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I know lots of loving parents who use time outs as their primary discipline technique.  I’m not saying that time outs are completely unhelpful; more that I don’t think they’re the best alternative we have when it comes to discipline—the goal of which, remember, is to teach.

Reasons I’m Not a Fan of Time-Outs:

#1.  What we know about the brain. 

Because I know that brain connections are formed from repeated experiences, I don’t want my kids’ repeated experience to be isolation, which they may view as rejection, when they’ve made a mistake.

What I DO want them to repeatedly experience is doing things the right way.  So, instead of a time out, I’ll often ask my kids to practice good behavior.  If they’re being disrespectful in their tone and communication, I might ask them to try it again and say it respectfully.  If they’ve been mean to their brother, I might ask them to find three kind things to do for him before bedtime.  That way, the repeated experience of positive behavior is getting wired in their brain.

#2.  False advertising and missed opportunities. 

What’s the point or the goal for a time out?  It’s supposed to be for a child to calm down and reflect on his or her behavior.  In my experience, time outs frequently just make children more angry .  And how often do you think kids use their time out to reflect on their behavior?  I’ve got news for you:  The main thing they’re reflecting on is how mean parents are.

When they’re reflecting on their horrible luck to have such a mean, unfair parent, they’re missing out on an opportunity to have experiences of building insight, empathy, and problem-solving.  Putting them in time out misses a chance for them to practice being active decision-makers who are empowered to figure things out.  We want to give them practice at being problem-solvers, and at making good choices.  You can do your kids a lot of good by simply asking, “What are you going to do to make it better and solve this problem?”  Given the chance once they’re calm, they’ll usually do the right thing, and learn in the process.

#3.  Time outs often aren’t linked to the misbehavior.

Usually, we want to choose consequences that are directly and logically connected to the misbehavior.  Using a broom to whack the TV means the broom is put away until the child can make appropriate choices with it again.  Riding a bike without a helmet means no riding for a few days.

Time outs, though, often don’t relate in any clear way to a child’s bad decision or out-of-control reaction.  As a result, they’re often not as effective in terms of changing behavior.

#4.  Time outs are too often used as punishment, as opposed to a teaching tool.

Even when parents have good intentions, time outs are often used inappropriately.  The idea behind time outs is to give kids a chance to calm down and pull themselves together.  Then they can move from their internal chaos into calm.

But much of the time, parents use time outs punitively.  The goal isn’t to help the child return to her calm baseline, but to punish her for some misbehavior.  The calming, teaching aspect of the consequence gets totally lost.

#5.  Kids need connection. 

Often, misbehavior is a result of a child inappropriately expressing a need or a big feeling.  She may be hungry or tired, or maybe there’s some other reason she’s incapable in that moment of controlling herself and making a good decision.

Like, maybe she’s three, and her brain isn’t sophisticated enough to say, “Mother dear, I’m feeling frustrated that we’re out of my favorite juice, and I’d like to respectfully request that you put it on your grocery list.”  So instead, doing her best to express her crushing disappointment, she begins throwing toys at you.

It’s during these times that she most needs our comfort and calm presence.  Forcing her to go off and sit by herself can feel like abandonment to the child, especially if she’s feeling out of control already.  It may even send the subtle message that when she isn’t perfect, you don’t want to be near her.

Again, if done appropriately with loving connection, such as sitting with the child and talking or comforting – often called a “time-in” – some time to calm down can be helpful for children.  But there are often more nurturing and effective ways to respond to kids than to give them a time out.

But I’ve found that auto-pilot is not so great when I’m disciplining my children.  It can fly me straight into whatever dark and stormy cloudbank is looming, meaning my kids and I are all in for a bumpy ride.  So instead, I’m always working on DECIDING how I want to interact with my kids when I discipline them.

For example, let’s talk about consequences.  For most parents, when we need to discipline our kids, the first question we ask ourselves is, “What consequence should I give?”  That’s our auto-pilot.  But through my years of parenting, I’ve begun to significantly re-think my use of consequences.

My four-year-old, for instance, hit me the other day.  He was angry because I told him I needed to finish an email before I could play legos with him, and he came up and slapped me on the back.  (I’m always surprised that a person that small can inflict so much pain.)

My immediate, auto-pilot reaction was to want to grab him, probably harder than I needed to, and tell him through clinched teeth, “Hitting is not OK!”  Then I would, of course, give him a consequence.

But how effective would that really have been when it came to teaching my son?  And would it have addressed the issue behind his behavior?  Maybe, but maybe not.

