That’s the gist of my new article at mom.me:

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I hear it from parents all the time.  They’ll come to my office and say, their voices full of frustration, “He’s capable of handling himself well.  He does it at school and usually at home.  But then there are times he just acts so immature and freaks out.”

Sound familiar?  Does to me, too.  In fact, it sounds just like my kids.

And like these parents, I’ll sometimes take the next, seemingly logical, step and assume that the fact that a child can often make good choices and handle herself well, means that she can always do so.

A father in my office last week described his daughter like this:  “She wants things her way.  And if things don’t go her way, she might lose it; and she could clearly make a better choice.  I know she can deal with stuff well, she just chooses not to.”

Again, this can seem like a logical conclusion.  But is it?  In other words, if a child often, or even usually, handles herself well, does that mean that when she doesn’t do so, she’s being manipulative or somehow choosing to make things hard on her parents so she can get her way?

Let’s apply it to ourselves.  Could someone say something similar about you as a parent?  “She’s capable of parenting well.  She does it lots of places, and usually she handles herself great at home.  But then there are times that she just acts so immature and freaks out.”  I don’t know about you, but if someone said that about me, my only response would be, “Guilty as charged.”

But obviously, you and I don’t have bad parenting moments because we’re intentionally acting belligerent so we can get our way.  Manipulation implies that we are calculating.  But when we mess up with our kids, it’s because the emotions get the best of us and we temporarily don’t act like the kind of parents we want to be.

You see the point I’m making.  Just because we parent well lots of times, doesn’t mean we can parent well all the time.  The way we handle ourselves really depends so much on

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Read the whole article here.

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I recently wrote about why we should be grateful when our little ones throw a tantrum. But aside from understanding that a tantrum is normal and even healthy, what else can we do when we’re actually in this kind of high-stress moment with our kids? I don’t believe parents should ignore a tantrum. When children are truly out of control, that’s when they need us the most. We still need to set clear boundaries, but our response should always be full of love, respect and patience.

Here are seven suggestions for dealing with a toddler’s tantrum:

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View the whole gallery here.

Yesterday I spent a fun hour with the delightful Richard Fidler on ABC Radio in Australia.

You can listen to it here.

Few experiences any of us undergo are as transformative as parenting.  By definition, parenting is about transformation.  One of our most important jobs as parents is to witness and influence the evolution of our children from wrinkly newborns with raw nervous systems into integrated, whole humans who know who they are and how to be in the world.  And parenting obviously transforms us as well.  There are smaller transformations—we learn to do most things “one-handed” while carrying a baby on our hip; we begin to eat at McDonalds; we memorize the names of dinosaurs; we learn to play video games again; we even buy a mini-van (which for some is a bigger transformation than for others).  And there are huge, life-changing transformations—we adjust our priorities; we make sacrifices that cost us greatly; we learn to live with worrying and “what ifs”; we forever expand our hearts.

Along the way, we become more creative than we ever knew possible.  I’m not talking about the creativity of artists, song-writers, or novelists.  I’m talking about the creativity that’s required for survival for anyone caring for children.  I knew I’d been forever transformed by my role as a parent when, in my attempt to get through to my non-compliant little streakers, creativity sprung forth from desperation and I made up a song with a chorus that began, “No naked butts on the furniture.”  (Unfortunately, it was so catchy that one day I actually found myself singing it in the car by myself.  As I said, parenting changes us.)

What’s more, transformation isn’t limited to people.  We can also use our creativity to transform moments, so that the situations and circumstances we face can change into something else.  Moments can be transformed for the worse, like when our downstairs brain shifts into overdrive and a sweet, bedtime cuddle turns into a fierce battle, complete with crying, wailing, and gnashing of teeth for all involved.   But likewise, we can transform moments for the good of ourselves and our children, so that an ordinary, everyday parenting challenge is converted into an opportunity for growth, connection, and relationship.  And to do this, it almost always requires creativity.

Creativity allows us to transform a battle and a disconnection into an opportunity to bond, to play, to teach, and even to develop the higher parts of our kids’ brains.  I don’t always achieve this lofty goal, but when I’m able to, I’m reminded of just how powerful it can be when we use our creativity to transform the moments we’re given.

For example, while eating at one of our favorite Mexican food restaurants, I noticed that my four-year-old had left the table and was standing behind a pillar about ten feet away.  As much as I love him, and as adorable as he is most of the time, when I saw his angry, defiant face coupled with his repeated tongue-thrusting aimed at our table, “adorable” wasn’t the a-word that came to my mind.  A few diners at surrounding tables noticed and looked at my husband and me to see how we were going to handle the situation.  In that moment, Scott and I felt the pressure and judgment of those watching and expecting us to lay down the law about manners at a restaurant.

