the kid thinks about how unfair you are; it keeps her from taking responsibility and thinking about her misbehavior.

Also, we are born with an instinct to run to our caregivers for protection when we are hurt or afraid.  But when our caregivers are the SOURCE of the pain and fear, it’s very confusing for the brain.

There’s a lot of conflicting research on whether spanking is effective or damaging, and there are many problems with the methodology of most of these studies (such as how they define spanking and controlling for the severity, frequency, etc.).  But what I do know is that as humans we are wired to avoid pain.  Children can’t be perfect, so I feel inclined to agree with the findings that indicate that spanking stops the behavior in that moment but don’t change behavior in the long run; instead, children just get better at hiding their behavior.  In other words, the danger is that kids will do whatever it takes to avoid pain, so they lie and hide more.

Plus, in severe cases, where children repeatedly feel terror and it’s traumatic, like in physical abuse, the stress hormone cortisol floods the brain.  That’s toxic, and it actually damages the brain.

TALK TO ME ABOUT SPANKING FROM THE BRAIN PERSPECTIVE OF A CHILD.  (I know in your book The Whole-Brain Child, you mention the upstairs brain and the downstairs brain.)

Look, if you threaten or physically attack a reptile, what kind of a response do you think you’ll get?  When we are threatened or physically attacked, our reptilian or primitive brain takes over.  We move into a “survive” mode.  We are going to go into a fight, flight, or freeze mode.  When our kids feel fear, pain, or anger, it triggers the downstairs brain.  In other words, by creating fear in them, we are directing all of our child’s energy and attention to their primitive brain, instead of their logical, thinking, upstairs brain, which is the more sophisticated part of the brain that allows us to be good people and make good choices and handle our emotions.  The brain develops what it gets practice doing!  Do you want to trigger your child’s primitive, downstairs brain, or engage their thinking, rational upstairs brain?

When we trigger the downstairs brain, we miss the chance to develop the upstairs brain.  It’s a missed opportunity.  Instead, let’s use discipline strategies that give kids practice using their upstairs brain so we can develop that and help them be responsible people who do the right thing!

YOU SAY YOU’RE BIG ON SETTING BOUNDARIES.  TELL ME ABOUT THAT.

I reviewed this science for my dissertation.  Science shows that kids do best when parents do two things.  1) Set high expectations and boundaries for their kids; and 2) Provide consistent nurturing and emotionally responsive interactions with their kids, in which they have conversations about those expectations and boundaries.

Boundaries give kids clear ideas of what they can and can’t do, creating a predictable, consistent, and safe environment.  When kids have a boundary set and enforced, it makes them put their brakes on when they have an impulse to do something they shouldn’t do.  Getting practice controlling impulses and putting on the brakes builds the part of the brain that allows them to handle their emotions and make better choices.  It also builds resilience in them to be able to handle not getting their way and being able to tell themselves no.

GIVE ME THREE TAKEAWAYS PARENTS SHOULD ASK THEMSELVES WHEN THEY ARE DEALING WITH A CHILD THAT NEEDS CORRECTING.

1) Remember that discipline is about teaching.  Spanking has the potential to put the child’s attention on pain and their anger/fear of us, instead of the behavior and the change we’re aiming for.  Don’t just think about the punishment or the consequence; think about the goal or the lesson you’re trying to teach.  Then you can think about how you can teach that in the most loving and effective way that builds your relationship and the trust between you.

2) I realize that spanking may be effective in stopping certain bad behaviors.  But our ULTIMATE goal as parents is not to stop bad behavior in our kids.  The goal isn’t to keep them from doing bad things, but to help them grow up to be good people who choose to do the right thing out of internal motivation, not out of fear of punishment.  We can best do that by giving their upstairs brain practice.  We do this through asking them to reflect on their behavior, problem-solve about future situations, make amends, think about how their behavior affects others, etc.

3) Be emotionally responsive.  Whether you spank or not, remember that when we’re emotionally responsive and nurturing as parents (even when our children have misbehaved), we’re building the connections in their brain that allow them to make good decisions, control their emotions, and care about others.

Here’s a way you might approach the topic of tantrums and other high-emotion moments.  Sit down with your child and use your own words to say something like this:

Do you ever feel like a jack-in-the-box?  Where you get upset, then more and more upset, and it feels like someone’s winding your crank tighter and tighter, and before long you’re going to explode?  Think about a time when you did explode and make a bad decision because the pressure built up in you.  Tell me about it.

In a moment like that, the downstairs part of your brain is feeling all of those emotions, and it doesn’t know how to deal with them.

The good news is that you also have an upstairs part of your brain.  Its job is to help you make good decisions, and do the right thing, even when you feel like you’re going to explode.  By listening to your upstairs brain, you can stop being a jack-in-the-box and instead become a STAR:  you Stop, Think, Act, and Reflect.

When you get upset, you don’t have to be controlled by other people, or circumstances, or even your own feelings.  When you’re a STAR, you can decide how to act, instead of just reacting.  Even when you’re totally upset, you have the power to stop, think, and choose how you want to act.

So the next time you feel like a jack-in-the-box, with circumstances or someone else winding your crank, think of your upstairs brain and be a STAR.  Before you act, stop and think.  Then, afterwards, go back and reflect on the decision you made.  It won’t always be a good decision, and it’s not easy to be a STAR, but you are powerful, and you can make good decisions, even when the pressure builds up in your box.