The parents I’ve talked to about spanking are almost always very strong in their position, but they avoid talking about it with other parents, and when the discussion begins, it’s almost never a respectful, open conversation among people who really are willing to listen to the other side.

I feel compelled to really have those conversations, so I’ll be doing more of this in the coming months, both informally at the park and on the ballfield, and also publicly in various formats.  In order to get the ball rolling, what you’ll see below are my answers to the questions Dr. Drew’s producer asked me in our pre-show correspondence.

WHERE DO YOU STAND ON THE DEBATE OF TO SPANK OR NOT TO SPANK?

Anyone who’s heard me speak knows that I am really big on boundaries and on parents being authority figures.  And still, I am against spanking.  I think that using physical force, particularly against a child, is wrong.   The idea of inflicting physical (even minor) pain on a child is unsettling to me.  Beyond that, I firmly believe that when you understand how the brain works, you see that spanking is often counter-productive when it comes to teaching our kids the lessons we want them to learn.

However, that being said, it’s not really all that simple.  Two particular points make the whole question about spanking a complex one in my mind.  The first is that there are really good, loving parents who spank.  I have friends who spank calmly and with nurturing conversations with their children regarding their discipline.  They are intentional about how and WHY they do it.  I know these parents well, and I’ve seen how great their kids are turning out, and how loved those kids feel.  So those of us who don’t spank need to avoid the temptation to caricature parents who use corporal punishment, seeing them as out-of-control child abusers whose kids will turn out to be violent monsters.

The second point that complicates matters is that there are plenty of non-spanking discipline approaches that can be more damaging than spanking.  I know that I myself have been guilty of saying things to my kids that should never have been said.  A calm parent who lightly spanks and has a reflective conversation with their child about it and then hugs it out with forgiveness is doing less damage than a parent who isolates their child for long periods of time or who humiliates their child or says things that are hurtful.  It’s complex, and the CONTEXT in which the spanking occurs matters a lot.

So I’m definitely against spanking, and I don’t use it for discipline with my boys.  But I don’t see the question as a simple one.

DO YOU THINK SPANKING CREATES AN UNHEALTHY AMOUNT OF FEAR IN A CHILD?

It certainly can.  Just as yelling and threatening a child, even without ever touching him, can do the same.  One reason spanking and yelling can be so counter-productive is because it can take the focus off of the behavior that you want to address, and put it on the parent’s bad behavior.  I know that when I’ve been reactive and yelled at my kids, rather than handling things as I wanted to, they’ve often ended up thinking only about my response to their misbehavior, meaning that they’re not considering their own actions at all.  Anytime parents overshoot the mark or are reactive or punitive, the child’s focus shifts from thinking about their responsibility and their mistake, to how unfair and mean their parent is.  The parental response then, is counterproductive to changing behavior, because it sidesteps an opportunity for the child to think about and even feel some healthy guilt and think about their own behavior.

WHAT’S THE MOST EFFECTIVE WAY FOR A PARENT TO DISCIPLINE THEIR CHILD?

It absolutely depends on the age of the child and the child’s temperament.  For some children, you can just raise your eyebrows at them and they cry and feel bad and stop the behavior.  With other kids, you can yell and scream and they’ll just keep on going.

All of my discipline is informed by asking one question:  What is the lesson I want taught here?  Another way to say it is, What skill needs to be developed?

Practically speaking, then, for young children I suggest a four-step approach:

1. Address the feelings behind the behavior.  “I can see that you’re feeling really mad that your brother didn’t share.”
2. Address the behavior.  “Biting hurts.  No biting.”
3. Give an alternative.  “Next time you’re mad at your sister, ask me for help.”
4. Move on.  “Hey, is that the trash truck I hear coming?  Let’s go look.”  Don’t give any more attention to the bad behavior.

With older kids, I want to make sure that the focus of discipline isn’t the consequences themselves.  (Remember, the root of the word “discipline” is all about teaching.)  So I want to focus on teaching what I DO want my kids to do.

We know that brain connections are formed from repeated experiences, and that what we do over and over becomes wired in our brains.  So when my kids mess up, I don’t want their repeated experiences to be physical pain (for spanking parents), or to be isolation, humiliation, or yelling/threatening (for non-spankers).

What I DO want them to repeatedly experience is doing things the right way and thinking about making good choices and how their behavior affects others.  So, instead of a time out, I’ll often have my kids practice doing things the right way.  If they’re being disrespectful in their tone and communication, I might give them a “do-over” and have them say it respectfully.  If they’ve been mean to their brother, I might require that they find three kind things to do for him before bedtime.  That way, the repeated experience of positive behavior is getting wired in their brain.

Most of my discipline with my 5-, 8-, and 11-year-old boys is done through dialogue, reflection, and problem-solving.  And my discipline approaches are still evolving as I learn as a parent, and with each developmental stage my kids reach.

