We need to resist this temptation to handle things for our kids.

Of course there are times we need to stand up for and defend our children. At times, we need to be absolutely fierce in doing so. But more often than not, we advocate for our kids when they should advocate for themselves.

It reminds me of that old saying: “Give a man fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.” That makes so much sense, but when it comes to our kids, it’s hard not to spring into immediate action when we see them being treated unfairly or struggling in some way.

RELATED: Teaching Your Child to Share

But here are four main reasons to allow our kids to advocate for themselves:

1. Self-Advocacy Is a Crucial Skill

When we step in and handle a child’s problem, we short-circuit her opportunity to learn how to address a difficult issue. Having to visit with a teacher or address a problem with a friend can be a powerful learning opportunity. Give your child the benefit of getting practice using her voice and her logic. Teach her to assert herself, and to understand that she can be both respectful and strong. (And of course, you can always go with your child for support if she needs it.)

2. Discomfort Can Be a Good Thing

Even as you teach your children to assert themselves, remind them that it’s actually a good thing to have to do things that are difficult and that make them feel uncomfortable. To have to deal with a challenging situation, and to come out successful on the other side, is a great way to build resilience and confidence. Plus, it makes them more capable of dealing with other problems that come up in the future. You might even tell them a story about a time you had to handle something uncomfortable but how you triumphed.

RELATED: When Moms Lose Their Cool

3. We Show Our Faith in Them

Stepping in and addressing your child’s problem communicates that you don’t believe he can handle that particular situation, and that he needs you to handle things for him. Instead, let him discover how much he can do on his own. Again, every time he takes on a tough problem and handles it on his own, he’ll build competence, confidence and resilience. And you can demonstrate that you’ll be there to cheer him on!

4. It Lets You Save Your Voice for the Really Big Problems

You really don’t want to become “that mom.” It’s not that you need to worry about what people think about you; it’s just that if you’re the parent who’s consistently heading to school to discuss every little problem, and when a bigger problem arises you may not be taken as seriously. You will have lost your voice, so to speak.

Again, there are definitely times we need to step in and defend our children. You should be ready to do so, and your kids should know that you’re on their side and ready to do what you have to do on their behalf.

But, more often than not, we need to take a step back and allow them to handle things on their own. They can do it. They really can. And when we let them, we arm them with all kinds of skills that will make them that much better able to handle difficult situations down the road.

You can view the original of this piece at mom.me.

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I recently wrote about why we should be grateful when our little ones throw a tantrum. But aside from understanding that a tantrum is normal and even healthy, what else can we do when we’re actually in this kind of high-stress moment with our kids? I don’t believe parents should ignore a tantrum. When children are truly out of control, that’s when they need us the most. We still need to set clear boundaries, but our response should always be full of love, respect and patience.

Here are seven suggestions for dealing with a toddler’s tantrum:

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View the whole gallery here.

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View the whole gallery here.

Yesterday I spent a fun hour with the delightful Richard Fidler on ABC Radio in Australia.

You can listen to it here.

[This is a revised version of the first article in a two-part series.  Click here to see the second four mistakes.]

Because we’re always parenting our children, it takes real effort to look at our discipline strategies objectively.  Good intentions can become less-than-effective habits quickly, and that can leave us operating blindly, disciplining in ways we might not if we thought much about it.  Here are some parenting mistakes made by even the best-intentioned, most well-informed parents, along with practical suggestions that might come in handy the next time you find yourself in one of these situations.

Common Discipline Mistake #1:  We lay down the law in an emotional moment, then realize we’ve overreacted.

Have you reacted in a way that was a bit “supersized” for the behavior you were trying to address?  Maybe your child’s actions didn’t warrant such a dramatic pronoucement:  “You can’t go swimming for the rest of the summer!”  Or maybe the consequences even had to do with something you were counting on:  “Stop calling your brother names or you can’t go to Grandma’s house today.”  Of course, she again calls him “stinky-head” and calls your bluff.  Your options at this point are to either miss your lunch with your friends or show your child that you don’t mean what you say.

