Since one-fourth of girls and one-sixth of boys are victims of sexual abuse, this isn’t something we should think we’re immune to.  Now is the time to educate yourself and empower your kids so they know how to respond if they’re in an inappropriate situation.  Talking to them won’t spoil the holiday spirit, and it will make you feel better knowing that you’ve begun these important conversations.

Don’t know what to say?  Don’t want to scare them?  I’ve got help for you.  In the video below, Greg and I visit with Pattie Fitzgerald, founder of Safely Ever After, Inc., about how to not only keep our kids safe, but empower them against sexual abuse.  Also, here’s an article I wrote about the subject in the past.

Why not?

For some, it’s because they don’t think it could happen.  But research shows that it’s irresponsible to think that any young woman is immune to partner abuse.  In fact, while statistics vary, estimates indicate that as many as half of women will be victims of domestic violence at some point.  So please don’t say, “It couldn’t happen to my girl.”

Other parents avoid the subject because they feel they simply don’t have enough knowledge to know how to address the situation.  So let’s talk about some ways you can arm your daughter against an abusive romantic relationship.

Teach her that she’s a strong, competent individual.

Build your daughter’s sense of self-worth and confidence.  You can do this in many different ways:  give her opportunities to tackle challenges, to be good at something, and to solve problems without being rescued by you too quickly.  Find ways to foster her belief in herself and her abilities, and in what she can accomplish.

When you do this, you will empower her.  Girls are still often socialized to “make nice.” They’re supposed to get along, and to avoid ruffling feathers.  Teach your daughter that she has a powerful “NO!” and that she doesn’t have to put up with anything that isn’t respectful and loving.  Focus less on convincing her not to hurt other people’s feelings, and more on helping her believe that she can always choose what’s good and healthy for herself.

Teach her how to set standards and choose a great partner.

Look, you talk to your daughter about setting goals and having standards for the kinds of friends she has, for the grades she wants to get, for the college she’ll choose.  Teach her as well that she can set the bar for what kind of partner she chooses.  Even before she begins to date, you should talk to her about setting standards for any relationship she’s involved in.  As she grows, you can even share with her a little bit about your own standards you had (or didn’t have) and where it got you.  One of the best things to teach is how to evaluate a potential partner.  Have her watch the way someone treats others, and help her understand that that’s a good indication of how she’ll be treated down the road.

Teach her to watch for red flags.

Knowledge is power.  Teach your daughter to watch for these warning signs of domestic violence:

• Controlling behavior:  Domestic violence doesn’t usually start with physical violence.  Typically, the abuser will begin to find ways to manipulate or control a victim:  isolating her from her friends and family, controlling what she wears, stipulating where she goes and who she talks to.  This is a major red flag that indicates the potential for domestic violence.
• Emotional abuse:  Physical violence is often just around the corner when a partner begins degrading a person, calling her names, treating her disrespectfully, and harshly criticizing her.
• A violent temper.  Someone who easily flies off the handle and uses violence to deal with his problems can easily choose to display that same violence in a relationship.  This especially applies if he is already demonstrating violence and disrespect towards his family and friends.
• The cycle of violence. There’s a pattern—the cycle of violence—that regularly appears in abusive relationships.  It begins with “the escalating phase” (typified by anger, arguing, blaming, controlling); then moves to “the violent phase” (where the victim is physically attacked); then to “the remorse phase” (where the abuser cries, begs for forgiveness, vows to change, etc); then starts all over once the victim takes the abuser back.  Help your daughter understand the danger in allowing herself to be treated badly the first time, so she won’t become trapped in the cycle of violence.

Teach her that she can always come to you and tell you anything.

As parents, we hope our children know this truth, but we have to tell them.  Often.  Check in with her and know the people she’s friends with.  Get to know them, along with the people she dates.  Make sure she knows that there are other adults besides you she can talk to if she needs to.  But most of all, make sure that there’s no doubt in her mind that if she needs help, you will always be there for her.

[Update:  I recently discussed this subject more fully on the web show I co-host, "The Intentional Parent."  Click here to see the episode.]

Some friends and I recently discussed a news story about a little girl who had been abducted from her home, sexually assaulted, and murdered by a registered sex offender.  As we talked, it was apparent that we all struggle with whether, when, and how to talk to our small children about sexual abuse. Because it’s such a difficult thing to think about, and because we’re typically not very educated about sexual abuse ourselves, we often feel unsure about how to approach the topic with our kids.

But we really have to.  Silence puts them at risk.

So let me give you some quick information about sexual abuse in general, and then I’ll make some suggestions about proactively preventing it.  It’s our job to empower our kids against sexual abuse, and knowledge—both our own, and theirs—is crucial.

Factors Associated with Child Sexual Abuse:

1. Perpetrators:  Though we all fear a stranger grabbing our kids and molesting them, this is isn’t really very common.  80% of offenders are known to the child:  a family member, authority figure, or acquaintance.  So even though it’s alarming that there are 64 registered sex offenders within a two-mile radius of the preschool my son presently attends, he is more likely to be abused by someone he knows.  Most perpetrators are smart, likeable, and good with children; they find ways to gain access to children by working in or volunteering in roles that will allow them to be around kids.  Single moms with daughters are particularly at risk because perpetrators seek out relationships with these mothers to gain access to their daughters.
2. Context of Sexual Abuse:  Because most perpetrators are known by the victim, abuse occurs in the context of the victim trusting the perpetrator, where the perpetrator entices the child (by telling them “you are special,” or by providing special treats or privileges).  The offender then persuades the child to keep the secret.  The victim may want to please the perpetrator (who is trusted), or the perpetrator may threaten the child that if they tell they’ll get in trouble or never see their mom again.
3. Preconditions for Sexual Abuse to Occur:  For a perpetrator to abuse, four preconditions must be met:

• A motivation to abuse.  A perpetrator must be sexually interested in children (which can happen for a number of reasons).
• The overcoming of internal obstacles, like empathy, or the fear of getting caught.
• The overcoming of external obstacles.  Parental supervision must be absent, and the right location must be found.
• The overcoming of the resistance of the child victim.