SHARE WITH ME THE NEGATIVE EFFECT SPANKING HAS ON A CHILD

Again, even though I’m against spanking, I’m open to the possibility that there may be a “right” way to do it.  I wish I could say more about exactly what that right way might be, but I don’t know enough to be specific.  As I said, I plan to talk to my friends who are such great parents and ask them more specifically why they spank, and I hope to report back to you on that soon.

But one thing we know is that a lot, if not most,  parents DON’T spank calmly.  They spank in a way that causes their child to be afraid.  So, let me talk about the negative effects of any discipline approach that’s reactive and out-of-control.

Again, when parents over-shoot the mark and become harsh or reactive, it’s counter-productive because then the kid thinks about how unfair you are; it keeps her from taking responsibility and thinking about her misbehavior.

Also, we are born with an instinct to run to our caregivers for protection when we are hurt or afraid.  But when our caregivers are the SOURCE of the pain and fear, it’s very confusing for the brain.

There’s a lot of conflicting research on whether spanking is effective or damaging, and there are many problems with the methodology of most of these studies (such as how they define spanking and controlling for the severity, frequency, etc.).  But what I do know is that as humans we are wired to avoid pain.  Children can’t be perfect, so I feel inclined to agree with the findings that indicate that spanking stops the behavior in that moment but don’t change behavior in the long run; instead, children just get better at hiding their behavior.  In other words, the danger is that kids will do whatever it takes to avoid pain, so they lie and hide more.

Plus, in severe cases, where children repeatedly feel terror and it’s traumatic, like in physical abuse, the stress hormone cortisol floods the brain.  That’s toxic, and it actually damages the brain.

TALK TO ME ABOUT SPANKING FROM THE BRAIN PERSPECTIVE OF A CHILD.  (I know in your book The Whole-Brain Child, you mention the upstairs brain and the downstairs brain.)

Look, if you threaten or physically attack a reptile, what kind of a response do you think you’ll get?  When we are threatened or physically attacked, our reptilian or primitive brain takes over.  We move into a “survive” mode.  We are going to go into a fight, flight, or freeze mode.  When our kids feel fear, pain, or anger, it triggers the downstairs brain.  In other words, by creating fear in them, we are directing all of our child’s energy and attention to their primitive brain, instead of their logical, thinking, upstairs brain, which is the more sophisticated part of the brain that allows us to be good people and make good choices and handle our emotions.  The brain develops what it gets practice doing!  Do you want to trigger your child’s primitive, downstairs brain, or engage their thinking, rational upstairs brain?

When we trigger the downstairs brain, we miss the chance to develop the upstairs brain.  It’s a missed opportunity.  Instead, let’s use discipline strategies that give kids practice using their upstairs brain so we can develop that and help them be responsible people who do the right thing!

YOU SAY YOU’RE BIG ON SETTING BOUNDARIES.  TELL ME ABOUT THAT.

I reviewed this science for my dissertation.  Science shows that kids do best when parents do two things.  1) Set high expectations and boundaries for their kids; and 2) Provide consistent nurturing and emotionally responsive interactions with their kids, in which they have conversations about those expectations and boundaries.

Boundaries give kids clear ideas of what they can and can’t do, creating a predictable, consistent, and safe environment.  When kids have a boundary set and enforced, it makes them put their brakes on when they have an impulse to do something they shouldn’t do.  Getting practice controlling impulses and putting on the brakes builds the part of the brain that allows them to handle their emotions and make better choices.  It also builds resilience in them to be able to handle not getting their way and being able to tell themselves no.

GIVE ME THREE TAKEAWAYS PARENTS SHOULD ASK THEMSELVES WHEN THEY ARE DEALING WITH A CHILD THAT NEEDS CORRECTING.

1) Remember that discipline is about teaching.  Spanking has the potential to put the child’s attention on pain and their anger/fear of us, instead of the behavior and the change we’re aiming for.  Don’t just think about the punishment or the consequence; think about the goal or the lesson you’re trying to teach.  Then you can think about how you can teach that in the most loving and effective way that builds your relationship and the trust between you.

2) I realize that spanking may be effective in stopping certain bad behaviors.  But our ULTIMATE goal as parents is not to stop bad behavior in our kids.  The goal isn’t to keep them from doing bad things, but to help them grow up to be good people who choose to do the right thing out of internal motivation, not out of fear of punishment.  We can best do that by giving their upstairs brain practice.  We do this through asking them to reflect on their behavior, problem-solve about future situations, make amends, think about how their behavior affects others, etc.

3) Be emotionally responsive.  Whether you spank or not, remember that when we’re emotionally responsive and nurturing as parents (even when our children have misbehaved), we’re building the connections in their brain that allow them to make good decisions, control their emotions, and care about others.

My overall suggestion?  Combine knowledge, instinct, and self-understanding.