So instead of that consequence-based approach, I’ve shifted to begin my discipline by asking three different questions:

1.     Why did my child act this way? If we look deeper at what’s going on behind misbehavior, we can often understand that our child was trying to express or attempt something that they didn’t handle appropriately.   If we understand this, we can respond more compassionately, proactively, and appropriately.

2.     What’s the lesson I want to teach in this moment? The goal of discipline isn’t to give a consequence.  The goal of discipline is actually to teach, but we forget this easily.

3.     What’s the most effective way to teach this lesson? Answering this question may allow you to be more creative and effective in teaching the lesson, instead of just doing the same thing over and over.  In fact, answering this question may reveal that your current practices aren’t actually teaching the lesson you want to teach in the best way—or, it might affirm what you’re already doing.

When I felt the small-hand-shaped imprint of pain on my back, it took me a moment to calm down and avoid simply reacting.  But when I could ask myself these three questions, I could see more clearly what was going on in my interaction with my son.

#1:  He hit me because he wanted my attention and wasn’t getting it.

#2:  The lesson I want him to learn is not that misbehavior merits a consequence, but that there are better ways of getting my attention than resorting to violence.

#3:  While giving him a time-out might teach him that lesson, I decided it would be more effective to remind him and give him the words to communicate his needs.  So first, I connected with him by pulling him to me and letting him know he had my full attention.  Then, I acknowledged his feelings and modeled communicating these feelings:  “You really want me to play, and you’re mad that I’m at the computer.  Is that right?”  Finally, once he was more calm and I had his full attention, I could get eye contact and explain that hitting is never all right, and ask him to list some alternatives he could choose the next time he wants my attention.

I’m not saying that there’s never a time to use consequences.  They can be an effective tool you want to consider when it’s time to discipline.  I’m just saying that consequences aren’t the goal of discipline.

So the next time you’re disciplining your child, do your best to avoid switching to auto-pilot, and instead, stay focused on what it is you want to teach and accomplish.  That will benefit not only your child, but the relationship you two share as well.

The parents I’ve talked to about spanking are almost always very strong in their position, but they avoid talking about it with other parents, and when the discussion begins, it’s almost never a respectful, open conversation among people who really are willing to listen to the other side.

I feel compelled to really have those conversations, so I’ll be doing more of this in the coming months, both informally at the park and on the ballfield, and also publicly in various formats.  In order to get the ball rolling, what you’ll see below are my answers to the questions Dr. Drew’s producer asked me in our pre-show correspondence.

WHERE DO YOU STAND ON THE DEBATE OF TO SPANK OR NOT TO SPANK?

Anyone who’s heard me speak knows that I am really big on boundaries and on parents being authority figures.  And still, I am against spanking.  I think that using physical force, particularly against a child, is wrong.   The idea of inflicting physical (even minor) pain on a child is unsettling to me.  Beyond that, I firmly believe that when you understand how the brain works, you see that spanking is often counter-productive when it comes to teaching our kids the lessons we want them to learn.

However, that being said, it’s not really all that simple.  Two particular points make the whole question about spanking a complex one in my mind.  The first is that there are really good, loving parents who spank.  I have friends who spank calmly and with nurturing conversations with their children regarding their discipline.  They are intentional about how and WHY they do it.  I know these parents well, and I’ve seen how great their kids are turning out, and how loved those kids feel.  So those of us who don’t spank need to avoid the temptation to caricature parents who use corporal punishment, seeing them as out-of-control child abusers whose kids will turn out to be violent monsters.

The second point that complicates matters is that there are plenty of non-spanking discipline approaches that can be more damaging than spanking.  I know that I myself have been guilty of saying things to my kids that should never have been said.  A calm parent who lightly spanks and has a reflective conversation with their child about it and then hugs it out with forgiveness is doing less damage than a parent who isolates their child for long periods of time or who humiliates their child or says things that are hurtful.  It’s complex, and the CONTEXT in which the spanking occurs matters a lot.

So I’m definitely against spanking, and I don’t use it for discipline with my boys.  But I don’t see the question as a simple one.

DO YOU THINK SPANKING CREATES AN UNHEALTHY AMOUNT OF FEAR IN A CHILD?

It certainly can.  Just as yelling and threatening a child, even without ever touching him, can do the same.  One reason spanking and yelling can be so counter-productive is because it can take the focus off of the behavior that you want to address, and put it on the parent’s bad behavior.  I know that when I’ve been reactive and yelled at my kids, rather than handling things as I wanted to, they’ve often ended up thinking only about my response to their misbehavior, meaning that they’re not considering their own actions at all.  Anytime parents overshoot the mark or are reactive or punitive, the child’s focus shifts from thinking about their responsibility and their mistake, to how unfair and mean their parent is.  The parental response then, is counterproductive to changing behavior, because it sidesteps an opportunity for the child to think about and even feel some healthy guilt and think about their own behavior.

