Posts Tagged ‘being fully present’

• Magic Wand? Yeah, right. (Sometimes there’s just nothing you can do when your child is upset.)

  Date: 2011.06.10 | Category: Parenting | Response: 11

  One day my seven-year-old became furious with me because I told him he couldn’t invite a friend over to play.  He stormed off to his room and slammed the door.  About a minute later, I heard the door open, then slam again.  I went up to check on him, and taped to the outside of his door, I saw the picture you see here.  (You can see from the drawing below that he regularly uses his artistic talents to communicate his feelings about his parents.)

  I went into his room and saw what I knew I’d see:  a big child-sized lump under the covers on his bed. I sat next to the lump and put my hand on what I assumed was a shoulder, and suddenly the lump moved away from me, towards the wall.  From beneath the covers, he cried out, “Get away from me!”

  Often at times like this I can become childish and drop down to my child’s level.  I’ve even been known to say things like, “Fine!  If you won’t let me cut that toenail that’s hurting, you can stay in pain all week!”  (Sometimes I’ll throw in a “See if I care!” for good measure.)

  But this particular day, I maintained control and handled myself pretty well.  I first tried to acknowledge his feelings: “I know that makes you mad that Ryan can’t come over today.”

  His response?  “Yes, and I hate you!”

  I stayed calm and said, “Sweetie, I know this is frustrating, but there’s just not time to have Ryan over.  We’re meeting your grandparents for dinner in just a little while.”

  After that, he returned to the familiar refrain as he curled tighter and moved as far away from me as possible:  “I said get away from me!”

  I reminded him of our rule about talking with each other respectfully, then I went through a series of responses, the ones I regularly talk to parents about.  I comforted; I tried to use nonverbal connection like touch and tone of voice before I tried to problem-solve; I empathized; I tried again to explain.  I even offered an incentive to talk:  a playdate the next day.  But at that moment, he refused to calm down or let me help him in any way.

  The point of this story is a reality that people rarely talk about:  Sometimes Read the rest of this entry »

  

• Ask Tina: How can I get my daughter to do what I ask the first time I ask her?

  Date: 2011.02.26 | Category: Ask Tina, Parenting | Response: 8

  Q:  Tina, do you have any suggestions for getting my daughter to do what I ask the first time or to help me not have to repeat myself over and over?

  A:  The best suggestion I have for not having to repeat yourself so much is to stop what you’re doing and focus on the situation.  I usually find that the reason I’m repeating myself is because I’m preoccupied with other things and not following through immediately when one of my sons doesn’t do what I’ve asked right away.  By the time I notice that he hasn’t done what I asked, I get even more frustrated because now it’s been so long since I first told him what to do.

  Of course you wish your daughter would just do what you say, but one way to at least cut down on the nagging and frustration is to stop what you’re doing, Read the rest of this entry »

  

• When Your Sweet Child Suddenly Becomes Difficult

  Date: 2011.01.27 | Category: Parenting, The Brain | Response: 14

  Renowned pediatrician Berry Brazelton explains that when a child has a new developmental spurt, they often lose some of their current abilities while they learn to incorporate the new skill or development.  This is why when your little one learned, say, to walk, aspects of their speech might have regressed a bit during that time.

  It’s the same now that your child is older.  You can probably think of “phases” they go through—often lasting one-to-four weeks—where they’re just not themselves.  You repeatedly wonder, “Is she sick?  Tired?  Hungry?  What’s going on with this kid?”  And especially if this is your first child, you worry that this isn’t just a phase, and that they might be like this forever.

  When this happens, there’s a good chance that some big changes are Read the rest of this entry »

  

• Help! My Child Has Anger Issues

  Date: 2010.06.27 | Category: Parenting | Response: 10

  To be so little, children sure can experience big emotions, can’t they?  And anger is often the biggest emotion of all.  Even the youngest find ways to let it out.  Recently, my 2-year-old threatened me with an angry voice, “I’m going to color your face!”  It was hard not to laugh. Poor (and sweet) kid.  He was trying to be mean and angry, and coloring my face was the best he could think of.

  It’s good news that our children experience their feelings and get opportunities to deal with big feelings.  The problem comes when children don’t handle their anger in ways we’d like them to.

  So how do we help our kids express their anger in ways that are appropriate and healthy?  Here are a few suggestions.

  Say yes to feelings, even as you say no to inappropriate behaviors.

  It’s crucial that you set clear boundaries for your child in terms of what actions are OK.  In other words, you have to say no to certain behaviors that result from anger—throwing things, hitting and kicking, breaking objects, etc.

  However, it’s very important—and this can be challenging for most of us—that you also communicate that it’s OK to feel angry. As parents, we often make the mistake of Read the rest of this entry »

  

• What’s REALLY Causing Your Frustration Towards Your Kids?

  Date: 2010.06.14 | Category: Parenting, The Brain | Response: 13

  Do you ever get so upset with your kids that you do something that leaves you (and the rest of the family) asking, “Where did that come from!”?

  In the book Parenting from the Inside Out, Siegel and Hartzell write: “[At times] we’re not really listening to our children because our own internal experiences are being so noisy that it’s all we can hear. . . We often try to control our children’s feelings and behavior when actually it’s our own internal experience that is triggering our upset feelings about their behavior.” An example of this would be when your child is being really clingy, and instead of seeing that she’s communicating that she needs your comfort and attention, you get furious with her. Your fury is not really because of her developmentally appropriate need for you—it’s because you feel smothered because you haven’t done anything for yourself in a long time, or because you had a parent who relied on you to meet her needs, and in this moment, you feel resentment again at being needed.

  So what do we do? Well, we need to pay attention to what’s going on inside of ourselves when we are upset with our children, so  we can flexibly and lovingly respond to them in ways that Read the rest of this entry »

  

• What Spoils Your Delight?

  Date: 2010.05.13 | Category: Parenting | Response: 10

  What our children really want most and need most from us is to fully be present with them and to delight in them. What gets in your way of being fully present with your children? What is it that spoils delighting in your children and in your role as parent at times?