Knowledge

Knowledge is definitely power, and parents usually find it useful to have a few strategies to help them deal with their children.  Simply by reading and talking to other parents, you can arm yourself with all kinds of tools and approaches to help you more easily manage your children and the role of parenting in a way you feel good about.

Knowledge is also powerful when it comes to dealing with developmental phases and challenges, from the early newborn days all the way through adolescence.  When a new mother becomes frustrated because her six-week-old is nursing every hour all day long, a part of her may begin to resent the infant because of this loss of freedom.  However, if she were to read a bit about newborns and their growth patterns, she’d discover that during a growth spurt, a baby will often “cluster feed” for a week or two.  An understanding of this important phase in her son’s life can help the mother be much more patient and understanding, even if she continues to feel a bit frustrated about the amount of time she’s spending nursing.

The same would apply to a toddler.  A father can address the tantrums of his two-year-old much more lovingly and effectively if he has an understanding of what this phase means for his daughter (that one of her most important jobs at this age is to discover and assert her own independent self).  Again, his frustration (and even anger) may still be there, but the father can handle those emotions much better if he can understand that his daughter is in the process of claiming her own personhood and testing to what extent she is actually separating from her parents.

The basic idea is that knowledge can help you view parenting struggles as opportunities to know your children better and to help them through difficult times.  It doesn’t mean that you won’t get frustrated; but good information can make all the difference in your perspective.  The more we can understand our children and learn about their process of development, the better prepared we’ll be to guide them along their journey toward healthy adulthood.

Instinct

Be wary of any parenting approaches that offer an “all or nothing” mentality or that seem extreme.  Certain “parenting gurus” will present THE ONE WAY to get babies to sleep through the night, or THE ONE WAY to get your teenager to make straight-A’s.  But most of the time, moderation and a combination of different approaches produce the best results.  Listen to lots of experts (and non-experts), and then pick and choose different aspects of different approaches that seem to apply best to your situation.

Again, knowledge is power.  But don’t give up your own power to make decisions that are best for your children, yourself, your marriage, and your family.  Gather all the information you can, and then use your common sense and your instincts to make a decision that feels right.  You know your child better than anyone.  Think about how your child might experience the situation and respond to your child’s needs.  Your instincts will usually tell you to respond to your child’s needs, and those instincts are there for a reason—that’s what your child requires most from you:  that you’ll trust that his needs will be recognized and responded to quickly and consistently.

Self-understanding

The science from a number of fields shows that parents’ own experiences in their lives strongly influence how they react and parent.  This is a double-edged sword.  Our positive and nurturing experiences influence our parenting, but our negative and painful experiences affect us as well.  The nurturing we’ve received in our lives will be passed on to our children in the way we interact with them.  But the pain we’ve experienced can cause us to react in ways that don’t really make sense, so that we end up parenting in ways that we aren’t really happy with.

For this reason, it’s important that parents do all they can to understand themselves as fully as possible.  Self-awareness can lead to emotional and mental health.  And the more emotionally and mentally healthy you are, the more present you’ll be able to be for your kids, and the more fully you’ll be able to love and nurture them in the everyday moments of life.  (Dan Siegel and I wrote an article about this idea for the PBS series “This Emotional Life.”  Click here to see it.)

Remember, also, to take care of yourself and your marriage and your other relationships.  Avoid focusing so much on parenting well that you neglect your own emotional and physical health.  For your children to fully flourish, they need parents who are flourishing too, nurturing themselves and their relationships.

I find the whole study – which analyzes the patterns of sound and action that usually accompany a tantrum – absolutely fascinating.  And I’m grateful to any scientists (in this case Michael Potegal and James A. Green) who offer us new information that can help us better understand our children so we can be more loving and nurturing as we interact with them.  I also want to mention Vendantam’s book The Hidden Brain.  I haven’t read it yet, but it’s on my “get to” list, since I understand that it raises some really interesting questions regarding how much our brain drives who we are, even without our awareness.

Having said all that, a couple of objections kept nagging at me when I read Vendantam’s blog post about Green and Potegal’s science explaining “what’s behind a temper tantrum.”  Specifically, I kept wanting to hear less about how parents can “get a tantrum to end as soon as possible” (though I totally understand this desire and have felt this way during many of my own children’s tantrums), and more about how parents can be emotionally responsive and present when their kids are upset.

In other words, I wanted a tantrum to be presented not only as an unpleasant experience that parents can learn to manage for their own benefit, but instead as another opportunity to make a child feel safe and loved, which would offer the added benefit that she’ll learn to better express her feelings, and reign those emotions in more quickly and appropriately in the future.

So much of the way I look at tantrums begins with parental empathy.  For example, it’s really important to understand WHY children have tantrums:  Their young, undeveloped brains are subject to becoming disintegrated as their big emotions take over.  As Dan Siegel and I explain in our book The Whole-Brain Child, when the different parts of a child’s brain work together in a coordinated way, it creates a state of integration and the child is able to deal with things not going his way.  But when the more primitive parts of his brain (what we call the “downstairs brain”) take over, and the more flexible, thoughtful parts of his brain (the “upstairs brain”) stop working well, the child dis-integrates, and that’s when we see the screaming, yelling, kicking, etc.  It really helps to understand that during this “downstairs tantrum,” the reactive part of a child’s brain is in charge.