In these moments, give yourself permission to rectify the situation.  Obviously, follow-through is important once you’ve set boundaries; otherwise, you’ll lose credibility in your child’s eyes and your child will not have the security of knowing where the limits are.  But there are ways to be consistent and still get out of the bind you’re in.  For example, give your child one more chance to make a good choice.  The “one more chance” card can’t be played too often or your child will start to count on it; but if you maintain clear boundaries in the situation, there’s nothing wrong with saying, “I didn’t like what you did, but I’m going to give you another try at handling things the right way.”

With an older child, it’s even OK—and sometimes healthy and actually important—to admit that you overreacted and apologize.  Then you can go back and still address her behavior, and you can offer new and more appropriate boundaries.

The point is that once you realize that you’ve made a mistake, there’s nothing wrong with going back and trying to make things right.  After all, isn’t that a good thing to model for them?

Common Discipline Mistake #2:  Our discipline becomes consequence-based instead of teaching-based.

The goal of discipline is not to make sure that each infraction is immediately met with a consequence.  The real goal is to teach our children how to live well in the world.  But many times we discipline on auto-pilot, and we focus so much on the consequences that they become the end goal, the entire focus.

So when you discipline, ask yourself what your real objective is.  Yes, you want to be consistent.  But don’t confuse consistency with rigidity.  There may be times you decide to offer your child a “do-over” because having them respond in an appropriate manner will teach them more than punishing them for their inappropriate actions.  Likewise, the opposite may be true.  You may decide to refuse a second chance, simply because you want the lesson to be that sometimes there are natural consequences even when we apologize.  (“Sorry” doesn’t fix the broken Buzz Lightyear nightlight that was thrown in anger.  An apology and buying a new nightlight with his own money might teach more.)

So the next time you respond to a misbehavior, don’t discipline just to discipline.  Do it to teach, and to help your kid move more towards being a person who handles himself well and makes good choices.

Common Discipline Mistake #3:  We think that if we’re disciplining, we can’t be warm and nurturing.

It really is possible to be calm and loving and nurturing while disciplining your child.  In fact, it’s very healthy, and even important, to combine clear and consistent boundaries with loving empathy.  Don’t underestimate how powerful a kind tone of voice can be as you have a conversation with your child about the behavior you’re wanting to change.  Find out more about WHY they did what they did and talk about how to do things differently.  If the behavior persists, you may need to think of ways to encourage your child to make different choices.  There are many ways to do this that don’t require taking things away, but if you find that you need to remove a privilege, do it in a way that’s considerate and warm.  (If you are punitive and “mean” in your tone, your child will focus on YOUR bad behavior and not on their own!)

Here’s how setting a limit and warmth can go together:  think of it as a two-step process.  First, you provide boundaries in a matter-of-fact tone:  “You know the rule about wearing your helmet, and we talked about how bike riding is a privilege that comes with responsibilities.  You broke the helmet rule, so the bike will stay in the garage tomorrow and you’ll be more likely to remember how important the helmet is next time you are deciding if you will wear it.”  Then second, you offer empathy regarding the emotional effect of the consequences:  “I know that losing the privilege of riding tomorrow is disappointing.”  You can even combine the two steps with a statement like, “I’m making this decision about the bike because I love you and it’s my job to teach you about being safe and how to be responsible.”

Ultimately, you’re trying to remain firm and consistent in your discipline, while still interacting with your child in a way that communicates warmth, love, respect, and compassion.  These two aspects of parenting can and should coexist.

Common Discipline Mistake #4:  We forget that our children may sometimes need our help making good choices or calming themselves down.

The temptation, when our kids begin to get out of control, is to demand that they “stop that right now.”  But sometimes, especially in the case of small children, they actually may not even be capable of immediately calming themselves down.  That means that you may need to step in and help them make good choices.

For example, when your three-year-old is throwing a tantrum and ripping books off the shelf, it may not be the best time to raise your voice and insist that he settle down.  Again, your goal with your discipline is to teach him, so do your best to recognize—and I know it’s hard to do in a high-emotion situation—that your little “angel” is nowhere near an emotional state of being receptive to learning.

