Posts Tagged ‘time outs’

• On Spanking: Hoping for a More Sophisticated Discussion

  Date: 2012.01.29 | Category: Parenting, The Brain | Response: 0

  Last week Dr. Drew Pinsky asked me to come on his show “Life Changers” to discuss spanking as a discipline approach.  I ended up getting to say only a minute fraction of what I wanted to say about this polarizing discipline strategy, so I decided to share some of my thoughts here.

  The parents I’ve talked to about spanking are almost always very strong in their position, but they avoid talking about it with other parents, and when the discussion begins, it’s almost never a respectful, open conversation among people who really are willing to listen to the other side.

  I feel compelled to really have those conversations, so I’ll be doing more of this in the coming months, both informally at the park and on the ballfield, and also publicly in various formats.  In order to get the ball rolling, what you’ll see below are my answers to the questions Dr. Drew’s producer asked me in our pre-show correspondence.

   

  WHERE DO YOU STAND ON THE DEBATE OF TO SPANK OR NOT TO SPANK?

  Anyone who’s heard me speak knows that I am really big on boundaries and on parents being authority figures.  And still, I am against spanking.  I think that using physical force, particularly against a child, is wrong.   The idea of inflicting physical (even minor) pain on a child is unsettling to me.  Beyond that, I firmly believe that when you understand how the brain works, you see that spanking is often counter-productive when it comes to teaching our kids the lessons we want them to learn.

  However, that being said, it’s not really all that simple.  Two particular points make the whole question about spanking a complex one in my mind.  The first is that there are really good, loving parents who spank.  I have friends who spank calmly and with nurturing conversations with their children regarding their discipline.  They are intentional about how and WHY they do it.  I know these parents well, and I’ve seen how great their kids are turning out, and how loved those kids feel.  So those of us who don’t spank need to avoid the temptation to caricature parents who use corporal punishment, seeing them as out-of-control child abusers whose kids will turn out to be violent monsters.

  The second point that complicates matters is that there are plenty of non-spanking discipline approaches that can be more damaging than spanking.  I know that I myself have been guilty of Read the rest of this entry »

  

• Five Reasons I’m Not a Fan of Time Outs

  Date: 2011.08.23 | Category: Parenting, The Brain | Response: 17

  More and more, I find myself questioning time outs as an effective discipline strategy.  I’ve written some about this already, but now I’d like to go into my reasons in a bit more depth.

  I know lots of loving parents who use time outs as their primary discipline technique.  I’m not saying that time outs are completely unhelpful; more that I don’t think they’re the best alternative we have when it comes to discipline—the goal of which, remember, is to teach.

   

  Reasons I’m Not a Fan of Time-Outs:

  #1.  What we know about the brain. 

  Because I know that brain connections are formed from repeated experiences, I don’t want my kids’ repeated experience to be isolation, which they may view as rejection, when they’ve made a mistake.

  What I DO want them to repeatedly experience is doing things the right way.  So, instead of a time out, I’ll often Read the rest of this entry »

  

• Do You Discipline on Auto-Pilot? (revised)

  Date: 2011.05.31 | Category: Parenting | Response: 14

  Auto-pilot may be a great tool when you’re flying a plane.  Just flip the switch, sit back and relax, and let the computer take you where it’s been pre-programmed to go.  Pretty great.

  But I’ve found that auto-pilot is not so great when I’m disciplining my children.  It can fly me straight into whatever dark and stormy cloudbank is looming, meaning my kids and I are all in for a bumpy ride.  So instead, I’m always working on DECIDING how I want to interact with my kids when I discipline them.

  For example, let’s talk about consequences.  For most parents, when we need to discipline our kids, the first question we ask ourselves is, “What consequence should I give?”  That’s our auto-pilot.  But through my years of parenting, I’ve begun to significantly re-think my use of consequences.

  My four-year-old, for instance, hit me the other day.  He was angry because I told him I needed to finish an email before I could play legos with him, and he came up and slapped me on the back.  (I’m always surprised that a person that small can inflict so much pain.)

  My immediate, auto-pilot reaction was to want to grab him, probably harder than I needed to, and Read the rest of this entry »

  

• Ask Tina: Should I Give My Daughter Time-Outs?

  Date: 2011.01.19 | Category: Ask Tina, Parenting | Response: 12

  In this video, Tina responds to a question about time-outs.

  httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zY3Qf2peOc

  

• Sick of Time-Outs?

  Date: 2010.11.11 | Category: Parenting | Response: 19

  [Update:  I've spelled out some of my main reasons for not being a fan of time-outs here.]

   

  There are far worse discipline tactics than time-outs, but I think that there are some alternatives that can be better in certain situations.  Few children actually use their time-out time to reflect or calm down; in fact, it can even cause them to get more upset, depending on the child.  I prefer some other approaches that require my kids to get more practice using the problem-solving, empathetic, choice-making part of their brains:

  • A “re-do.”  One way I do this is by saying “Stop, please.  Now go out of the room and Read the rest of this entry »