For this reason, I don’t like the strategy that Vendantam advocates, to do nothing.  Green and Potegal are right that asking questions can further upset a child; parents tend to over-talk in general when their kids are upset.  But that fact doesn’t at all logically lead to the conclusion that we should ignore our children when they’re distraught.

In fact, here are two main reasons NOT to ignore a child in the midst of a tantrum:

Reason #1:  A child in a tantrum-state is suffering.

Just like our kids need us to be with them and provide reassurance and comfort when they’re physically hurting, they need the same thing when they’re suffering emotionally.  Of course, this is not to say that we should allow a child to harm himself, put others at risk, or destroy things.  We may have to help him control his body during a downstairs tantrum, and we can lovingly set boundaries with lots of comfort and empathy.  That’s what a child needs when he’s upset.

If we view tantrums as our child being difficult or manipulative or naughty, it’s not too easy to respond with calm empathy. However, we can more easily rise to this challenge when we see that our child needs us to be calm and loving because he is suffering.

Reason #2:  A quick end to the tantrum isn’t the goal.

I’m actually skeptical about the researchers’ claim that doing nothing is the fastest ways to address a child’s anger and put an end to a tantrum.  But even if Green and Potegal are right on this point, is that really the ultimate goal?  I know how unpleasant a tantrum can be – believe me, I know.  But ask yourself a question.  Out of two possible messages, which would you prefer to send to your child?

Message 1:  You’re on your own if you get angry and upset.  I love you, and I’ll be here for you once you’re done throwing your fit; but as long as you keep acting this way, I’m going to ignore you.  So hurry up and finish being upset.

Message 2:  I’m here for you even when you’re falling apart and at your absolute worst.  I can take it.  I’ve got your back.

When you send this second message, you’re not giving in.  You’re not being permissive.  Again, you can (and should) still set boundaries.  But you do so while communicating your love and walking through the difficult moment with your child.

Plus, a huge benefit is that you’re actually making things easier for both your child and yourself in the future.  By providing your empathy and calm presence during a tantrum, you’re actually building your child’s capacity to behave better in the future, because emotional responsiveness strengthens the integrative connections in her brain that allow her to make better choices, control her body and emotions, and think about others.

So the next time your little one throws herself on the floor and completely falls apart, don’t walk away.  Send her the message that you’re there with her in her suffering, even if it takes a minute longer for calm to return.  And like I said, I think this approach might actually help you both get through the whole ordeal much more quickly, and ultimately let her know you are there for her even when she is at her worst and the world is completely chaotic.

[Update:  A reader asked, “So if I shouldn’t ignore a tantrum, what SHOULD I do?”  I’ve responded to that question here, here, here, and here.]

Since one-fourth of girls and one-sixth of boys are victims of sexual abuse, this isn’t something we should think we’re immune to.  Now is the time to educate yourself and empower your kids so they know how to respond if they’re in an inappropriate situation.  Talking to them won’t spoil the holiday spirit, and it will make you feel better knowing that you’ve begun these important conversations.

Don’t know what to say?  Don’t want to scare them?  I’ve got help for you.  In the video below, Greg and I visit with Pattie Fitzgerald, founder of Safely Ever After, Inc., about how to not only keep our kids safe, but empower them against sexual abuse.  Also, here’s an article I wrote about the subject in the past.

WHAT IS SPOILING?  DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH MONEY SPENT?  TIME? NEVER SAYING NO? ALL OF THE ABOVE?

Let’s start with what spoiling is not:  Spoiling is NOT about how much love and time and attention you give your kids.  You can’t spoil your children by giving them too much of yourself.  In the same way, you can’t spoil a baby by holding her too much or responding to her needs each time she expresses them.

SO HOW DO WE SPOIL OUR KIDS?

The dictionary definition is “to ruin or do harm to the character or attitude by overindulgence or excessive praise.”  Spoiling can of course happen when we give our kids too much stuff or spend too much money or say yes all the time.   But it’s more than that.  It’s also about giving them the sense that the world and people around them will serve their whims.

Again, it’s impossible to spoil children with too much nurturing or love or attention or time.  Nurturing your relationship with your child or giving them a sense that they are entitled to your love and affection (or holding them when they’re little) is exactly what we should be doing.  In other words, we let them know that they can count on getting their NEEDS met.

Spoiling, on the other hand, occurs when parents (or other caregivers) create their child’s world in such a way that the child feels a sense of entitlement to getting their way, to getting what they WANT when they want it, and that everything should come easy to them.