I clearly saw two choices as I walked over and crouched down eye-level with my son.  Option #1:  I could go the traditional “Command and Demand” route and open with a clichéd threat uttered in a stern tone:  “Stop making faces, young man.  Go sit down and eat your lunch or you won’t get any dessert.”

At times Option #1 might be an appropriate parental response.  But knowing my little guy, this verbal and non-verbal confrontation would have triggered all kinds of reactive emotions in his downstairs brain —the part scientists call the reptilian brain—and he would have fought back like a reptile under attack.

Or, Option #2:  I could tap into his upstairs brain in an effort to get more of a thinking—as opposed to a fighting/reacting—response.

Now, I make plenty of mistakes as I parent my boys (as they’ll freely tell you).  But just the day before, I had given a lecture to a group of parents about the upstairs and downstairs brain, and about using everyday challenges—the survival moments—as opportunities to help our kids thrive.  So, luckily for my son, all of that was fresh in my mind.  I decided to choose Option #2.

I started with an observation:  “You look like you feel angry.  Is that right?”  (Remember, always connect before you redirect.)  He scrunched up his face in ferocity, stuck out his tongue again, and loudly proclaimed, “YES!”  I was actually relieved that he stopped there; it wouldn’t have been at all unlike him to add his latest favorite insult and call me “Fart-face Jones.”  (I swear I don’t know where they learn this stuff.)

I asked him what he felt angry about and discovered that he was furious that Scott had told him he needed to eat at least half of his quesadilla before he could have dessert.  I explained that I could see why that would be disappointing, and I said, “Well, Daddy’s really good at negotiating.  Decide what you think would be a fair amount to eat, and then go talk to him about it.  Let me know if you need help coming up with your plan.”  I tousled his hair, returned to the table, and watched his once-again adorable face show evidence of doing some hard thinking.  His upstairs brain was definitely engaged.  In fact, it was at war with his downstairs brain.  So far we had avoided a blow-up, but it still felt like a dangerous fuse might be burning within him.

Within fifteen seconds or so, my son returned and approached Scott with an angry tone of voice:  “Dad, I don’t want to eat half of my quesadilla.  AND I want dessert.”  Scott’s response perfectly dovetailed with my own: “Well, what do you think would be a fair amount?”

The answer came with slow, firm resolve:  “I’ve got one word for you:  Ten bites.”

What makes this un-mathematical response even funnier is that ten bites meant that he would eat well over half the quesadilla.  So Scott accepted the counter-offer, my son happily gobbled down ten bites and then his dessert, and the whole family (as well as the restaurant’s other patrons) got to enjoy our meals with no further incidents.  My son’s downstairs brain never fully took over, which, lucky for us, meant that his upstairs brain had won the day.

Again, Option #1 would have been perfectly fine, even appropriate.  But it also would have missed an opportunity.  My son would have missed a chance to see that relationships are about connection, communication, and compromise.  He would have missed a chance to feel empowered that he can make choices, affect his environment, and solve problems.  In short, he would have missed an opportunity to exercise and develop his upstairs brain.

And I hasten to point out that even though I chose Option #2, Scott and I still had to address the misbehavior part of the incident.  Once our son was more in control of himself, and could actually be receptive to what we had to say, we discussed the importance of being respectful and using good manners in a restaurant, even when he’s unhappy.

Challenge met, opportunity seized, moment transformed.  (This time, at least.)

As parents, we look for all kinds of ways to teach our children, to nurture their development.  And it’s great to take them to the museum, to piano lessons, to the observatory, to a baseball game.  But we also want to pay attention to the rich, minute-by-minute opportunities we’re given, and creatively transform these moments as well.  What this requires—and there are plenty of times when I’m not very good at doing it—is that we take ourselves off of auto-pilot and look at each moment with fresh eyes.  And though it isn’t easy by any stretch of the imagination, when we can step back and achieve a certain amount of critical distance from the situation at hand, that’s when we can begin to transform moments.  And really, that’s just about the most we can hope for as parents.  We can work hard to remain watchful for moments—hundreds of moments, large and small, throughout the day—and transform them, and allow them to transform us and our kids as well.

I know lots of loving parents who use time outs as their primary discipline technique.  I’m not saying that time outs are completely unhelpful; more that I don’t think they’re the best alternative we have when it comes to discipline—the goal of which, remember, is to teach.

Reasons I’m Not a Fan of Time-Outs:

#1.  What we know about the brain. 

Because I know that brain connections are formed from repeated experiences, I don’t want my kids’ repeated experience to be isolation, which they may view as rejection, when they’ve made a mistake.