WHAT’S THE MOST EFFECTIVE WAY FOR A PARENT TO DISCIPLINE THEIR CHILD?

It absolutely depends on the age of the child and the child’s temperament.  For some children, you can just raise your eyebrows at them and they cry and feel bad and stop the behavior.  With other kids, you can yell and scream and they’ll just keep on going.

All of my discipline is informed by asking one question:  What is the lesson I want taught here?  Another way to say it is, What skill needs to be developed?

Practically speaking, then, for young children I suggest a four-step approach:

1. Address the feelings behind the behavior.  “I can see that you’re feeling really mad that your brother didn’t share.”
2. Address the behavior.  “Biting hurts.  No biting.”
3. Give an alternative.  “Next time you’re mad at your sister, ask me for help.”
4. Move on.  “Hey, is that the trash truck I hear coming?  Let’s go look.”  Don’t give any more attention to the bad behavior.

With older kids, I want to make sure that the focus of discipline isn’t the consequences themselves.  (Remember, the root of the word “discipline” is all about teaching.)  So I want to focus on teaching what I DO want my kids to do.

We know that brain connections are formed from repeated experiences, and that what we do over and over becomes wired in our brains.  So when my kids mess up, I don’t want their repeated experiences to be physical pain (for spanking parents), or to be isolation, humiliation, or yelling/threatening (for non-spankers).

What I DO want them to repeatedly experience is doing things the right way and thinking about making good choices and how their behavior affects others.  So, instead of a time out, I’ll often have my kids practice doing things the right way.  If they’re being disrespectful in their tone and communication, I might give them a “do-over” and have them say it respectfully.  If they’ve been mean to their brother, I might require that they find three kind things to do for him before bedtime.  That way, the repeated experience of positive behavior is getting wired in their brain.

Most of my discipline with my 5-, 8-, and 11-year-old boys is done through dialogue, reflection, and problem-solving.  And my discipline approaches are still evolving as I learn as a parent, and with each developmental stage my kids reach.

SHARE WITH ME THE NEGATIVE EFFECT SPANKING HAS ON A CHILD

Again, even though I’m against spanking, I’m open to the possibility that there may be a “right” way to do it.  I wish I could say more about exactly what that right way might be, but I don’t know enough to be specific.  As I said, I plan to talk to my friends who are such great parents and ask them more specifically why they spank, and I hope to report back to you on that soon.

But one thing we know is that a lot, if not most,  parents DON’T spank calmly.  They spank in a way that causes their child to be afraid.  So, let me talk about the negative effects of any discipline approach that’s reactive and out-of-control.

Again, when parents over-shoot the mark and become harsh or reactive, it’s counter-productive because then the kid thinks about how unfair you are; it keeps her from taking responsibility and thinking about her misbehavior.

Also, we are born with an instinct to run to our caregivers for protection when we are hurt or afraid.  But when our caregivers are the SOURCE of the pain and fear, it’s very confusing for the brain.

There’s a lot of conflicting research on whether spanking is effective or damaging, and there are many problems with the methodology of most of these studies (such as how they define spanking and controlling for the severity, frequency, etc.).  But what I do know is that as humans we are wired to avoid pain.  Children can’t be perfect, so I feel inclined to agree with the findings that indicate that spanking stops the behavior in that moment but don’t change behavior in the long run; instead, children just get better at hiding their behavior.  In other words, the danger is that kids will do whatever it takes to avoid pain, so they lie and hide more.

Plus, in severe cases, where children repeatedly feel terror and it’s traumatic, like in physical abuse, the stress hormone cortisol floods the brain.  That’s toxic, and it actually damages the brain.

TALK TO ME ABOUT SPANKING FROM THE BRAIN PERSPECTIVE OF A CHILD.  (I know in your book The Whole-Brain Child, you mention the upstairs brain and the downstairs brain.)

Look, if you threaten or physically attack a reptile, what kind of a response do you think you’ll get?  When we are threatened or physically attacked, our reptilian or primitive brain takes over.  We move into a “survive” mode.  We are going to go into a fight, flight, or freeze mode.  When our kids feel fear, pain, or anger, it triggers the downstairs brain.  In other words, by creating fear in them, we are directing all of our child’s energy and attention to their primitive brain, instead of their logical, thinking, upstairs brain, which is the more sophisticated part of the brain that allows us to be good people and make good choices and handle our emotions.  The brain develops what it gets practice doing!  Do you want to trigger your child’s primitive, downstairs brain, or engage their thinking, rational upstairs brain?