We want our kids to expect that their NEEDS will always be met by us and by others.  We don’t want our kids to expect that their DESIRES AND WHIMS will always be met.

DO YOU BELIEVE MANY PARENTS TODAY “SPOIL” THEIR CHILDREN?  IS THIS DIFFERENT FROM PRIOR GENERATIONS?

I think this generation of parents is more likely to spoil their kids than previous generations.  One of the ways I see this most commonly is that parents shelter their children from having to struggle at all.  They overprotect them from disappointments or difficulties.   Parents often confuse indulgence and love.  If parents themselves had parents who weren’t emotionally responsive and affectionate, they may feel the need to do things differently.  That’s great.  But then, they give their children stuff and wait on them and shelter them from sadness, instead of indulging them with what really matters, and what kids really NEED:  love and connection and time.

WHAT DOES SPOILING TEACH A CHILD ABOUT THE WORLD AND ABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP TO HIS MOTHER AND FATHER?  WHAT IS THE TAKEAWAY ABOUT KEEPING THEM FROM BEING “SPOILED?”

There’s a reason we worry about spoiling our kids by giving them too much stuff.  When kids are given whatever they want all the time, they lose opportunities to build resilience and learn important life lessons:  about delaying gratification, about having to work for something, about dealing with disappointment.  Having a sense of entitlement, as opposed to an attitude of gratitude, can affect relationships in the future when the entitled mindset comes across to others.  So instead, we want to give our kids practice at having to delay gratification and even do without, so they can build resilience and learn to handle disappointment.

We also want them to have to deal emotionally with difficult experiences.  Some parents find their child’s unfinished homework on the kitchen table and complete it themselves before running it up to school in order to protect their child from having to face the consequences of a late assignment.  Or they call another parent to ask for an invitation to a birthday party that their child caught wind of, but was not invited to.  These responses create an expectation in the child that they will experience a utopia-like existence, and as a result, they may be unable to handle it when life doesn’t turn out so perfect.

CAN A CHILD BE SPOILED AT HOME AND HAVE IT NOT IMPACT HIS WORLD OUTSIDE OF THE HOME, WITH FRIENDS, TEACHERS, COACHES, AND DOWN THE ROAD, FUTURE ROMANTIC PARTNERS OR EMPLOYERS? OR WILL BEING SPOILED BLEED INTO OTHER AREAS OF A KID’S LIFE? (I THINK ABOUT THOSE CHILDREN WHO KEEP IT TOGETHER AT SCHOOL BUT ACT OUT AT HOME.)

See answer above regarding how it affects future relationships.  I think it usually bleeds into other areas because the repeated experiences that parents give their children wire their brains for what to expect in relationships, with authority figures, etc.  Now, if a coach or a teacher requires something different from the child and the child learns that with this one adult, they will have to work harder, they often will rise to the challenge.

AS PARENTS, I THINK MANY OF US INADVERTENTLY SPOIL OUR CHILDREN BECAUSE, OF COURSE, WE LOVE THEM AND WANT TO SHOWER THEM WITH LOVE, PRESENTS, AND ATTENTION, THEN SUDDENLY WE FIND OURSELVES IN AN UNPLEASANT SITUATION. WHAT DOES SPOILING DO TO US AS PARENTS? HOW DOES IT IMPACT OUR LIVES?

For parents, sometimes we rely on overindulgence or not saying no because it’s easier in the moment.  Other times we shower our kids with stuff (remember that showering with love and attention isn’t going to spoil, as long as we’re also willing to set limits or boundaries) because we enjoy it so much.  We just have to remember what is best for our kids in the long-run.

Saying yes to that second or third treat of the day may be easier in the short term because it avoids a meltdown or helps us survive the moment.  But then what about tomorrow?  Will treats be expected tomorrow as well?  The brain makes associations from all of our experiences.   Spoiling makes things harder on us as parents because we’re constantly having to deal with the demands or the meltdowns that result from times things don’t go our kids’ way.

Parents can start a new path by telling their child what’s going to change.  For example:  ”We’ve been watching a lot of TV each day, and it’s not really working for our family anymore.  We’re going to start a new plan on Monday.”  Then, follow through.

WHY DOESN’T SPOILING WORK? AS AN ADULT, IF SOMEONE GRANTED MY EVERY WISH, BOUGHT ME WHATEVER I WANTED, AND NEVER SAID NO TO ME, I THINK I’D BE PRETTY HAPPY. WHY ISN’T A 6 OR 10 OR 15 YEAR OLD HAPPY WHEN THEY ARE SPOILED?

They’re unhappy because people and their world turn out not to be so much at their disposal.  They have a harder time enjoying the smaller joys and the triumph of creating their own world if others have always done it for them.  True confidence and competence come not from succeeding at getting what we want, but from our own accomplishments and achieving mastery of something on our own.

Further, if a child hasn’t had practice dealing with the emotions that come with not getting what they want and then adapting their attitude and comforting themselves, then it’s going to be quite difficult to do so later when disappointments get bigger.