Look at these preconditions.  Notice that we can’t do anything about the first two.  And the third one we can control only to a certain degree.  We can be careful about who we leave our children with, but even when we are zealous, we can’t be with our kids every minute.

It’s therefore very important that we really work on the fourth precondition and arm our kids in a way that perpetrators can’t overcome their resistance.  The children least vulnerable to sexual abuse are the ones who receive emotional and physical closeness to their caregivers and who are informed about the privacy of their own body and empowered to say no.

So how do we inform and empower our kids?

Protecting our children by making them aware is definitely a challenge because we want to inform them without scaring them.  Here are some suggestions to help you talk to your youngster.  As they get older, other types of prevention and discussion will probably be necessary.

1. Give children permission to own their own bodies and to respect the privacy of other people’s bodies. This can come up naturally, like when they’re in the tub.  Explain that it’s OK for them to touch their own bodies, but that no one else should touch anyone else’s private parts (which can be described as the places that their bathing suit covers) unless it’s the doctor when Mom or Dad is there too.  Likewise, don’t force them to give hugs, so they get the message that touching should never be coercive or forced.
2. Focus on personal safety by talking about how to keep our bodies safe. If you approach the topic by talking about how we keep our bodies safe (using seatbelts, wearing sunscreen, wearing bike helmets), then teaching “touching safety” can follow naturally.  Then you can play a “what if” game that they’ll love:  “What if you wanted to ride your bike but couldn’t find your helmet?”  “What if the babysitter tried to touch your private parts?” “What if you hurt your private parts—could the doctor touch you?”  Then brainstorm problem-solving with them by asking “Then what would you do? What’s something you could say?”  They’ll enjoy asking you some “what if” scenarios, too.
3. Make it explicit that they can always tell you anything. Often perpetrators can continue to abuse because the child feels guilty about accepting some sort of bribe and feels they are to blame and that they will get in trouble.  Perpetrators play up this fear.  If we consistently tell our kids that we’ll always love them, even when they make bad choices, they’ll feel more freedom to come to us.
4. Discourage secrets by distinguishing between secrets and surprises. Unlike a secret, which you’re never supposed to tell, a surprise is something you’re waiting to tell at the right time (like what we got Grandpa for Christmas), and that makes someone happy.  Children need to be explicitly told that if anyone tells them to keep a secret from their parents, they should tell their parents immediately.
5. Be aware that children have wonderful instincts. If your child is uncomfortable with someone or a situation, listen to and believe them.  Teach your child that if they feel uncomfortable with someone that they should tell you. And we should stay very tuned in to our own instincts as well.
6. Keep the discussion going.  One conversation won’t do it.  You’ll need to talk to your kids many times, so watch for frequent opportunities to bring up the subject naturally, like when they’re using the toilet, taking a bath, visiting the doctor, etc.

Let me say in closing that I know that conversations like these can be difficult, even confusing—for both you and your child.  But it really is crucial that you arm them with the knowledge that can protect them.  And you don’t have to make it a “Let’s sit down and have a serious talk” talk.  Just give them the information the way you teach them about anything else that matters, like brushing their teeth or following through on their serve.  Let it be information that they know and can use, and let that knowledge serve as a protective power.

[Some of this information was obtained from the following sites, which I recommend: darkness2light.org, cfchildren.org, and theparentreport.com.]

When our kids are developmentally ready for a particular topic, and/or they could be exposed to it at school or somewhere else, parents should open the door to conversation about the topic. Let’s continue with the topic of masturbation for argument’s sake. For sure by junior high, if not before, kids will hear about masturbation. If parents have never talked to their child about it by then, but they’ve heard someone talking about it, the child will be forced to draw one of a few conclusions:

1) My parents don’t know about this and can’t shed light on any questions I have;

2) My parents didn’t talk to me about this because they don’t want to talk about it (either they’re uncomfortable talking about it, it’s not something that should be asked about, or they don’t think I should know anything about it); or

3) It’s something embarrassing or shameful and they might think there’s something wrong with me if I ask questions about it or talk about it.

Silence can communicate loudly. When we’re silent about issues with our kids and they know about the topic or have heard about it, we’ve communicated a lot. We’ve told them clearly, “This is something we don’t talk about.”

It’s important to explicitly tell our kids, “You can always talk to me or ask questions about ANYTHING.” But it’s also important to be one step ahead and pay attention to what we ought to be explicitly explaining, or at least opening the door to in our conversations. This is best done when topics come up naturally. If your child hears something on the news or overhears someone making a racist joke, take the moment to ask them what they think, what they noticed, to tell them your feelings and values, to ask them what they would do if different situations arise.

The more we lay this groundwork for open communication, the better the chances are that our kids will really talk to us and that we’ll be able to help them when difficult situations come up in the future.