Posts Tagged ‘helping kids make good choices’

• If I Could Tell You Only One Thing about Discipline

  Date: 2011.08.09 | Category: Parenting, The Brain | Response: 15

  Discipline is a complex and complicated subject.  I could write a whole book about it.  In fact, I’ve already started working on one.

  But when we talk about effective discipline and how parents can achieve the results they want when they interact with their kids, it can actually be it pretty simple.  If it were a math formula, it would look like this:

   

  WARMTH  +  AUTHORITY  =  EFFECTIVE DISCIPLINE

   

  The research is really clear on this point.  Kids who achieve the best outcomes in life – emotionally, educationally, and relationally – have parents who raise them with a high degree of warmth and nurturing, or what I like to call emotional responsiveness, as well as a high degree of authority, where clear boundaries are communicated and enforced.  Their parents remain firm and consistent in their boundaries, while still interacting with them in a way that communicates love, respect, and compassion.  Warmth and authority are the two sides of the effective-discipline coin.

   

  The first side of the discipline coin:  Warmth

  When we nurture our children and attune to their internal world, we allow them to know and believe that they are seen, heard, loved, and approved of by their parents.  Then they’ll interact with the world around them based on that belief, so that their brains are wired to expect that their needs will be met in intimate relationships.  On the other hand, if a parent repeatedly Read the rest of this entry »

  

• To Sticker or Not to Sticker

  Date: 2011.07.19 | Category: Parenting, The Brain | Response: 12

  One question I get asked from time to time is how I feel about using rewards and incentives to motivate kids to do what we want them to do.  You know the drill:  You set up a system where, for every day your daughter practices her piano, she gets a sticker, and once she earns a certain number of stickers, she gets a special treat or privilege.

  When I ask parents why they feel reluctant about using an incentive system like this, they usually name one or more of these reasons:

  • “Rewards are externally based, and I want my kids to choose to do the right thing because they’re internally motivated.”
  • “I’m afraid my children will become addicted to getting rewarded for every little thing.”
  • “I don’t want to reinforce materialism by giving my kids more things.”
  • “Why should I reward them for doing what they should be doing anyway?”
  • “They’ll expect to receive external rewards or everything they ever accomplish in life.  I’ll have to give them a reward for doing whatever it is forever!”

  I understand these fears, and I applaud parents for being so intentional about what they’re conditioning their kids to expect.  But I’m actually Read the rest of this entry »

  

• Give Your Toddler or Preschooler a Little Power (revised)

  Date: 2011.06.29 | Category: Parenting | Response: 15

  Toddlers and preschoolers see their grown-ups and older siblings doing everything so easily.  It can be frustrating and discouraging for these little ones to try and try, and not be able to do what they see everyone else doing.

  Knowing that self-esteem can come from being competent at something, there are several ways we can empower our toddlers and preschoolers and give them opportunities to feel capable and competent:

   

  Let them do things for themselves.

  Sometimes it’s hard for a parent not to step in and quickly do something a child is trying to do.  Especially if the child is taking a long time to, say, figure out how all of the chalk pieces will go back into the box.  (Sometimes I want to pull my hair out when I’m watching my own four-year-old meticulously try to fix the Velcro fastener on the back of his Read the rest of this entry »

  

• Ask Tina: My Child is Lying to Me. How Worried Should I Be?

  Date: 2011.02.01 | Category: Ask Tina, Parenting | Response: 14

  Q:  My almost-five-year-old son is starting to lie.  I’m worried that this is starting a terrible pattern, and I don’t know how to handle the situation.  I’m just really upset because I’ve always stressed how important it is to tell the truth.

  A:  First, take a deep breath.  This isn’t anything to worry about.  Most kids tell fibs at this age.  In fact, lying is developmentally normal and is actually evidence of a developing conscience and moral code.  He knows what he’s done is wrong, so he lies to avoid being bad or to avoid getting in trouble or losing your approval.

  So now, let’s talk about how to respond.  When I know my son is lying, I try not to say ,“I don’t believe you.”  Instead, I say, “Why don’t you take a minute and think about what really happened and then tell me again.”  Sometimes I also say, “It’s really important that you tell me the truth and tell me what really happened so I can believe you when you tell me things.”  For smaller children, it’s even OK to sometimes simply say Read the rest of this entry »

  

• Give Preschoolers a Little Power

  Date: 2011.01.24 | Category: Parenting | Response: 13

  Toddlers and preschoolers see their grown-ups and older siblings doing everything so easily.  It can be frustrating and sad to try and try, and not be able to do what these little ones see everyone else  doing.  Knowing that self-esteem comes from being competent at something, there are several ways we can empower our preschoolers and give them opportunities to feel capable and competent.  Ask for their help:  “Can you help mommy put this lid on?  I can’t seem  to get it on.”  Or “Would you help me decide about whether we should eat outside or at the dining table?”