What I DO want them to repeatedly experience is doing things the right way.  So, instead of a time out, I’ll often ask my kids to practice good behavior.  If they’re being disrespectful in their tone and communication, I might ask them to try it again and say it respectfully.  If they’ve been mean to their brother, I might ask them to find three kind things to do for him before bedtime.  That way, the repeated experience of positive behavior is getting wired in their brain.

#2.  False advertising and missed opportunities. 

What’s the point or the goal for a time out?  It’s supposed to be for a child to calm down and reflect on his or her behavior.  In my experience, time outs frequently just make children more angry .  And how often do you think kids use their time out to reflect on their behavior?  I’ve got news for you:  The main thing they’re reflecting on is how mean parents are.

When they’re reflecting on their horrible luck to have such a mean, unfair parent, they’re missing out on an opportunity to have experiences of building insight, empathy, and problem-solving.  Putting them in time out misses a chance for them to practice being active decision-makers who are empowered to figure things out.  We want to give them practice at being problem-solvers, and at making good choices.  You can do your kids a lot of good by simply asking, “What are you going to do to make it better and solve this problem?”  Given the chance once they’re calm, they’ll usually do the right thing, and learn in the process.

#3.  Time outs often aren’t linked to the misbehavior.

Usually, we want to choose consequences that are directly and logically connected to the misbehavior.  Using a broom to whack the TV means the broom is put away until the child can make appropriate choices with it again.  Riding a bike without a helmet means no riding for a few days.

Time outs, though, often don’t relate in any clear way to a child’s bad decision or out-of-control reaction.  As a result, they’re often not as effective in terms of changing behavior.

#4.  Time outs are too often used as punishment, as opposed to a teaching tool.

Even when parents have good intentions, time outs are often used inappropriately.  The idea behind time outs is to give kids a chance to calm down and pull themselves together.  Then they can move from their internal chaos into calm.

But much of the time, parents use time outs punitively.  The goal isn’t to help the child return to her calm baseline, but to punish her for some misbehavior.  The calming, teaching aspect of the consequence gets totally lost.

#5.  Kids need connection. 

Often, misbehavior is a result of a child inappropriately expressing a need or a big feeling.  She may be hungry or tired, or maybe there’s some other reason she’s incapable in that moment of controlling herself and making a good decision.

Like, maybe she’s three, and her brain isn’t sophisticated enough to say, “Mother dear, I’m feeling frustrated that we’re out of my favorite juice, and I’d like to respectfully request that you put it on your grocery list.”  So instead, doing her best to express her crushing disappointment, she begins throwing toys at you.

It’s during these times that she most needs our comfort and calm presence.  Forcing her to go off and sit by herself can feel like abandonment to the child, especially if she’s feeling out of control already.  It may even send the subtle message that when she isn’t perfect, you don’t want to be near her.

Again, if done appropriately with loving connection, such as sitting with the child and talking or comforting – often called a “time-in” – some time to calm down can be helpful for children.  But there are often more nurturing and effective ways to respond to kids than to give them a time out.

But when we talk about effective discipline and how parents can achieve the results they want when they interact with their kids, it can actually be it pretty simple.  If it were a math formula, it would look like this:

WARMTH  +  AUTHORITY  =  EFFECTIVE DISCIPLINE

The research is really clear on this point.  Kids who achieve the best outcomes in life – emotionally, educationally, and relationally – have parents who raise them with a high degree of warmth and nurturing, or what I like to call emotional responsiveness, as well as a high degree of authority, where clear boundaries are communicated and enforced.  Their parents remain firm and consistent in their boundaries, while still interacting with them in a way that communicates love, respect, and compassion.  Warmth and authority are the two sides of the effective-discipline coin.

The first side of the discipline coin:  Warmth

When we nurture our children and attune to their internal world, we allow them to know and believe that they are seen, heard, loved, and approved of by their parents.  Then they’ll interact with the world around them based on that belief, so that their brains are wired to expect that their needs will be met in intimate relationships.  On the other hand, if a parent repeatedly shames and criticizes his or her child, then the child learns that relationships are based on power and control.  He will store up all kinds of negative emotions that will be expressed either externally through bullying and aggression, or internally through depression or anxiety, but either way he’ll be forced to seek bigger and bigger ways to get his needs met.  His brain won’t develop in ways that make it easy to problem-solve and reflect on his experiences; instead, he’ll most likely live his life reacting.  He’ll operate from a primitive reactive brain, instead of a thoughtful proactive brain.

It’s absolutely vital that parents nurture their children and do all that they can to offer them love, compassion, and understanding by consistently meeting their needs, even when the kids are difficult and act out with “bad” behavior.