Depending on the age, I think it’s possible that kids might have a sense that their parents don’t care enough to set a boundary or that the parent thinks the child is a bit fragile and can’t handle a “no.”  In the book Nurture Shock, Bronson and Merryman cite research that states that for adolescents, when their teachers don’t criticize them, they assume it means the teacher doesn’t have much faith in their ability and doesn’t feel like it’s worth it to push them a bit, whereas the kids whose teachers were bugging them to do better, felt that the teachers believed in them.

Happiness  and confidence come from connection in relationship, being part of something meaningful, and from our own accomplishments.

HOW DO WE KNOW IF WE’RE SPOILING OUR OWN CHILDREN? HOW CAN WE SPOT IT? AND IF WE ARE ON THAT PATH, HOW DO WE GET OFF IT? CAN YOU GIVE US SOME GENERAL GUIDELINES HERE?

Listen, it’s normal for kids to be upset when they don’t get what they want.  Just like we’re disappointed when we can’t buy something we’d like.  Young children often have meltdowns when things don’t go their way, and they often are demanding of their parents:  ”Bring me some juice!”  If we allow this without addressing it or asking our children to do things differently when they’re able to, or if our children as they get older don’t seem to be able to bounce back quickly from not getting what they want, then we ought to evaluate if they’re expecting the world to be at their disposal and what we can do to give them new experiences to shape their brain to handle things in better ways.

I think as a general rule, when it comes to what we’re giving our kids, I’d recommend focusing not so much on what we need to give less of – presents and more stuff – and more about what we need to give more of:  our time and attention.  Watch for ways,  throughout the year, to set up family rituals that create memories; to teach about giving to others, to allow kids to participate in generosity, whether that means making gifts or actually doing the shopping with you when you give to others.  Sometimes parents simply need to replace indulging materially with indulging affectionately.

The conversation itself is even more cliché:

–How was your day?

–Fine.

–Anything interesting happen?

–Not really.

A few years ago I found myself almost literally wincing as I heard myself ask my six-year-old the “How was your day?” question as he got into the car at the pick-up circle.  It’s not that it’s a bad question, it’s just that I knew it wouldn’t encourage him to talk to me.

So why was I even asking the question?  Wasn’t there something else I could do or say or ask that might get him to offer some of the mundane morsels I hungered for when I’d been away from him for six hours while he was at school?

I realized I needed to be more creative when it came to drawing out meaty details about my kids’ school lives.  What I eventually came up with was a guessing game.

When I picked up my young son from school, I started asking him, “Tell me two things that really happened today, and one thing that didn’t.  Then I’ll guess which two are true.”

The game may lack a certain amount of challenge for you—especially when your choices include “Ms. Derrick read us a story,” “Me and Ryan spied on the girls,” and “Captain Hook captured me and fed me to the alligator”—but it can quickly become a fun game that kids look forward to.  It will not only open up their lives to you, since you get to hear about what they remember from school each day, but it can also help them get used to thinking back and reflecting on the events of their days.

Sometimes, with younger kids, you may have to adjust the game a bit.  My husband tried the guessing game with my four-year-old after preschool one day, and the best my son could come up with was, “One boy pooped in his pants, and two boys didn’t poop in their pants.”  (The answer, in case you’re stumped, was that no one pooped in their pants that particular day.)

So Scott shifted the game a bit, and made it a true-false game.  Their conversation went something like this:

–True or false:  You played with someone today.

–True.

–True or false:  A new friend.

–True.

–True or false:  The new friend is a girl.

–False.

–True or false:  The boy’s name is Horatio.

–False.

And so on.  After my husband made some headway with this discussion, he started in on activities from the school day.  “True or false:  You played on the swings today.

My young son had a great time playing the game (not to mention learning the word “false,” which he didn’t previously know), and Scott got to hear much more about the school day than he otherwise would have.

For older kids, you can just ask more specific questions, like “who did you eat lunch with today?” or “What was the hardest subject today?” or “Quiz me on a fact you learned in school today that you think I won’t be able to get right.”  And sometimes you can get them warmed up to talk by starting the conversation by telling something about your day or something you’re thinking about.

You may have one of those kids who’s eager to talk when you pick them up, and they’ll just launch into a full-blown description of their day as soon as they see you.  If not, be creative.  For most of us, it’s not that our kids don’t want to talk to us.  Sometimes they are just in the moment and can’t really remember the details immediately without some prompting.  Other times, they’ve been talking or interacting all day and they’re just tired.   Don’t force it.

It’s OK that they have a little piece of life away from you that’s all their own.  And it’s good practice for you to start getting used to their independence and not sharing every detail of their life with you since later on, they probably won’t be calling you from work each day to tell you who they ate lunch with or what the boss thought of their big presentation.