So instead, help him calm down; it doesn’t feel good to your child to be out of control.  You can scoop him up and hold him close, saying, “I know you’re really mad right now.  I will help you stop if you can’t stop yourself.  Let’s go see what’s over here!”  Use redirection and your right-brain faculties like bodily touch, voice inflection, and nonverbal cues and facial expressions, to help him understand that you’re aware of his frustration, to help calm him down, while stopping him from his tornado-style destruction.  This will help diffuse the meltdown, so that you can then begin to discipline once he’s receptive to learning.

Again, this is not about forgoing discipline or boundary-setting; it’s about being smarter and more loving in the way we go about it.

[This is the first in a two-part series.  Click here to see the second four mistakes.]

[This is a revision of the second article in a two-part series.  Click here to see the first four mistakes.]

Here are more discipline mistakes made by even the best-intending, most well-informed parents, along with practical suggestions that might come in handy the next time you find yourself in one of these situations.

Common Discipline Mistake #5:  We get trapped in power struggles.

Everyone says to avoid power struggles.  But no one seems to tell us what to do once we’ve gotten ourselves into an inevitable one.  And when our kids feel backed into a corner, they instinctually fight back or totally shut down.  So here are three ways to help you get out of those lose-lose power struggles you sometimes find yourself in.

A.  Give your child an out or a choice that allows her to comply with your expectations, while still saving face:  “Would you like to get a drink first, and then we’ll pick up the toys?”  The phrase “It’s your choice” can be a powerful tool to wield, since it gives your child some amount of power, which can often diffuse stand-offs.  So maybe you ask, “Would you like to get ready for bed now and read four bedtime stories tonight, or play 10 minutes longer and read two stories?  It’s your choice.”  (If she chooses fewer stories, it’s a good idea to remind her several times before story-time about her choice.)

B.  Negotiate:  “We’re not really getting anywhere here, are we?  Let’s see if we can figure out a way for both of us to get what we need.”  Obviously, there are some non-negotiable issues, but negotiation isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of respect for your child and his desires.  It teaches him important skills about considering not only what he wants, but also what others want; and it’s a lot more effective in the long run than bullying or simply arguing with him.

C. Ask your child for help:  “Do you have any suggestions?”  You might be shocked to find out how much they are willing to bend and bring about a peaceful resolution to the standoff.  Recently, my 4-year-old HAD to have fruit snacks at 9:30 in the morning.  I told him he could have it after lunch, but he didn’t really like my plan.  He started to whine and flop about, so I interrupted him and said, “I know you’re really sad about not getting the treat now.  Do you have any ideas?”  His eyes got big with excitement and I could see his little cognitive wheels turning.  He called out, “I know!  I can have one now and save the rest for after lunch!”  He felt empowered, the power struggle was averted, and I was able to give him an opportunity to solve a problem.  And all it cost me was allowing him to have one fruit snack.  Not such a big deal.

Common Discipline Mistake #6:  We let “experts” trump our own instincts.

By “experts,” I mean authors and other gurus, but also friends and family members who offer well-meaning (It is well-meaning, right?) advice on how to raise your kids. But it’s important that you not discipline your child based on what someone else thinks you ought to do.  So fill your discipline toolbox with information from lots of experts (and non-experts), then listen to your own instincts as you pick and choose different aspects of different approaches that seem to apply best to your situation with your family and your child.

Also, be aware of times you might be disciplining differently because you’re concerned about what someone else will think.  If you need to discipline in public or when others are watching, you might want to pull your child away from the crowd and deal with the situation quietly, or even leave the room, so you won’t be tempted to parent in a way that pleases those watchers.  Instead, you can focus on what your child needs from you in that moment.

Common Discipline Mistake #7:  We discipline in response to our habits and our own feelings instead of responding to our individual child in a particular moment.

We all do it from time to time, don’t we?  We let our own feelings and issues override our decision-making about what’s best for our kids.  And we know it’s not fair (though it’s completely understandable) that we lash out at one child because we’re so fed up with his brother who’s been acting up all morning.  Or we explode in anger simply because that’s the way we were parented or we don’t know what else to do.