The second side of the discipline coin:  Authority

It’s just as vital, though, that parents remain the authority in their relationship with their children.  Kids need boundaries so they can understand the way the world works, and what’s permissible, versus what crosses a line.  A clear understanding of rules and boundaries helps them achieve success in relationships and other areas of their lives.  Our children need repeated experiences that allow them to develop wiring in their brain that helps them delay gratification, flexibly deal with not getting things their way, and contain urges to react aggressively toward others..  By saying “no” and drawing boundaries for our children, we’ll help them know that rules exist that offer safety and predictability in an otherwise chaotic world.

Discipline as a Two-Step Process

Emotional responsiveness plus authority.  They go hand in hand, and when we discipline, we need to communicate both to our children.  You can think of it as a two-step process that can happen in either order.   You provide boundaries in a matter-of-fact tone:  “You know the rule about wearing your helmet, and I’m sorry, but you broke that rule, so now the skateboard can’t be ridden for the rest of the week.”  And, you offer empathy regarding the emotional effect of the consequences:  “I know that my taking your skateboard away makes you really sad.”  You can even combine the two steps with a statement like, “I’m letting you face your consequence because I love you, and it’s my job to teach you about being safe and how to be a responsible person.”

We want our kids to learn that relationships are about respect, nurturing, warmth, consideration, cooperation, and respecting other people.  When we interact with them from a perspective of both warmth and authority – in other words, when we repeatedly pay attention to their internal world, while also holding to standards about their behavior – these are the lessons they’ll learn.

I’ll close by emphasizing the point that was a bit of a revelation to me when I first understood it in relation to my parenting:  It really is possible to be calm and loving, and to connect with our children emotionally, while disciplining them and setting clear boundaries.  I don’t always do it, and neither will you.  But it’s important, and it’s healthy and helpful for everyone involved, when we combine clear and consistent consequences with loving empathy.

[This is a revised version of the first article in a two-part series.  Click here to see the second four mistakes.]

Because we’re always parenting our children, it takes real effort to look at our discipline strategies objectively.  Good intentions can become less-than-effective habits quickly, and that can leave us operating blindly, disciplining in ways we might not if we thought much about it.  Here are some parenting mistakes made by even the best-intentioned, most well-informed parents, along with practical suggestions that might come in handy the next time you find yourself in one of these situations.

Common Discipline Mistake #1:  We lay down the law in an emotional moment, then realize we’ve overreacted.

Have you reacted in a way that was a bit “supersized” for the behavior you were trying to address?  Maybe your child’s actions didn’t warrant such a dramatic pronoucement:  “You can’t go swimming for the rest of the summer!”  Or maybe the consequences even had to do with something you were counting on:  “Stop calling your brother names or you can’t go to Grandma’s house today.”  Of course, she again calls him “stinky-head” and calls your bluff.  Your options at this point are to either miss your lunch with your friends or show your child that you don’t mean what you say.

In these moments, give yourself permission to rectify the situation.  Obviously, follow-through is important once you’ve set boundaries; otherwise, you’ll lose credibility in your child’s eyes and your child will not have the security of knowing where the limits are.  But there are ways to be consistent and still get out of the bind you’re in.  For example, give your child one more chance to make a good choice.  The “one more chance” card can’t be played too often or your child will start to count on it; but if you maintain clear boundaries in the situation, there’s nothing wrong with saying, “I didn’t like what you did, but I’m going to give you another try at handling things the right way.”

With an older child, it’s even OK—and sometimes healthy and actually important—to admit that you overreacted and apologize.  Then you can go back and still address her behavior, and you can offer new and more appropriate boundaries.

The point is that once you realize that you’ve made a mistake, there’s nothing wrong with going back and trying to make things right.  After all, isn’t that a good thing to model for them?

Common Discipline Mistake #2:  Our discipline becomes consequence-based instead of teaching-based.

The goal of discipline is not to make sure that each infraction is immediately met with a consequence.  The real goal is to teach our children how to live well in the world.  But many times we discipline on auto-pilot, and we focus so much on the consequences that they become the end goal, the entire focus.

So when you discipline, ask yourself what your real objective is.  Yes, you want to be consistent.  But don’t confuse consistency with rigidity.  There may be times you decide to offer your child a “do-over” because having them respond in an appropriate manner will teach them more than punishing them for their inappropriate actions.  Likewise, the opposite may be true.  You may decide to refuse a second chance, simply because you want the lesson to be that sometimes there are natural consequences even when we apologize.  (“Sorry” doesn’t fix the broken Buzz Lightyear nightlight that was thrown in anger.  An apology and buying a new nightlight with his own money might teach more.)

So the next time you respond to a misbehavior, don’t discipline just to discipline.  Do it to teach, and to help your kid move more towards being a person who handles himself well and makes good choices.

Common Discipline Mistake #3:  We think that if we’re disciplining, we can’t be warm and nurturing.