Me?  Sometimes I respond extremely well, making myself proud of how loving and understanding and patient I remained.  At other times, I lower myself to my kids’ level and resort to the childishness that upset me in the first place.

My message to you today is that when you respond to your kids from a less-than-optimal place, take heart:  most likely, you’re still providing them with all kinds of valuable experiences.

For example, have you ever found yourself so frustrated with your kids that you call out, a good bit louder than you need to, “That’s it!  The next one who complains about where they’re sitting in the car, has to sit in that same seat for the rest of the year!”

Or maybe, when your eight-year-old pouts and complains all the way to school because you made her practice her piano, you say, with your parting words as she departs the mini-van, “I hope you have a great day, now that you’ve ruined the whole morning.”

Obviously, these aren’t examples of perfect parenting.  And if you’re like me, you beat yourself up for the times when you don’t handle things like you wish you had.

So here’s hope:  Those not-so-great parenting moments are not necessarily such bad things for our kids to have to go through.  In fact, they’re actually incredibly valuable.

Why?  Because these less-than-perfect parental responses give kids opportunities to deal with difficult situations and therefore develop new skills.  Here are some of the ways these moments, while not optimal, can still be valuable:

• The kids have to learn to control themselves even though their parent isn’t doing such a great job of controlling herself.
• They get to see you model how to apologize and make things right.
• They experience that when there is conflict and argument, there can be repair, and things become good again.  This helps them feel safe and not so afraid in relationships.  They learn to trust, and even expect, that calm and connection will follow conflict.
• They see that you’re not perfect, so they won’t expect themselves to be, either.
• They learn that their actions affect other people’s emotions and behavior.
• If we were perfect with them, the first time a friend or teacher was reactive to them, it could be shocking and terrifying to them.

Abuse, of course, is different.  Or if you’re significantly harming the relationship or scaring your child, then the experience is no longer valuable for either of you.  In fact, that’s going to damage you both, and you should seek the help of a professional in order to make whatever changes are necessary so that your children feel safe.

But as long as you maintain the relationship and repair with your child afterwards, then you can cut yourself some slack and know that even though you might wish you’d done things differently, that’s still a valuable experience for your child, even if it means he has to control himself simply because Mom is mad at the moment.

I hope it’s obvious that I’m not saying that we shouldn’t aim for the extreme good when we respond to our kids in a high-stress situation (or any other time).  The more loving and nurturing we can be, the better.  I’m just saying that we can give ourselves a break when we’re not perfect, because even those situations provide moments of value as well.  They give our kids opportunities to learn important lessons that will prepare them for future conflict and relationships, and even teach them how to love.

You hit your sister? That’s a time out. 

You broke the book shelf while climbing to reach the matches?  You just lost your playdate this afternoon.

 Your kids act, and you react.

If you’ve heard me speak, or if you’ve read other pieces I’ve written about discipline, you know I’m a big believer in setting and enforcing boundaries.  At times, giving consequences may be the best response in order to teach lessons about appropriate behavior and observing boundaries.

But here I want to make the case for stepping in before things escalate, before you have to start thinking about consequences.  I’m talking about proactive parenting, as opposed to reactive parenting.

When we parent proactively, we watch for times when we can tell that misbehavior and/or a meltdown are in our kid’s near future, and we step in and try to guide them around that potential landmine.  Sometimes you can even catch the misbehavior as it begins to surface, and redirect your child in a better direction.

Yesterday, for example, my sweet and usually compliant eight-year-old was getting ready to go to his swim lesson.  I noticed that he overreacted a bit when I asked him to apply sunscreen – Why do I have to use sunscreen every day?! – but I didn’t think much about it.  Then while I was getting his little brother ready, he sat down at the piano for a minute.  He started playing one of the songs he’s learned, then when he missed a couple of notes, he slammed his fist down on the keyboard in frustration.  I stopped what I was doing and walked over and set an apple in front of him.  He looked up at me, and I simply offered him a knowing smile.  He and I have been talking lately about his tendency to lose control of his emotions when he gets hungry.  He nodded, ate the apple, and moved back into a place where he felt in control of himself.

I’m not always this quick at reading cues, and of course, sometimes no obvious signs present themselves before our kids make bad decisions.  But this particular morning, I saw the signs and, out of justifiable fear at what was coming, took one simple, proactive step to address the situation.

Sometimes all we can do is react.  But other times, we can take proactive steps to stay ahead of the discipline curve.  That might mean enforcing a consistent bedtime so your kids don’t get too tired and grumpy.  It might mean stepping in to begin a new game when you hear that your children are moving towards significant conflict with each other.  It might mean telling a toddler, with a voice full of intriguing energy, “Hey, before you throw that french fry across the restaurant, I want to show you what I have in my purse.”

Parenting proactively isn’t easy, and it takes a fair amount of awareness on your part.  But the more you can watch for the beginnings of negative behaviors and head them off at the pass, the less you’ll end up having to lay down the law and give consequences, meaning you and your children will have more time to simply enjoy each other.