Practically speaking, there’s no simple solution to this common discipline mistake. What’s called for is for us to reflect on our behavior, to really be in the moment with our children, and to respond only to what’s taking place in that instant.  This is one of the most difficult tasks of parenting, but the more we can do it, the better we can respond to our kids in loving ways.  It can be helpful to consider how our children are feeling when we act in these ways and to take care of ourselves.  Parenting is physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausting because it requires so much, so much of the time.  Taking care of yourself is an essential part of parenting well.

Common Discipline Mistake #8:  We confuse consistency with rigidity.

Consistency means working from a reliable and coherent philosophy so that our kids know what we expect of them, and what they should expect from us.  It doesn’t mean maintaining an unswerving devotion to some sort of arbitrary set of rules.  This means that sometimes you might make exceptions to the rules, turn a blind eye to some sort of minor infraction, or “cut the kid some slack.”

There may be times, then, that we should wait before responding to misbehavior.  For example, when our kids are out of control—when we see that they’re becoming an emotional tsunami —that may not be the best time to rigidly enforce a rule we’d enforce under different circumstances.  When the child is calmer and more receptive, he’ll be better able to learn the lesson anyway.

Recently, for instance, our 4-year-old has been insane at bedtime.  In response to our cajoling he’ll often say something like, “Well, I’ll come find you and kick your eye!” (I often have to hide my smile as his anger and threats end up sounding more funny than ominous.)  We’ve found that our usual strategies—trying to talk to him, offering incentives, redirecting him—haven’t been working.

So two nights ago I tried to simply avoid the situation.  As he began to argue from his bed, I said, “I love you.  Goodnight,” and left the room.  Amazingly, it actually worked!  (Apparently it never crossed the poor little dude’s mind to actually get back up out of bed.)  So then, yesterday, when he was in a great mood, I addressed the situation and told him I didn’t like the way he had been acting at bedtime, and we did some problem-solving.  He went to bed beautifully last night.  We’ll see how tonight goes. . .

In closing, let me emphasize that we’re all going to make mistakes while setting limits for our children.  But if we can discipline with consistent and clear boundaries, and with a high degree of nurturing and respect, then any mistakes we make will be clearly overshadowed by the reliability and love you offer your kids.

[This is a revision of the second article in a two-part series.  Click here to see the first four mistakes.]

WHAT IS SPOILING?  DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH MONEY SPENT?  TIME? NEVER SAYING NO? ALL OF THE ABOVE?

Let’s start with what spoiling is not:  Spoiling is NOT about how much love and time and attention you give your kids.  You can’t spoil your children by giving them too much of yourself.  In the same way, you can’t spoil a baby by holding her too much or responding to her needs each time she expresses them.

SO HOW DO WE SPOIL OUR KIDS?

The dictionary definition is “to ruin or do harm to the character or attitude by overindulgence or excessive praise.”  Spoiling can of course happen when we give our kids too much stuff or spend too much money or say yes all the time.   But it’s more than that.  It’s also about giving them the sense that the world and people around them will serve their whims.

Again, it’s impossible to spoil children with too much nurturing or love or attention or time.  Nurturing your relationship with your child or giving them a sense that they are entitled to your love and affection (or holding them when they’re little) is exactly what we should be doing.  In other words, we let them know that they can count on getting their NEEDS met.

Spoiling, on the other hand, occurs when parents (or other caregivers) create their child’s world in such a way that the child feels a sense of entitlement to getting their way, to getting what they WANT when they want it, and that everything should come easy to them.

We want our kids to expect that their NEEDS will always be met by us and by others.  We don’t want our kids to expect that their DESIRES AND WHIMS will always be met.

DO YOU BELIEVE MANY PARENTS TODAY “SPOIL” THEIR CHILDREN?  IS THIS DIFFERENT FROM PRIOR GENERATIONS?

I think this generation of parents is more likely to spoil their kids than previous generations.  One of the ways I see this most commonly is that parents shelter their children from having to struggle at all.  They overprotect them from disappointments or difficulties.   Parents often confuse indulgence and love.  If parents themselves had parents who weren’t emotionally responsive and affectionate, they may feel the need to do things differently.  That’s great.  But then, they give their children stuff and wait on them and shelter them from sadness, instead of indulging them with what really matters, and what kids really NEED:  love and connection and time.