It really is possible to be calm and loving and nurturing while disciplining your child.  In fact, it’s very healthy, and even important, to combine clear and consistent boundaries with loving empathy.  Don’t underestimate how powerful a kind tone of voice can be as you have a conversation with your child about the behavior you’re wanting to change.  Find out more about WHY they did what they did and talk about how to do things differently.  If the behavior persists, you may need to think of ways to encourage your child to make different choices.  There are many ways to do this that don’t require taking things away, but if you find that you need to remove a privilege, do it in a way that’s considerate and warm.  (If you are punitive and “mean” in your tone, your child will focus on YOUR bad behavior and not on their own!)

Here’s how setting a limit and warmth can go together:  think of it as a two-step process.  First, you provide boundaries in a matter-of-fact tone:  “You know the rule about wearing your helmet, and we talked about how bike riding is a privilege that comes with responsibilities.  You broke the helmet rule, so the bike will stay in the garage tomorrow and you’ll be more likely to remember how important the helmet is next time you are deciding if you will wear it.”  Then second, you offer empathy regarding the emotional effect of the consequences:  “I know that losing the privilege of riding tomorrow is disappointing.”  You can even combine the two steps with a statement like, “I’m making this decision about the bike because I love you and it’s my job to teach you about being safe and how to be responsible.”

Ultimately, you’re trying to remain firm and consistent in your discipline, while still interacting with your child in a way that communicates warmth, love, respect, and compassion.  These two aspects of parenting can and should coexist.

Common Discipline Mistake #4:  We forget that our children may sometimes need our help making good choices or calming themselves down.

The temptation, when our kids begin to get out of control, is to demand that they “stop that right now.”  But sometimes, especially in the case of small children, they actually may not even be capable of immediately calming themselves down.  That means that you may need to step in and help them make good choices.

For example, when your three-year-old is throwing a tantrum and ripping books off the shelf, it may not be the best time to raise your voice and insist that he settle down.  Again, your goal with your discipline is to teach him, so do your best to recognize—and I know it’s hard to do in a high-emotion situation—that your little “angel” is nowhere near an emotional state of being receptive to learning.

So instead, help him calm down; it doesn’t feel good to your child to be out of control.  You can scoop him up and hold him close, saying, “I know you’re really mad right now.  I will help you stop if you can’t stop yourself.  Let’s go see what’s over here!”  Use redirection and your right-brain faculties like bodily touch, voice inflection, and nonverbal cues and facial expressions, to help him understand that you’re aware of his frustration, to help calm him down, while stopping him from his tornado-style destruction.  This will help diffuse the meltdown, so that you can then begin to discipline once he’s receptive to learning.

Again, this is not about forgoing discipline or boundary-setting; it’s about being smarter and more loving in the way we go about it.

[This is the first in a two-part series.  Click here to see the second four mistakes.]

[This is a revision of the second article in a two-part series.  Click here to see the first four mistakes.]

Here are more discipline mistakes made by even the best-intending, most well-informed parents, along with practical suggestions that might come in handy the next time you find yourself in one of these situations.

Common Discipline Mistake #5:  We get trapped in power struggles.

Everyone says to avoid power struggles.  But no one seems to tell us what to do once we’ve gotten ourselves into an inevitable one.  And when our kids feel backed into a corner, they instinctually fight back or totally shut down.  So here are three ways to help you get out of those lose-lose power struggles you sometimes find yourself in.

A.  Give your child an out or a choice that allows her to comply with your expectations, while still saving face:  “Would you like to get a drink first, and then we’ll pick up the toys?”  The phrase “It’s your choice” can be a powerful tool to wield, since it gives your child some amount of power, which can often diffuse stand-offs.  So maybe you ask, “Would you like to get ready for bed now and read four bedtime stories tonight, or play 10 minutes longer and read two stories?  It’s your choice.”  (If she chooses fewer stories, it’s a good idea to remind her several times before story-time about her choice.)

B.  Negotiate:  “We’re not really getting anywhere here, are we?  Let’s see if we can figure out a way for both of us to get what we need.”  Obviously, there are some non-negotiable issues, but negotiation isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of respect for your child and his desires.  It teaches him important skills about considering not only what he wants, but also what others want; and it’s a lot more effective in the long run than bullying or simply arguing with him.

C. Ask your child for help:  “Do you have any suggestions?”  You might be shocked to find out how much they are willing to bend and bring about a peaceful resolution to the standoff.  Recently, my 4-year-old HAD to have fruit snacks at 9:30 in the morning.  I told him he could have it after lunch, but he didn’t really like my plan.  He started to whine and flop about, so I interrupted him and said, “I know you’re really sad about not getting the treat now.  Do you have any ideas?”  His eyes got big with excitement and I could see his little cognitive wheels turning.  He called out, “I know!  I can have one now and save the rest for after lunch!”  He felt empowered, the power struggle was averted, and I was able to give him an opportunity to solve a problem.  And all it cost me was allowing him to have one fruit snack.  Not such a big deal.