  We can also do what Pediatrician Harvey Karp calls “playing the boob.”   This is when we are purposefully incompetent so that they can jump in and help:  “I don’t know where this puzzle piece goes.  Hmmm.” Or we let them observe us struggling with something that they can easily accomplish, like trying to stack blocks.  Of course, we can also allow them to do things that they can do themselves, instead of doing everything for them.  Not only can they handle some responsibility, but it’s great for them.  Try to elicit their help or opinion at least once a day so that they feel like they’re a contributing member of the family, and that their abilities are important.  This will reduce their frustration while also building both competence and confidence.

  

• Cutting Our Kids (and Ourselves) Some Slack

  Date: 2011.01.20 | Category: Parenting, The Brain | Response: 11

  Try to remember that your child’s brain is still under construction.  They can’t be perfect all the time, yet without realizing it, we often expect perfection.  During times you feel increasingly frustrated with your child, remember that most of the time they are doing the best they can at that particular moment.  And be gracious with yourself, because you’re usually doing your best as well.  This doesn’t mean we don’t have high expectations for our kids, or that we don’t require them to be responsible and do what they’re supposed to do.  It also doesn’t mean we don’t take time to understand ourselves more deeply in order to parent more intentionally.  It just means that we need to be patient, understanding, and forgiving—with our children, and with ourselves.

  

• Talking To Your Kids About the Brain: Upstairs and Downstairs

  Date: 2011.01.17 | Category: Parenting, The Brain | Response: 16

  One thing I’ve learned over the last few years is that even young children are capable of understanding some important basics about the way their brain works.  It might seem strange to talk to kids about the brain – it is brain science, after all – but a little neuroscience presented in just the right way can give your children control over themselves.

  Here’s a way you might approach the topic of tantrums and other high-emotion moments.  Sit down with your child and use your own words to say something like this:

  Do you ever feel like a jack-in-the-box?  Where you get upset, then more and more upset, and it feels like someone’s winding your crank tighter and tighter, and before long you’re going to explode?  Think about a time when you did explode and make a bad decision because the pressure built up in you.  Tell me about it.

  In a moment like that, the downstairs part of your brain is Read the rest of this entry »

  

• Do You Rescue Your Child Too Much?

  Date: 2011.01.11 | Category: Parenting | Response: 15

  Resist the temptation to rescue your children every time they struggle.  Struggling a little bit, and having to learn to deal with difficult situations and emotions, is great for kids.  When they’re NOT given many opportunities to deal with disappointment about not getting their way, and not given opportunities to have to be flexible and figure out how to solve a problem, they’ll have trouble developing these skills.  It’s important that they practice giving in and being flexible to the needs of others in the family as well.  And as they get older, they should be given more and more chances to do this.

  Allowing our children to feel sadness, disappointment, resentment, and other tough feelings, allows them to develop empathy as they mature.  The next time they have a friend or sibling experience one of these emotions, they’ll have a much better feeling what it feels like.

  Another reason not to rescue too much or solve too quickly is that when we do, we are communicating with our actions that we don’t believe our kids can do it, or that Read the rest of this entry »

  

• Do You Do New Years Resolutions With Your Kids?

  Date: 2010.12.31 | Category: FKQ (Funny Kid Quote), Parenting | Response: 2

  Happy New Year to you.  I apologize for my recent blog absence.  I’m finally emerging from the intense demands of writing a book (while parenting 3 boys!).  I’m planning to post regularly this year, and share with you ways you can be intentional (and laugh) in this most-important job of raising children (and ourselves.)

  I’m not big on resolutions, since too often we ignore/forget our intentions.  (Or is it just that I’m too unresolved?)  I do like the idea of thinking some about what we want in the future, but I’d encourage you to link the activity to a different process I’m definitely big on:  reflection.  (I’ll be posting a video blog on reflection in the near future.)  As the new year begins, reflect on what your vision is for yourself and for your family.  What’s been working?  What isn’t working and needs an overhaul?

  A couple of my friends begin their new year by writing out a mission statement for their family, with objectives in various aspects of life (physical, intellectual, spiritual, recreational, etc.) and action steps to reach those goals.  I love that idea.

  But for now, for me, I will be reflecting on how to better balance nurturing each of my kids, my marriage, and myself.  I’ll help my kids reflect as well.  On a micro-level, I’ll ask them to reflect on their own behavior in a given moment and how others might feel in response.  On a macro-level, I’ll ask them to reflect on how they see themselves—as brothers, as friends, as sons, as people.

  And while I’m not making resolutions this year, I did ask my kids what they’d like to change or learn this year, and this is what I got: Read the rest of this entry »