When we trigger the downstairs brain, we miss the chance to develop the upstairs brain.  It’s a missed opportunity.  Instead, let’s use discipline strategies that give kids practice using their upstairs brain so we can develop that and help them be responsible people who do the right thing!

YOU SAY YOU’RE BIG ON SETTING BOUNDARIES.  TELL ME ABOUT THAT.

I reviewed this science for my dissertation.  Science shows that kids do best when parents do two things.  1) Set high expectations and boundaries for their kids; and 2) Provide consistent nurturing and emotionally responsive interactions with their kids, in which they have conversations about those expectations and boundaries.

Boundaries give kids clear ideas of what they can and can’t do, creating a predictable, consistent, and safe environment.  When kids have a boundary set and enforced, it makes them put their brakes on when they have an impulse to do something they shouldn’t do.  Getting practice controlling impulses and putting on the brakes builds the part of the brain that allows them to handle their emotions and make better choices.  It also builds resilience in them to be able to handle not getting their way and being able to tell themselves no.

GIVE ME THREE TAKEAWAYS PARENTS SHOULD ASK THEMSELVES WHEN THEY ARE DEALING WITH A CHILD THAT NEEDS CORRECTING.

1) Remember that discipline is about teaching.  Spanking has the potential to put the child’s attention on pain and their anger/fear of us, instead of the behavior and the change we’re aiming for.  Don’t just think about the punishment or the consequence; think about the goal or the lesson you’re trying to teach.  Then you can think about how you can teach that in the most loving and effective way that builds your relationship and the trust between you.

2) I realize that spanking may be effective in stopping certain bad behaviors.  But our ULTIMATE goal as parents is not to stop bad behavior in our kids.  The goal isn’t to keep them from doing bad things, but to help them grow up to be good people who choose to do the right thing out of internal motivation, not out of fear of punishment.  We can best do that by giving their upstairs brain practice.  We do this through asking them to reflect on their behavior, problem-solve about future situations, make amends, think about how their behavior affects others, etc.

3) Be emotionally responsive.  Whether you spank or not, remember that when we’re emotionally responsive and nurturing as parents (even when our children have misbehaved), we’re building the connections in their brain that allow them to make good decisions, control their emotions, and care about others.

Click here to view the embedded video.

There are far worse discipline tactics than time-outs, but I think that there are some alternatives that can be better in certain situations.  Few children actually use their time-out time to reflect or calm down; in fact, it can even cause them to get more upset, depending on the child.  I prefer some other approaches that require my kids to get more practice using the problem-solving, empathetic, choice-making part of their brains:

• A “re-do.”  One way I do this is by saying “Stop, please.  Now go out of the room and then come back in and ask me the right way,” or, “I’m going to take that toy, and save it for you when you’re ready to play with it nicely.  Just let me know when you are ready.”  Sometimes I even say, “I know you know how to do this the right way.  I’m going to give you a do-over.”  Not only does this approach address what your child has done wrong, it (more importantly) gives them practice at doing something right.
• Ask questions about intent.  Sometimes misbehavior occurs when a child is trying to make something happen, and goes about it poorly.  By asking “Is that what you meant to happen?” or “What could you do differently next time?” you can get at motives and intent.  For example, if your child really wants another child to play with them, and the other child is not interested, your child might grab the other child’s shirt to make them play.  This would be a good time to ask these questions and talk with your child.
• Encourage them to repair the situation:  Ask, “How can you make it right?” or “How can you show your sister that you’re really sorry?” or “How can you help your friend feel better?” This gives them practice at thinking about how their actions affect others, and how to begin to think about how other people feel.
• Ask them to help you solve the problem:  “I’m not sure that taking the car out of his hand is the best thing to do.  But how we are going to solve this?  You want to play with the car, and your friend wants to play with the car. . . hmmm.  Do you have any ideas?”  This gives them problem-solving practice, as well as giving them a little choice, instead of hearing “Share!”  commanded all the time.
• For older kids,  earning privileges for good behavior works really well as well (like a family walk, getting to choose what’s for dinner, getting to choose where they sit at the table, getting a game time or longer reading time with a parent, or other things that are important to them).

Clear and consistent boundaries are, of course, very important when it comes to good parenting.  The question is how to most effectively set and communicate those boundaries.  I’m not saying not to use time-outs.  But I do think that lots of time (and possibly even most of the time), we can find more productive and effective ways to respond to our kids’ misbehavior.

[Update:  I've spelled out some of my main reasons for not being a fan of time-outs here.]