Common Discipline Mistake #6:  We let “experts” trump our own instincts.

By “experts,” I mean authors and other gurus, but also friends and family members who offer well-meaning (It is well-meaning, right?) advice on how to raise your kids. But it’s important that you not discipline your child based on what someone else thinks you ought to do.  So fill your discipline toolbox with information from lots of experts (and non-experts), then listen to your own instincts as you pick and choose different aspects of different approaches that seem to apply best to your situation with your family and your child.

Also, be aware of times you might be disciplining differently because you’re concerned about what someone else will think.  If you need to discipline in public or when others are watching, you might want to pull your child away from the crowd and deal with the situation quietly, or even leave the room, so you won’t be tempted to parent in a way that pleases those watchers.  Instead, you can focus on what your child needs from you in that moment.

Common Discipline Mistake #7:  We discipline in response to our habits and our own feelings instead of responding to our individual child in a particular moment.

We all do it from time to time, don’t we?  We let our own feelings and issues override our decision-making about what’s best for our kids.  And we know it’s not fair (though it’s completely understandable) that we lash out at one child because we’re so fed up with his brother who’s been acting up all morning.  Or we explode in anger simply because that’s the way we were parented or we don’t know what else to do.

Practically speaking, there’s no simple solution to this common discipline mistake. What’s called for is for us to reflect on our behavior, to really be in the moment with our children, and to respond only to what’s taking place in that instant.  This is one of the most difficult tasks of parenting, but the more we can do it, the better we can respond to our kids in loving ways.  It can be helpful to consider how our children are feeling when we act in these ways and to take care of ourselves.  Parenting is physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausting because it requires so much, so much of the time.  Taking care of yourself is an essential part of parenting well.

Common Discipline Mistake #8:  We confuse consistency with rigidity.

Consistency means working from a reliable and coherent philosophy so that our kids know what we expect of them, and what they should expect from us.  It doesn’t mean maintaining an unswerving devotion to some sort of arbitrary set of rules.  This means that sometimes you might make exceptions to the rules, turn a blind eye to some sort of minor infraction, or “cut the kid some slack.”

There may be times, then, that we should wait before responding to misbehavior.  For example, when our kids are out of control—when we see that they’re becoming an emotional tsunami —that may not be the best time to rigidly enforce a rule we’d enforce under different circumstances.  When the child is calmer and more receptive, he’ll be better able to learn the lesson anyway.

Recently, for instance, our 4-year-old has been insane at bedtime.  In response to our cajoling he’ll often say something like, “Well, I’ll come find you and kick your eye!” (I often have to hide my smile as his anger and threats end up sounding more funny than ominous.)  We’ve found that our usual strategies—trying to talk to him, offering incentives, redirecting him—haven’t been working.

So two nights ago I tried to simply avoid the situation.  As he began to argue from his bed, I said, “I love you.  Goodnight,” and left the room.  Amazingly, it actually worked!  (Apparently it never crossed the poor little dude’s mind to actually get back up out of bed.)  So then, yesterday, when he was in a great mood, I addressed the situation and told him I didn’t like the way he had been acting at bedtime, and we did some problem-solving.  He went to bed beautifully last night.  We’ll see how tonight goes. . .

In closing, let me emphasize that we’re all going to make mistakes while setting limits for our children.  But if we can discipline with consistent and clear boundaries, and with a high degree of nurturing and respect, then any mistakes we make will be clearly overshadowed by the reliability and love you offer your kids.

[This is a revision of the second article in a two-part series.  Click here to see the first four mistakes.]

WHAT IS SPOILING?  DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH MONEY SPENT?  TIME? NEVER SAYING NO? ALL OF THE ABOVE?

Let’s start with what spoiling is not:  Spoiling is NOT about how much love and time and attention you give your kids.  You can’t spoil your children by giving them too much of yourself.  In the same way, you can’t spoil a baby by holding her too much or responding to her needs each time she expresses them.

SO HOW DO WE SPOIL OUR KIDS?

The dictionary definition is “to ruin or do harm to the character or attitude by overindulgence or excessive praise.”  Spoiling can of course happen when we give our kids too much stuff or spend too much money or say yes all the time.   But it’s more than that.  It’s also about giving them the sense that the world and people around them will serve their whims.

Again, it’s impossible to spoil children with too much nurturing or love or attention or time.  Nurturing your relationship with your child or giving them a sense that they are entitled to your love and affection (or holding them when they’re little) is exactly what we should be doing.  In other words, we let them know that they can count on getting their NEEDS met.