WHAT DOES SPOILING TEACH A CHILD ABOUT THE WORLD AND ABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP TO HIS MOTHER AND FATHER?  WHAT IS THE TAKEAWAY ABOUT KEEPING THEM FROM BEING “SPOILED?”

There’s a reason we worry about spoiling our kids by giving them too much stuff.  When kids are given whatever they want all the time, they lose opportunities to build resilience and learn important life lessons:  about delaying gratification, about having to work for something, about dealing with disappointment.  Having a sense of entitlement, as opposed to an attitude of gratitude, can affect relationships in the future when the entitled mindset comes across to others.  So instead, we want to give our kids practice at having to delay gratification and even do without, so they can build resilience and learn to handle disappointment.

We also want them to have to deal emotionally with difficult experiences.  Some parents find their child’s unfinished homework on the kitchen table and complete it themselves before running it up to school in order to protect their child from having to face the consequences of a late assignment.  Or they call another parent to ask for an invitation to a birthday party that their child caught wind of, but was not invited to.  These responses create an expectation in the child that they will experience a utopia-like existence, and as a result, they may be unable to handle it when life doesn’t turn out so perfect.

CAN A CHILD BE SPOILED AT HOME AND HAVE IT NOT IMPACT HIS WORLD OUTSIDE OF THE HOME, WITH FRIENDS, TEACHERS, COACHES, AND DOWN THE ROAD, FUTURE ROMANTIC PARTNERS OR EMPLOYERS? OR WILL BEING SPOILED BLEED INTO OTHER AREAS OF A KID’S LIFE? (I THINK ABOUT THOSE CHILDREN WHO KEEP IT TOGETHER AT SCHOOL BUT ACT OUT AT HOME.)

See answer above regarding how it affects future relationships.  I think it usually bleeds into other areas because the repeated experiences that parents give their children wire their brains for what to expect in relationships, with authority figures, etc.  Now, if a coach or a teacher requires something different from the child and the child learns that with this one adult, they will have to work harder, they often will rise to the challenge.

AS PARENTS, I THINK MANY OF US INADVERTENTLY SPOIL OUR CHILDREN BECAUSE, OF COURSE, WE LOVE THEM AND WANT TO SHOWER THEM WITH LOVE, PRESENTS, AND ATTENTION, THEN SUDDENLY WE FIND OURSELVES IN AN UNPLEASANT SITUATION. WHAT DOES SPOILING DO TO US AS PARENTS? HOW DOES IT IMPACT OUR LIVES?

For parents, sometimes we rely on overindulgence or not saying no because it’s easier in the moment.  Other times we shower our kids with stuff (remember that showering with love and attention isn’t going to spoil, as long as we’re also willing to set limits or boundaries) because we enjoy it so much.  We just have to remember what is best for our kids in the long-run.

Saying yes to that second or third treat of the day may be easier in the short term because it avoids a meltdown or helps us survive the moment.  But then what about tomorrow?  Will treats be expected tomorrow as well?  The brain makes associations from all of our experiences.   Spoiling makes things harder on us as parents because we’re constantly having to deal with the demands or the meltdowns that result from times things don’t go our kids’ way.

Parents can start a new path by telling their child what’s going to change.  For example:  ”We’ve been watching a lot of TV each day, and it’s not really working for our family anymore.  We’re going to start a new plan on Monday.”  Then, follow through.

WHY DOESN’T SPOILING WORK? AS AN ADULT, IF SOMEONE GRANTED MY EVERY WISH, BOUGHT ME WHATEVER I WANTED, AND NEVER SAID NO TO ME, I THINK I’D BE PRETTY HAPPY. WHY ISN’T A 6 OR 10 OR 15 YEAR OLD HAPPY WHEN THEY ARE SPOILED?

