Posts Tagged ‘common discipline mistakes’

• A Different Take on Spoiling

  Date: 2011.11.21 | Category: Parenting, The Brain | Response: 15

  The other day a reporter asked me to respond to a few questions about spoiling, and what it means for our kids.  With the holidays coming up, this seems like a pretty timely subject.  Here’s how I answered the reporter’s questions about what spoiling is, and just as importantly, what it’s not.

   

  WHAT IS SPOILING?  DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH MONEY SPENT?  TIME? NEVER SAYING NO? ALL OF THE ABOVE?

  Let’s start with what spoiling is not:  Spoiling is NOT about how much love and time and attention you give your kids.  You can’t spoil your children by giving them too much of yourself.  In the same way, you can’t spoil a baby by holding her too much or responding to her needs each time she expresses them.

   

  SO HOW DO WE SPOIL OUR KIDS?

  The dictionary definition is “to ruin or do harm to the character or attitude by overindulgence or excessive praise.”  Spoiling can of course happen when we give our kids too much stuff or spend too much money or say yes all the time.   But it’s more than that.  It’s also about giving them the sense that the world and people around them will serve their whims.

  Again, it’s impossible to spoil children with too much nurturing or love or attention or time.  Nurturing your relationship with your child or giving them a sense that they are entitled to your love and affection (or holding them when they’re little) is exactly what we should be doing.  In other words, we let them know that they can count on getting their NEEDS met.

  Spoiling, on the other hand, occurs when parents (or other caregivers) create their child’s world in such a way that the child feels Read the rest of this entry »

• How Much Am I Screwing Up My Kids When I Don’t Handle Myself Well?

  Date: 2011.10.25 | Category: Parenting | Response: 16

  How well do you handle yourself when you’re upset with your kids?

  Me?  Sometimes I respond extremely well, making myself proud of how loving and understanding and patient I remained.  At other times, I lower myself to my kids’ level and resort to the childishness that upset me in the first place.

  My message to you today is that when you respond to your kids from a less-than-optimal place, take heart:  most likely, you’re still providing them with all kinds of valuable experiences.

  For example, have you ever found yourself so frustrated with your kids that you call out, a good bit louder than you need to, “That’s it!  The next one who complains about where they’re sitting in the car, has to sit in that same seat for the rest of the year!”

  Or maybe, when your eight-year-old pouts and complains all the way to school because you made her practice her piano, you say, with your parting words as she departs the mini-van, “I hope you have a great day, now that you’ve ruined the whole morning.”

  Obviously, these aren’t examples of perfect parenting.  And if you’re like me, you beat yourself up for the times when you don’t handle things like you wish you had.

  So here’s hope:  Those not-so-great parenting moments are not necessarily such bad things for our kids to have to go through.  In fact, they’re actually incredibly valuable.

  Why?  Because these less-than-perfect parental responses Read the rest of this entry »

  

• Proactive Parenting: Getting Ahead of the Discipline Curve

  Date: 2011.10.10 | Category: Parenting | Response: 12

  When your kids misbehave, your immediate reaction may be to offer consequences with both guns blazing.

  You hit your sister? That’s a time out. 

  You broke the book shelf while climbing to reach the matches?  You just lost your playdate this afternoon.

   Your kids act, and you react.

  If you’ve heard me speak, or if you’ve read other pieces I’ve written about discipline, you know I’m a big believer in setting and enforcing boundaries.  At times, giving consequences may be the best response in order to teach lessons about appropriate behavior and observing boundaries.

  But here I want to make the case for stepping in before things escalate, before you have to start thinking about consequences.  I’m talking about proactive parenting, as opposed to reactive parenting.

  When we parent proactively, we watch for times when we can tell that misbehavior and/or a meltdown are in our kid’s near future, and we step in and try to guide them around that potential landmine.  Sometimes you can even Read the rest of this entry »

  

• Do You Rescue Your Child Too Much?

  Date: 2011.01.11 | Category: Parenting | Response: 15

  Resist the temptation to rescue your children every time they struggle.  Struggling a little bit, and having to learn to deal with difficult situations and emotions, is great for kids.  When they’re NOT given many opportunities to deal with disappointment about not getting their way, and not given opportunities to have to be flexible and figure out how to solve a problem, they’ll have trouble developing these skills.  It’s important that they practice giving in and being flexible to the needs of others in the family as well.  And as they get older, they should be given more and more chances to do this.

  Allowing our children to feel sadness, disappointment, resentment, and other tough feelings, allows them to develop empathy as they mature.  The next time they have a friend or sibling experience one of these emotions, they’ll have a much better feeling what it feels like.

  Another reason not to rescue too much or solve too quickly is that when we do, we are communicating with our actions that we don’t believe our kids can do it, or that Read the rest of this entry »

  

• Common Discipline Mistakes Made by Even the Best Parents: Part 2

  Date: 2010.06.17 | Category: Parenting | Response: 8

  [This is the second in a two-part series.  Click here to see the first four mistakes.]

  Here are more discipline mistakes made by even the best-intending, most well-informed parents, along with practical suggestions that might come in handy the next time you find yourself in one of these situations.

  Common Discipline Mistake #5:  We get trapped in power struggles.

  Everyone says to avoid power struggles.  But no one seems to tell us what to do once we’ve gotten ourselves into an inevitable one.  And when our kids feel backed into a corner, they instinctually fight back.  So here are three ways to help you get out of those lose-lose power struggles you sometimes find yourself in. Read the rest of this entry »

  

• Common Discipline Mistakes Even the Best Parents Make: Part 1

  Date: 2010.06.03 | Category: Parenting, The Brain | Response: 17

  [This is the first in a two-part series.  Click here to see the second four mistakes.]

  Because we’re always parenting our children, it takes real effort to look at our discipline strategies objectively.  Good intentions can become less-than-effective habits quickly, and that can leave us operating blindly, disciplining in ways we might not if we thought much about it.  Here are some parenting mistakes made by even the best-intentioned, most well-informed parents, along with practical suggestions that might come in handy the next time you find yourself in one of these situations.

  Common Discipline Mistake #1:  We lay down the law in an emotional moment, then realize we’ve overreacted.

  Have you offered consequences that were a bit “supersized” for the behavior you were trying to address?  Maybe your child’s actions didn’t warrant such big consequences:  “You can’t go swimming for the rest of the summer!”  Or maybe the consequences even had to do with something you were counting on:  “Stop calling your brother names or you can’t go to Grandma’s house today.”  Of course, she again calls him “stinky-head” and calls your bluff.  Your options at this point are to either miss your lunch with your friends or show your child that you don’t mean what you say.

  In these moments, give yourself permission to rectify the situation.  Obviously, follow-through is important once you’ve set down consequences; otherwise, you’ll lose credibility in your child’s eyes.  But there are ways to be consistent and still get out of the bind you’re in.  For example, Read the rest of this entry »