Spoiling, on the other hand, occurs when parents (or other caregivers) create their child’s world in such a way that the child feels a sense of entitlement to getting their way, to getting what they WANT when they want it, and that everything should come easy to them.

We want our kids to expect that their NEEDS will always be met by us and by others.  We don’t want our kids to expect that their DESIRES AND WHIMS will always be met.

DO YOU BELIEVE MANY PARENTS TODAY “SPOIL” THEIR CHILDREN?  IS THIS DIFFERENT FROM PRIOR GENERATIONS?

I think this generation of parents is more likely to spoil their kids than previous generations.  One of the ways I see this most commonly is that parents shelter their children from having to struggle at all.  They overprotect them from disappointments or difficulties.   Parents often confuse indulgence and love.  If parents themselves had parents who weren’t emotionally responsive and affectionate, they may feel the need to do things differently.  That’s great.  But then, they give their children stuff and wait on them and shelter them from sadness, instead of indulging them with what really matters, and what kids really NEED:  love and connection and time.

WHAT DOES SPOILING TEACH A CHILD ABOUT THE WORLD AND ABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP TO HIS MOTHER AND FATHER?  WHAT IS THE TAKEAWAY ABOUT KEEPING THEM FROM BEING “SPOILED?”

There’s a reason we worry about spoiling our kids by giving them too much stuff.  When kids are given whatever they want all the time, they lose opportunities to build resilience and learn important life lessons:  about delaying gratification, about having to work for something, about dealing with disappointment.  Having a sense of entitlement, as opposed to an attitude of gratitude, can affect relationships in the future when the entitled mindset comes across to others.  So instead, we want to give our kids practice at having to delay gratification and even do without, so they can build resilience and learn to handle disappointment.

We also want them to have to deal emotionally with difficult experiences.  Some parents find their child’s unfinished homework on the kitchen table and complete it themselves before running it up to school in order to protect their child from having to face the consequences of a late assignment.  Or they call another parent to ask for an invitation to a birthday party that their child caught wind of, but was not invited to.  These responses create an expectation in the child that they will experience a utopia-like existence, and as a result, they may be unable to handle it when life doesn’t turn out so perfect.

CAN A CHILD BE SPOILED AT HOME AND HAVE IT NOT IMPACT HIS WORLD OUTSIDE OF THE HOME, WITH FRIENDS, TEACHERS, COACHES, AND DOWN THE ROAD, FUTURE ROMANTIC PARTNERS OR EMPLOYERS? OR WILL BEING SPOILED BLEED INTO OTHER AREAS OF A KID’S LIFE? (I THINK ABOUT THOSE CHILDREN WHO KEEP IT TOGETHER AT SCHOOL BUT ACT OUT AT HOME.)

See answer above regarding how it affects future relationships.  I think it usually bleeds into other areas because the repeated experiences that parents give their children wire their brains for what to expect in relationships, with authority figures, etc.  Now, if a coach or a teacher requires something different from the child and the child learns that with this one adult, they will have to work harder, they often will rise to the challenge.

AS PARENTS, I THINK MANY OF US INADVERTENTLY SPOIL OUR CHILDREN BECAUSE, OF COURSE, WE LOVE THEM AND WANT TO SHOWER THEM WITH LOVE, PRESENTS, AND ATTENTION, THEN SUDDENLY WE FIND OURSELVES IN AN UNPLEASANT SITUATION. WHAT DOES SPOILING DO TO US AS PARENTS? HOW DOES IT IMPACT OUR LIVES?

For parents, sometimes we rely on overindulgence or not saying no because it’s easier in the moment.  Other times we shower our kids with stuff (remember that showering with love and attention isn’t going to spoil, as long as we’re also willing to set limits or boundaries) because we enjoy it so much.  We just have to remember what is best for our kids in the long-run.

Saying yes to that second or third treat of the day may be easier in the short term because it avoids a meltdown or helps us survive the moment.  But then what about tomorrow?  Will treats be expected tomorrow as well?  The brain makes associations from all of our experiences.   Spoiling makes things harder on us as parents because we’re constantly having to deal with the demands or the meltdowns that result from times things don’t go our kids’ way.

Parents can start a new path by telling their child what’s going to change.  For example:  ”We’ve been watching a lot of TV each day, and it’s not really working for our family anymore.  We’re going to start a new plan on Monday.”  Then, follow through.

WHY DOESN’T SPOILING WORK? AS AN ADULT, IF SOMEONE GRANTED MY EVERY WISH, BOUGHT ME WHATEVER I WANTED, AND NEVER SAID NO TO ME, I THINK I’D BE PRETTY HAPPY. WHY ISN’T A 6 OR 10 OR 15 YEAR OLD HAPPY WHEN THEY ARE SPOILED?