They’re unhappy because people and their world turn out not to be so much at their disposal.  They have a harder time enjoying the smaller joys and the triumph of creating their own world if others have always done it for them.  True confidence and competence come not from succeeding at getting what we want, but from our own accomplishments and achieving mastery of something on our own.

Further, if a child hasn’t had practice dealing with the emotions that come with not getting what they want and then adapting their attitude and comforting themselves, then it’s going to be quite difficult to do so later when disappointments get bigger.

Depending on the age, I think it’s possible that kids might have a sense that their parents don’t care enough to set a boundary or that the parent thinks the child is a bit fragile and can’t handle a “no.”  In the book Nurture Shock, Bronson and Merryman cite research that states that for adolescents, when their teachers don’t criticize them, they assume it means the teacher doesn’t have much faith in their ability and doesn’t feel like it’s worth it to push them a bit, whereas the kids whose teachers were bugging them to do better, felt that the teachers believed in them.

Happiness  and confidence come from connection in relationship, being part of something meaningful, and from our own accomplishments.

HOW DO WE KNOW IF WE’RE SPOILING OUR OWN CHILDREN? HOW CAN WE SPOT IT? AND IF WE ARE ON THAT PATH, HOW DO WE GET OFF IT? CAN YOU GIVE US SOME GENERAL GUIDELINES HERE?

Listen, it’s normal for kids to be upset when they don’t get what they want.  Just like we’re disappointed when we can’t buy something we’d like.  Young children often have meltdowns when things don’t go their way, and they often are demanding of their parents:  ”Bring me some juice!”  If we allow this without addressing it or asking our children to do things differently when they’re able to, or if our children as they get older don’t seem to be able to bounce back quickly from not getting what they want, then we ought to evaluate if they’re expecting the world to be at their disposal and what we can do to give them new experiences to shape their brain to handle things in better ways.

I think as a general rule, when it comes to what we’re giving our kids, I’d recommend focusing not so much on what we need to give less of – presents and more stuff – and more about what we need to give more of:  our time and attention.  Watch for ways,  throughout the year, to set up family rituals that create memories; to teach about giving to others, to allow kids to participate in generosity, whether that means making gifts or actually doing the shopping with you when you give to others.  Sometimes parents simply need to replace indulging materially with indulging affectionately.

Me?  Sometimes I respond extremely well, making myself proud of how loving and understanding and patient I remained.  At other times, I lower myself to my kids’ level and resort to the childishness that upset me in the first place.

My message to you today is that when you respond to your kids from a less-than-optimal place, take heart:  most likely, you’re still providing them with all kinds of valuable experiences.

For example, have you ever found yourself so frustrated with your kids that you call out, a good bit louder than you need to, “That’s it!  The next one who complains about where they’re sitting in the car, has to sit in that same seat for the rest of the year!”

Or maybe, when your eight-year-old pouts and complains all the way to school because you made her practice her piano, you say, with your parting words as she departs the mini-van, “I hope you have a great day, now that you’ve ruined the whole morning.”

Obviously, these aren’t examples of perfect parenting.  And if you’re like me, you beat yourself up for the times when you don’t handle things like you wish you had.

So here’s hope:  Those not-so-great parenting moments are not necessarily such bad things for our kids to have to go through.  In fact, they’re actually incredibly valuable.

Why?  Because these less-than-perfect parental responses give kids opportunities to deal with difficult situations and therefore develop new skills.  Here are some of the ways these moments, while not optimal, can still be valuable:

• The kids have to learn to control themselves even though their parent isn’t doing such a great job of controlling herself.
• They get to see you model how to apologize and make things right.
• They experience that when there is conflict and argument, there can be repair, and things become good again.  This helps them feel safe and not so afraid in relationships.  They learn to trust, and even expect, that calm and connection will follow conflict.
• They see that you’re not perfect, so they won’t expect themselves to be, either.
• They learn that their actions affect other people’s emotions and behavior.
• If we were perfect with them, the first time a friend or teacher was reactive to them, it could be shocking and terrifying to them.

Abuse, of course, is different.  Or if you’re significantly harming the relationship or scaring your child, then the experience is no longer valuable for either of you.  In fact, that’s going to damage you both, and you should seek the help of a professional in order to make whatever changes are necessary so that your children feel safe.