——————

You’ve had those days, right?  When the sleep deprivation, the muddy cleats, the peanut butter on the new jacket, the homework battles, the play-dough in your computer keyboard, and the refrains of “She started it!” leave you counting the minutes until bedtime.  On these days, when you (again?!!) have to pry a raisin from a nostril, it seems like the most you can hope for is to survive.

However, when it comes to your children, you’re aiming a lot higher than mere survival.  Of course you want to get through those difficult tantrum-in-the-restaurant moments.  But whether you’re a parent, grandparent, or other committed caregiver in a child’s life, your ultimate goal is to raise kids in such a way that lets them thrive.  You want them to enjoy meaningful relationships, be caring and compassionate, do well in school, work hard and be responsible, and feel good about who they are.

Survive.  Thrive.

We’ve met with thousands of parents over the years.  When we ask them what matters most to them, versions of these two goals almost always top the list.  They want to survive difficult parenting moments, and they want their kids and their family to thrive.  As parents ourselves, we share these same goals for our own families.  In our nobler, calmer, saner moments, we care about nurturing our kids’ minds, increasing their sense of wonder, and helping them reach their potential in all aspects of life.  But in the more frantic, stressful, bribe-the-toddler-into-the-carseat-so-we-can-rush-to-the-soccer-game moments, sometimes all we can hope for is to avoid yelling or hearing someone say, “You’re so mean!”

Take a moment and ask yourself:  What do you really want for your children?  What qualities do you hope they develop and take into their adult lives?  Most likely, you want them to be happy, independent, and successful.   You want them to enjoy fulfilling relationships and live a life full of meaning and purpose.  Now think about what percentage of your time you spend intentionally developing these qualities in your children.  If you’re like most parents, you worry that you spend too much time just trying to get through the day (and sometimes the next five minutes!), and not enough time creating experiences that help your children thrive, both today and in the future.

You might even measure yourself against some sort of perfect parent who never struggles to survive, who seemingly spends every waking second helping her children thrive.  You know, the PTA president who cooks organic, fully balanced meals while reading to her kids in Latin about the importance of helping others, then escorts them to the art museum in the hybrid that plays classical music and mists lavender aromatherapy through the air-conditioning vents.  None of us can match up to this imaginary super-parent.  Especially when we feel like a large percentage of our days are spent in full-blown survival mode, where we find ourselves wild-eyed and red-faced at the end of a birthday party, shouting, “If there’s one more argument over that bow and arrow, nobody’s getting any presents!”

If any of this sounds familiar, we’ve got great news for you:  The moments you are just trying to survive are actually opportunities to help your child thrive.  At times you may feel that the loving, important moments (like having a meaningful conversation about compassion or character) are separate from the parenting challenges (like fighting another homework battle or dealing with another melt-down.)  But they are not separate at all.  When your child is disrespectful and talks back to you; when you are asked to come in for a meeting with the principal; when you find crayon scribbles all over your wall:  these are survival moments, no question about it.  But at the same time, they are opportunities—even gifts—because a “Survive Moment” is also a “Thrive Moment,” where the important, meaningful work of parenting takes place.

For example, think about a situation you often just try to get through.  Maybe when your kids are fighting with each other for the third time within three minutes.  (Not too hard to imagine, is it?)  Instead of just breaking up the fight and sending the sparring siblings to different rooms, you can use the argument as an opportunity for teaching: about reflective listening and hearing another person’s point of view; about clearly and respectfully communicating your own desires; about compromise, sacrifice, negotiation, and forgiveness.  We know:  It sounds hard to imagine in the heat of the moment.  But when you understand a little bit about your children’s emotional needs and mental states, you can create this kind of positive outcome—even without the United Nations Peacekeeping forces.

There’s nothing wrong with separating your kids when they’re fighting.  It’s a good survival technique, and in certain situations, it may be the best solution.  But often, we can do better than just ending the conflict and noise.  We can transform the experience into one that develops not only each child’s brain but also their relationship skills and their character.   Over time, the siblings will each continue to grow and become more proficient at handling conflict without parental guidance.  This will be just one of the many ways you can help them thrive.

What’s great about this “survive and thrive” approach is that you don’t have to try to carve out special time to help your children thrive.  You can use all of the interactions you share—the stressful, angry ones as well as the miraculous, adorable ones—as opportunities to help them become the responsible, caring, capable people you want them to be.  That’s what this book is about: using your everyday moments with your kids to help them reach their true potential.  The following pages offer an antidote to parenting and academic approaches that overemphasize achievement and perfection at any cost.  We’ll focus instead on ways you can help your kids be more themselves, more at ease in the world, filled with more resilience and strength.  How do you do that?  Our answer is simple:  You need to understand some basics about the young brain that you are helping to grow and develop. That’s what The Whole-Brain Child is all about.