They’re unhappy because people and their world turn out not to be so much at their disposal.  They have a harder time enjoying the smaller joys and the triumph of creating their own world if others have always done it for them.  True confidence and competence come not from succeeding at getting what we want, but from our own accomplishments and achieving mastery of something on our own.

Further, if a child hasn’t had practice dealing with the emotions that come with not getting what they want and then adapting their attitude and comforting themselves, then it’s going to be quite difficult to do so later when disappointments get bigger.

Depending on the age, I think it’s possible that kids might have a sense that their parents don’t care enough to set a boundary or that the parent thinks the child is a bit fragile and can’t handle a “no.”  In the book Nurture Shock, Bronson and Merryman cite research that states that for adolescents, when their teachers don’t criticize them, they assume it means the teacher doesn’t have much faith in their ability and doesn’t feel like it’s worth it to push them a bit, whereas the kids whose teachers were bugging them to do better, felt that the teachers believed in them.

Happiness  and confidence come from connection in relationship, being part of something meaningful, and from our own accomplishments.

HOW DO WE KNOW IF WE’RE SPOILING OUR OWN CHILDREN? HOW CAN WE SPOT IT? AND IF WE ARE ON THAT PATH, HOW DO WE GET OFF IT? CAN YOU GIVE US SOME GENERAL GUIDELINES HERE?

Listen, it’s normal for kids to be upset when they don’t get what they want.  Just like we’re disappointed when we can’t buy something we’d like.  Young children often have meltdowns when things don’t go their way, and they often are demanding of their parents:  ”Bring me some juice!”  If we allow this without addressing it or asking our children to do things differently when they’re able to, or if our children as they get older don’t seem to be able to bounce back quickly from not getting what they want, then we ought to evaluate if they’re expecting the world to be at their disposal and what we can do to give them new experiences to shape their brain to handle things in better ways.

I think as a general rule, when it comes to what we’re giving our kids, I’d recommend focusing not so much on what we need to give less of – presents and more stuff – and more about what we need to give more of:  our time and attention.  Watch for ways,  throughout the year, to set up family rituals that create memories; to teach about giving to others, to allow kids to participate in generosity, whether that means making gifts or actually doing the shopping with you when you give to others.  Sometimes parents simply need to replace indulging materially with indulging affectionately.

You hit your sister? That’s a time out. 

You broke the book shelf while climbing to reach the matches?  You just lost your playdate this afternoon.

 Your kids act, and you react.

If you’ve heard me speak, or if you’ve read other pieces I’ve written about discipline, you know I’m a big believer in setting and enforcing boundaries.  At times, giving consequences may be the best response in order to teach lessons about appropriate behavior and observing boundaries.

But here I want to make the case for stepping in before things escalate, before you have to start thinking about consequences.  I’m talking about proactive parenting, as opposed to reactive parenting.

When we parent proactively, we watch for times when we can tell that misbehavior and/or a meltdown are in our kid’s near future, and we step in and try to guide them around that potential landmine.  Sometimes you can even catch the misbehavior as it begins to surface, and redirect your child in a better direction.

Yesterday, for example, my sweet and usually compliant eight-year-old was getting ready to go to his swim lesson.  I noticed that he overreacted a bit when I asked him to apply sunscreen – Why do I have to use sunscreen every day?! – but I didn’t think much about it.  Then while I was getting his little brother ready, he sat down at the piano for a minute.  He started playing one of the songs he’s learned, then when he missed a couple of notes, he slammed his fist down on the keyboard in frustration.  I stopped what I was doing and walked over and set an apple in front of him.  He looked up at me, and I simply offered him a knowing smile.  He and I have been talking lately about his tendency to lose control of his emotions when he gets hungry.  He nodded, ate the apple, and moved back into a place where he felt in control of himself.

I’m not always this quick at reading cues, and of course, sometimes no obvious signs present themselves before our kids make bad decisions.  But this particular morning, I saw the signs and, out of justifiable fear at what was coming, took one simple, proactive step to address the situation.

Sometimes all we can do is react.  But other times, we can take proactive steps to stay ahead of the discipline curve.  That might mean enforcing a consistent bedtime so your kids don’t get too tired and grumpy.  It might mean stepping in to begin a new game when you hear that your children are moving towards significant conflict with each other.  It might mean telling a toddler, with a voice full of intriguing energy, “Hey, before you throw that french fry across the restaurant, I want to show you what I have in my purse.”

Parenting proactively isn’t easy, and it takes a fair amount of awareness on your part.  But the more you can watch for the beginnings of negative behaviors and head them off at the pass, the less you’ll end up having to lay down the law and give consequences, meaning you and your children will have more time to simply enjoy each other.