But as long as you maintain the relationship and repair with your child afterwards, then you can cut yourself some slack and know that even though you might wish you’d done things differently, that’s still a valuable experience for your child, even if it means he has to control himself simply because Mom is mad at the moment.

I hope it’s obvious that I’m not saying that we shouldn’t aim for the extreme good when we respond to our kids in a high-stress situation (or any other time).  The more loving and nurturing we can be, the better.  I’m just saying that we can give ourselves a break when we’re not perfect, because even those situations provide moments of value as well.  They give our kids opportunities to learn important lessons that will prepare them for future conflict and relationships, and even teach them how to love.

You hit your sister? That’s a time out. 

You broke the book shelf while climbing to reach the matches?  You just lost your playdate this afternoon.

 Your kids act, and you react.

If you’ve heard me speak, or if you’ve read other pieces I’ve written about discipline, you know I’m a big believer in setting and enforcing boundaries.  At times, giving consequences may be the best response in order to teach lessons about appropriate behavior and observing boundaries.

But here I want to make the case for stepping in before things escalate, before you have to start thinking about consequences.  I’m talking about proactive parenting, as opposed to reactive parenting.

When we parent proactively, we watch for times when we can tell that misbehavior and/or a meltdown are in our kid’s near future, and we step in and try to guide them around that potential landmine.  Sometimes you can even catch the misbehavior as it begins to surface, and redirect your child in a better direction.

Yesterday, for example, my sweet and usually compliant eight-year-old was getting ready to go to his swim lesson.  I noticed that he overreacted a bit when I asked him to apply sunscreen – Why do I have to use sunscreen every day?! – but I didn’t think much about it.  Then while I was getting his little brother ready, he sat down at the piano for a minute.  He started playing one of the songs he’s learned, then when he missed a couple of notes, he slammed his fist down on the keyboard in frustration.  I stopped what I was doing and walked over and set an apple in front of him.  He looked up at me, and I simply offered him a knowing smile.  He and I have been talking lately about his tendency to lose control of his emotions when he gets hungry.  He nodded, ate the apple, and moved back into a place where he felt in control of himself.

I’m not always this quick at reading cues, and of course, sometimes no obvious signs present themselves before our kids make bad decisions.  But this particular morning, I saw the signs and, out of justifiable fear at what was coming, took one simple, proactive step to address the situation.

Sometimes all we can do is react.  But other times, we can take proactive steps to stay ahead of the discipline curve.  That might mean enforcing a consistent bedtime so your kids don’t get too tired and grumpy.  It might mean stepping in to begin a new game when you hear that your children are moving towards significant conflict with each other.  It might mean telling a toddler, with a voice full of intriguing energy, “Hey, before you throw that french fry across the restaurant, I want to show you what I have in my purse.”

Parenting proactively isn’t easy, and it takes a fair amount of awareness on your part.  But the more you can watch for the beginnings of negative behaviors and head them off at the pass, the less you’ll end up having to lay down the law and give consequences, meaning you and your children will have more time to simply enjoy each other.

Allowing our children to feel sadness, disappointment, resentment, and other tough feelings, allows them to develop empathy as they mature.  The next time they have a friend or sibling experience one of these emotions, they’ll have a much better feeling what it feels like.

Another reason not to rescue too much or solve too quickly is that when we do, we are communicating with our actions that we don’t believe our kids can do it, or that they can’t handle something.  This is tough for me as a parent.  I want what’s best for my kids, and I usually genuinely feel that I know better than they do what’s best for them.  So when it’s cold outside and I ask my nine-year-old if he wants a jacket, and he invariably says, “No,” I can hardly keep myself from insisting that he take one anyway.  But when I do that, I communicate to him, without actually saying it, “I don’t trust that you know what your body needs, and you aren’t able to make good decisions, so I must make them for you.”

Obviously, there are times when it’s our responsibility to step in and rescue our children.  But save your super-hero work for the big issues.  On the smaller ones, remember that rescuing our kids is not only unnecessary, it’s not even good for them.